Chapter XV: 'He needs me!'

Autumn
Copyright © Brian McGovern.

"Beauty!"
"Yes, little one?"
It was the boy's voice.
"Fra Vestris wants to see you. Can you come to the temple?"
"I follow you, little one."
My Beauty was quite a popular person now that she was back in her town.
"Ah, child, he found thee!"
"Yes, he did. What is the reason for my call?"
I supposed the young priest dismissed the boy, for I heard a soft pace going away.
"It's about your presence here, Beauty," said Fra Vestris, giving up his usual way of speaking.
"Can you explain what you mean by this?"
"You don't have to stay here anymore if you don't want to. I mean... if you want to go back to the castle, you're free to do it."
"No, Father, I'm afraid I'm not free anymore. You know, for a long time, when I was in the castle, I only thought I wanted to go out, to be free again, but in fact, I have more chains here than I had in our lord's castle. I don't know if I had ever been free."
"You are just now, Beauty, trust me. You are at the decisive point. Either you'll be free or you'll remain in your chains."
"I think I understand what you're saying, Fra Vestris, but I'm afraid you didn't clearly understand the situation. I can't go back. People here now think I'm our lord's messenger. I can't live in his castle for the rest of my life or I won't be a very good messenger, will I? Then, what will he think of me? Will he think like half of the townsmen think, that is to say I want to trap him in my nets, to force him to marry me, so I would be like the shepherdess of the fairy tales? I couldn't bear it if he thought that of me. And finally, I'm here for two weeks now and I'm still not working, for I had to overcome all the hostilities before. If I go back to the castle now, won't he think that I don't want to work anymore, that I came back only because the life in his castle was so easy?"
"But, Beauty, you can explain to him why you came back. I'm sure he would understand."
"But the problem is that I don't know, Fra Vestris! I don't know why I want to be back where I was. He's my friend - that is, I consider him as my friend, I don't know if he does the same toward me - but I have friends here too. It's just... it's like there's something drawing me to him and I can't fight it. I'm not even sure I want to fight it."
"Beauty, if you care so much about his opinions, perhaps it's because you consider him more than a friend," said cautiously Fra Vestris.
"It can't be," she whispered. "I don't have the right. I'm not worthy of him, so I only can see him as a friend and even like that, I'm breaking the established rules."
"Child, it seems to me you have a lot to learn about love," said gently Fra Vestris.
"Love?" repeated Beauty, quite surprised.
"What did you think we were talking about?"
"I... I don't know," she admitted. "Oh God," she sighed, "I know no more... I wonder if I still know who I am..."
"I'm afraid not, child. For if you knew, you would go back to the castle, straight to our lord and say 'I do' with a clear voice filled with pride and joy."
"And what good would it do to him?"
"It would fill him with happiness and gratitude. Isn't that enough?"
"Yes," said Beauty with a gloomy voice. "But I'm not bold enough to do that and, what's more, I couldn't bear to meet with a refusal."
She probably left the temple, for I heard the priest say softly in her back:
"I don't think he would refuse you..."
But she didn't answer.

Suddenly, I couldn't stand anymore the idea of dying in those cold vaults: it simply made me nauseous. I wanted to die where I had lived, in my castle, in the open, where the sunlight could reach me. I rolled on my side and, painfully, I dragged myself along the path to the surface. The stairs were the most difficult to get over, but I managed it somehow. I was panting when I reached the living room. I curled my lips in disgust for this powerful Beast grovelling pitifully on the ground. Where was my infinite strength, where was my pride? Alas, all of them had gone with Beauty, as she had taken my life and my love along with her, taking too my desire to feel alive.
I rolled then on my back with a great sigh of relief. A tiny light beam came through the heavy velvet curtains, closed again to keep inside the blessed darkness that had protected me for so long. But now that I was going to die, I wanted to die in the sun. So, with a roar of pain, I use my magic to tear apart the curtains. Nobody would use them anymore, so I hadn't any remorse. I started slightly when the first sunbeams stroke my fur. Of course, I knew the sun when I was in my gardens, but the feeling was not the same at all. It was somehow much more powerful.
