The Clichés of March Madness

The diagnostic department of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital was pleased with their day's work. Their most recent patient, a wealthy businessman who they thought this time would be their elusive case of lupus, (although, as House pointed out, it was never lupus and they needed to stop considering that diagnosis, which Cameron took rather personally) had been discharged in time for them to catch a late lunch, and the wealthy former patient, now fully recovered, was kindly disposed towards the hospital, freeing them from clinic duty for the next week, or at least until the next PR gaffe from the department.

A phone rang. All eyes turned to Cameron's purse. "You're going to be in serious trouble if anyone ever hears about you bringing that around the hospital. House will finally have someone to blame the MRI's malfunctions on," Foreman informed her.

"I don't usually! I must have forgotten to take it out of my bag yesterday. It won't do any harm here, though." She reached into her bag and answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Elle-Elle! I wasn't expecting to actually get you- aren't you on shift?"

Cameron smiled- only her younger half-sister Alison used that nickname, a reference to the difference between their shared first name. "Hi, Elle! I'm on break, lucky me. How are you?"

"Psyched, worried, and trying to fit a term paper into my schedule. I'm sure my professor would understand if it was a little late, but I don't want to take advantage of that leeway. I'm bringing books to practice. Lindsey won't stop laughing."

"That's great. You're doing the family proud down there. We need to start planning your New York visit."

Alison laughed. "I don't even know when I'm coming, or how long I'm going to be here. I won't know that until April, you know that. There are four of us vying for that top spot. You understand how that is."

"They'll take you first, Elle, how can they not?"

"You don't have to be supportive just because you're family. Your dad already told me he has Ohio State to win it all and that I should be packing my bags for Minnesota or New York."

"Not me!" Cameron replied immediately. "I took Duke in the office pool."

"Okay, kids, recess is over!" House proclaimed, stalking into the room with his cane in one hand and a file folder in the other. Foreman exchanged a look with Chase, since Cameron was caught rather red-handed with her phone.

Cameron winced. "I have to go, Elle, it looks like we have a case."

"Is that your sister? The case can wait a couple of minutes." House reached over and plucked the phone out of Cameron's hand. "You know she'd tell you she took your team even if she had you out in the first round." Cameron's jaw dropped, and she mouthed wordlessly, trying to find something to say in response. "I need your best guess on the spread if it's Rutgers in the Sweet Sixteen. I'm being a good sport and giving Foreman a second chance to win his way out of indenture to the clinic- but if he loses, I'm selling him down the river and ol' massa will never have to do clinic hours again."

"Dr. House! I'm a collegiate athlete! I'm not supposed to know about these things! And the third-round matchups won't be decided for more than a week! I'm certainly not supposed to know that in a Sweet Sixteen game, with Rutgers coming off a road game against Michigan State and the confidence that comes with playing a close game at a hostile site, and the marked improvement in Rutgers since we played them at the start of the year, and our loss to NC State, the spread won't be more than ten, probably closer to five, even if we're playing in Greensboro."

"Spectacular! Be a good girl and cover that, and there'll be a special treat for you the next time you come to visit."

"Do I get to pick the flavor of lollipop?"

"Actually, I was thinking urine sample. Might be useful if you ever need to beat a drug test. Better make sure the sample doesn't have any drugs in it, though. Really defeats the purpose otherwise." House paused for a moment, then went on as if confiding a secret. "Someone in this office has OSU to win it all. It'd be mean to tell you who, but it's the prettiest person in the department. Have fun with that."

"Nice try, Dr. House, but I don't need any further motivation. I'll see you in the summer."

"You better get drafted by Phoenix. The minions and I already arranged for a day pass for that game. Cuddy won't let us out twice for a mere basketball game, not to mention that the experience should be categorized as self-inflicted harm. Now go work on your rebounding." House allowed himself a miniature smirk, knowing that Alison was looking as affronted as Cameron was, and ended the call, tossing Cameron back her phone.

"You lied to my sister!" Cameron protested, her voice rising in pitch until it was near a breathy squeak.

"Everybody lies. Except that I didn't."

"You told her I took Ohio State! After I told her I took her team!"

"No, I said the prettiest person in the office-" House pointed at Chase- "took OSU. I did not say Ohio State, and he didn't. I can't be held responsible for someone drawing the wrong conclusion because no one with half a functioning brain would pick Oklahoma State. It's a move I would have expected out of Foreman last year."

"I told you my reasoning," Chase said, sulking. Even with that unattractive expression, he still managed to be the prettiest person in the room.

"'Oh, look, she went to my comprehensive!' is not a reason. Enough of this." House slammed the file on the table. "Gather around. 22-year-old male, perfectly normal one night, a differential diagnosis the next. Symptoms include redness of the face and upper body coupled with skin irritation, limited awareness of his surroundings, delusional behavior, a bizarre fixation on Cleveland, and offensive body odor. Go."

"Drugs would explain the delusional behavior and distorted perception," Chase suggested. "A tox screen could help us narrow it down."

"But that wouldn't explain the inflammation and irritation," House countered.

"Might be an allergic reaction. People can be allergic to narcotics, and street drugs are cut with any number of foreign substances. That would show up in further testing," Foreman said.

"I defer to your expertise."

"I still can't believe you lied to my sister!" Cameron exclaimed.

"Old news, Cameron, we're over that now. Patient. Anything constructive to add?"

She rolled her eyes at House, something that might be unusual in a less personal situation. "When did the symptoms present?"

"Tuesday morning, according to the friend who escorted him in."

Cameron frowned, her brows drawing together. "Why did they wait three days to bring him in?" A metaphorical light bulb went off. "Piscataway?"

"New Brunswick."

"This is going to sound really clichéd, but…"

"It's not lupus," Chase interrupted. "None of the symptoms match, and-"

"No! I mean… I think we might have a case of March madness." Foreman smothered a laugh, but Cameron continued steadily on. "A college kid from the Rutgers area… the discoloration could be from body paint, and if he's talking Final Four, that's the delusional behavior you brought in. The confusion about his surroundings probably means he hasn't slept since the selection show. Tell him to take a shower and get some sleep."

"Well, what do you know?" House almost smiled, if for no other reason than to freak out his underlings. "Looks like Dr. Cameron's ready to play with the big boys. Think you're tough enough for it?"

Cameron smiled. "Did you already forget? Interior toughness runs in my family."