I had succeeded in forgetting Beauty for some moments, the time to come here, but now, her memory was coming back, and in a quick way. I couldn't bear anymore this uncertainty. I had to know exactly what she was doing. I was sure she would forgive the curiosity of a dying man - Beast. I gathered all my will left and created a new mirror on the ceiling. Beauty was walking in the town, alone, with a defeated look on her face. I felt sad and sorry for her and I cursed myself for bringing sorrow to her.
I had a good look at her and I noticed how much she had lost weight since she had left the castle. Her little face looked drawn, more it ever looked in the castle. Something was torturing her and preventing her to rest correctly. I just hoped for the fairy she wasn't guilty of that because, in spite of my weariness, I would make her pay dearly for this! I thought I had already made her pay, since I had hurt her, probably quite seriously, during the magic fight.
"I've not said my last word!" hissed a voice filled with pain in my ear. "I have more than one trick up in my sleeve and I think you won't like the one left!"
"If your last trick is called 'death', I think I already know I won't like it, but on this other hand, death is now synonymous for me of relief and rest. At least, I won't have you anymore around me all the time.
"Nor will you have Beauty," she hissed again.
"True enough," I agreed sadly. "But I'll be dead, so I won't know it."
"You can count on me for the contrary," said the fairy before leaving me alone again.
Beauty was walking in the streets, in the direction of the forest. I heard the noise of the forestry workers. She stroke the bark of a huge tree.
"O tree," she sighed, "you're firmly dug in reality, but your head is in the clouds. Perhaps can you help me nonetheless... What must I do?"
She leaned against it and raised the head.
"When I heard the wind in the leaves, I always thought you were trying to tell me something, but I never understood it. I don't know your language, so it's my fault, since you seem to understand me quite clearly: the dance of your leaves is never the same, it changes with what I say. Can't you teach me your language? I think I need to be like you, firmly dug in reality, but a bit more with the head in the clouds. I have sometimes the impression I do exactly the contrary: my head thinks 'reality', but my feet walk on the moon. In fact, I'm always on a journey to the moon."
She laughed a bit. She sat on the ground, the head against the tree and, probably tired by all the events of the day, she fell asleep.
Half an hour later, she cried in her sleep. A young man appeared between the trees, attracted by the cry. It was Jerry; he came to Beauty and squatted near her.
"Beauty?"
She had another cry of dismay and struggled when he put his hand on her shoulder.
"Beauty!" he said a little louder. "It's me, Jerry! Wake up!"
Her eyes jerked open and relief appeared instantly on her face.
"Jerry! Oh God, I dreamt I was back with this man..."
"Again this nightmare? It still didn't leave thee?"
"No, I have it quite regularly. It will probably never leave me."
She snuggled up to Jerry who closed his arms around her, rocking her gently like a child.
"I'm here, little one," he said reassuringly. "I won't leave thee, promised!"
"I know, Jerry. Thou art my support, my rock, always here, always firm and helpful! That's because thou art still here that I can be strong."
I wondered about the relationship between Jerry and Beauty. He never said he considered Beauty like his sister and she never said she saw him like his brother. Their relationship was somehow much more complex, but I thought - I was almost sure - that Jerry wasn't in love with Beauty - and, more important, she wasn't in love with him. But what really showed the complexity of their relationship was that she trusted him completely.
"Jerry, I think I have to speak with Jod," said Beauty quite suddenly.
"Yes, it's time for thee to do it," he agreed. "No matter what thou wantst to tell him, thou hast to be honest with him."
"Yes," she sighed. "It will be hard. During all those years, he thought I was meant for him."
Jerry held her more closely.
"I knew thou wouldst give him this answer. I'll regret it, but I think I understand."
"I never loved Jod, Jerry, that is, not like he wanted me to love him. I'll always see him as my brother, but I can't imagine him as my husband."
"I know. Go to him, Beauty, and explain it to him. But, please, be nice to him."
He freed Beauty and she left him without a word, a determined look on her face.

I was lying on my back, looking to the ceiling where I had expended my last forces to create a mirror, and, while I was watching Beauty walking next to Jod, I felt that my servants were dying too or, at least, weakening; probably, the powers I had given them back for those they had offered me weren't enough to sustain them correctly. Suddenly, I knew I was no more alone.
"Raynal, what the hell are you doing here?" I asked without bothering to try to straighten up on the elbows.
"Wake up, old pal! You're not going to die!"
"Oh no? So just explain me what I'm doing," I answered with a deadpan face.
"You're fooling yourself. Since when the absence of a girl can lead you to death?"
"Raynal," I sighed. "You're far too much rational for your own sake. I thought I was the less romantic, but you beat me by more than one head!"
"I was able to love!" protested Raynal.
"So do I, old pal, so do I... By the way, how's Iris?"
"She thanks you for letting her love me and for letting me love her. As would Geolf and Beauty thank you if you let them have their way."
"You're trying to hurt me, aren't you?"
"I'm trying to keep you alive, you bloody fool!" yelled Raynal. "Geolf should be the one lying there, on the ground, not you!"
"It's not only because of Beauty's absence, Raynal," I tried to explain. "I think the clock's hands are almost on the twelve. My time is over."
"How can you bear to die this way? Why don't you fight? Why don't you try to make this curse lie?"
"I'm too old, Raynal. I am something like two hundred years old and I don't want to live anymore if I'm doomed to be alone during this life. This past year with Beauty was worth all the pain it brought me. Despite all the sorrow, I've never been so happy."
"You're crazy," said Raynal, disgusted. "When will you behave the way you should?"
"Perhaps the day you won't be anymore the fairy's puppet. Now, leave me. I want to die in peace, filling my last instants with Beauty's sight."
Raynal sighed and left me alone again. As I already did, one of the last times he came to see me, I whispered:
"I miss you, Raynal."
Beauty and Jod were speaking but I didn't hear the words. It seemed to me that I was becoming deaf; I just hoped I wouldn't be blind, so that I could see Beauty until it was too late. I had to trust the fairy for this last torture. I saw Jod take the hand of Beauty who stiffened; she tried to control herself, to stay where she was and, with a tense smile, she let her hand in Jod's; seeing her quite nervous, I would have sworn she hadn't said to Jod what she wanted to tell him. Through a strange fog, I heard Jod's words:
"Beauty, thou knowest, I... we... we have been together now for a long time and I thought that perhaps... thou wouldst agree to... to marry me, so thou wouldst be sure that this nightmare is really over."
My sight became blurred and the words reached me only through a background noise I was unable to identify. My little Beauty was looking at Jod with a serious look, as if trying to decipher his thoughts.
"Thou doest not know what I have been through..." she finally said. "This endless nightmare, this eternal darkness... oh, God, I thought he would never let me go!"
I was not even able to gasp to these words. How could possibly my little Beauty say such things?
"Beauty," urged Jod, "now, it's over! Thou willst not to go back there! Thou canst stay here, with me..."
"Yes, I can stay here, with thee..." she repeated dreamily. "But how could I do that? Oh, I wish I knew!"
Jod reached tentatively for her cheek.
"Beauty," he said timidly, "thou didst not answer to my question. Wilt thou marry me?"
I saw my Beauty looking at Jod, smiling, with such a delighted smile, and answering:
"Yes! Of course, I will, Jod. Thou knowest I will."
And she reached for his shoulders, not fearing anymore to touch someone else.
Not even the fairy could have prevented me from howling like a dying beast. I closed my eyes, refusing to see this scene anymore, refusing to see my Beauty belonging to someone else.
When I opened my eyes, I saw the scene as it really was: Beauty almost struggling against Jod who tried to hold her in his arms and her voice denying all I just thought she had said:
"No, Jod, I can't possibly! I can't! I can't!"
Her voice was filled with despair and I howled again, unable to bear the pain in Beauty's eyes. She froze and glanced in the direction I knew the castle was.
"He needs me! Oh God, he needs me!"
Jod held her back.
"Thou wilt not go back to him, doest thou hear me? Thou wilt not!"
"I will!" she replied fiercely.
Jod's anger couldn't face Beauty's determination. She set herself free and ran toward the castle. I couldn't believe what my eyes saw. With a growl of frustration, Jod followed her and caught her again.
"Thou lovest him, doest thou not? Now thou needst a lord, for a plain villager is not enough for thee! Thou liedst to me thus! Thou liedst when thou saidst there was nothing between him and thee!"
Beauty's face became very pale.
"Believe what thou wantst," she answered with a choked voice. "But he never ever touched me! How darest thou criticise him? I would rather die than harm him!"
I was sure my ears were tricking me, the same way there had tricked me a few minutes ago. It wasn't possible: Beauty couldn't be saying things like that!
"Thou lovest him, doest thou not?" asked Jod with a softer tone. "I thought thou lovedst me!"
"Perhaps I loved thee," sighed Beauty. "I don't know anymore. I don't even know if I love him. The only thing I know is that he needs me and that I must go."
"I'll go with thee."
Beauty was ready to tell there was no point doing that, but she quickly understood he wouldn't listen. So she shrugged and ran to the castle.
The first person they met was Geolf, leaning against a wall near the gate of the castle. Beauty ran to him and Jod echoed her delighted cry with a scream of horror. My cook was in pitiful condition and he didn't even smile when seeing Beauty. His lips formed her name but no sound came.
"Stay away from this monster!" screamed Jod to Beauty.
She laughed nervously.
"He's not a monster! He's my friend!"
But Jod wasn't listening to her: he ran to Geolf with his hunting knife clenched in his fist and Beauty saw it too late.
"NO!!!"
Geolf raised his eyes to her, saw the tears in her eyes and whispered:
"Beauty..." before falling on the ground, lifeless.
Jod stood in front of him, his knife covered with blood. Beauty turned to him like a fury.
"How darest thou?" she snarled viciously. "He was my friend, so weak that he didn't even try to defend himself, and thou killedst him without thinking! Go away! Go away now and be happy that I don't punish thee for what thou just didst!"
"But, Beauty...," started Jod.
"Go away, I told thee!" she yelled, her fists tightly clenched. "Go away, I don't want to see thee again!"
She knelt next to Geolf and stroke gently the brown fur.
"Oh Geolf! I don't have any brother now... Why didst thou let him kill thee? Why?"
She buried her face in his fur, weeping like a child. I was still shocked by Geolf's death. He could have killed the boy with one blow of his powerful paw, but he didn't even tried! He let him kill him, just looking at Beauty with all the love he had for her. Why did he do that? Was he afraid she would hate him for protecting himself from Jod's knife?
Beauty raised her head and dried her tears with the back of her hand. She stood up and a sudden idea came to her mind. At a run, she went her way to the gardens where she picked a rose - I didn't see which one, my eyes were covered by a thick fog - and she came back to the castle. The path the mirror in the ceiling showed me was well-known of me: it was the one leading to the living room, where I was lying.

I saw her running to me, slim silhouette with long russet-red hair. She fell on her knees beside me and I could see there were tears running down her cheeks.
"Don't die," she whispered. "Please don't die..."
She held out her hand toward me, but she dropped it before touching me, as if she was too shy to touch me, as if she feared I might be angry with her for that. In spite of my weakness, I held out my own hand and took hers to put it on my cheek, shivering with her light touch.
"I love you, Beauty... I love you, " I said, as if enthralled by the sweetness of these words on my lips.
She sobbed uncontrollably over my weakening body and her tears fell in my mane, as soft as the dew on rosebuds petals. Her fingers caressed timidly my cheek.
"Don't cry, Beauty, please don't cry when I say that I love you... I'll die soon, you'll be free of my unrequited love..."
"Please don't die," she answered.
I was quite bewildered by this answer. Long copper-red locks were lying on both her shoulders and my body and I saw only the glitter of the fire on them.
"I don't want to lose you," she cried with heartbreaking sobs. "You have powerful claws, struck them into life! Don't let it go away from you, please don't let death take you away from me..."
She offered me the flower she had hidden till now.
"I created it for you..."
It was a black rose.
"Beauty, will you marry me?" I asked without thinking anymore, just hoping it was still time for me to find happiness.
"Yes, I will. I love you, my lord, I love you so much!"
Then I knew there was something wrong. Never would have the fairy let me marry Beauty or have black roses in my garden. It was hard for me to take the next breath.
"Beauty... Never have I noticed until now how well this name suits you..."
She reddened.
"Beauty...," I breathed, feeling oppressed. "I'm so sorry for all the mistreatments I..."
"Hush, my lord. Please live... Live for me if for nothing else."
I closed my eyes, so happy with what she said that I forgot to breathe.