Chapter XII: Magic stolen

Lotus wish
Copyright © Jeffrey K. Bedrick 1993.
Used with permission.

Before I had the time to strike myself dead, a little fury pounced on me, snatching the sword of my paws and throwing it away.
"Don't ever do that again to me!" said a voice that I recognised only too well since a mere sigh of hers could twist my heart.
"Why did you do that, Beauty?" I muttered gloomily. "All would be over now if you had waited one minute more."
"I didn't know you hated me so, my lord," was her curious answer.
Her tone was so strange that I looked up at her: her voice was broken, filled with tears.
"I don't hate you, Beauty," I said sadly.
"Then why did you want to kill yourself? To get rid of me?"
"No. So you would have been rid of me."
Then, for the first time, I realised that she was hugging me tightly. I tried to free myself of her embrace.
"Don't, Beauty. Just don't. I know... I know you're not acting of your own will when you do that and I think I'm ashamed enough like that. Let me go, Beauty and then, leave me alone."
"So that you could try again to kill yourself?" she snarled. "Think better, my lord!" she added, tightening her hold on me.
"You would have been free, have you let me do it."
"I am free. That's why I'm trying to help you. You're not my gaoler, do you understand me?"
I pushed her away.
"Don't try, Beauty! Do whateve you want or don't do it, but stop trying!" I snarled viciously. "I'm tired of all these tries! I've had only tries for two hundred years, don't I deserve some reality now?"
She grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me none-too-gently, her eyes glowing with a sort of anger.
"Try to think, my lord! Why do you think I forced your door for? To tell you I'd let you to your fate? Guess again! I'm here of my own will and there's no act here that isn't coming from me and me alone!" she shouted.
"What does it mean? That you've overcome your fear of the terrifying Beast lurking in the dark corridors of his own castle? That's very kind of you, indeed, Milady. Now if you don't mind, this poor Beast would like to die alone, with the little dignity he has left."
"I do mind! I managed to overcome my fear, because I know you were right: I've no right to make you suffer of fears caused by someone else. And now that I'm ready to help you, you'd send me away? I refuse!"
I sighed and stood up, pushing Beauty away.
"Don't play with me, Beauty. I'm not a young Beast and my heart is not as strong as it was before. I can't bear much more of this suffering."
"I'm not playing with you, my lord. I'm really willing to do everything in my power to help you."
I sighed once again. I walked to the sword, took it and hung it again to the wall. Beauty was watching me closely, probably to prevent me of any foolishness.
"Stop that, Beauty; you're not my guard dog."
"Promise me you won't use that against you, nor anything else, and I'll stop."
"I promise, but, you know, I'm a grown boy now," I grinned.
She had a light smile. I sat on my bed, feeling very weary.
"I think I will sleep now, Beauty," I announced.
"As you wish, my lord," she sighed softly. "Call me if you need something."
"This I will do, Beauty," I answered.
She left the room and I lay on my bed, closing the eyes with relief.

Behind my closed eyelids, I suddenly saw the fairy, greeting me with a large smile.
"How are you, my dear?" she asked me kindly, warmly.
"What is this new trap of yours?" I growled.
"You never understood my motives, dear child," she scolded me gently, almost in a soft sigh. "I'm not someone as bad as you think I am. Truly. And you're not the bad one of the story."
"If I'm not and if you're not, who is it, then?" I asked bitterly, sitting on the chair that just appeared from nowhere.
"There're not many other choices, dear child," she said in a rather shy way.
I looked at her with disbelief.
"Surely, you're not thinking that!" I protested.
"I didn't say any name! " she exclaimed, raising the hands toward the sky, as to prove she was telling the truth.
"Beauty? No, it's impossible! She... she's here to break the curse you cast on me!"
"Why are you so sure of that? Think again at the reason which I cast the spell for: I was angry because you didn't want to marry Rose Line. Why would I have cast a spell which would have been broken by another girl than my goddaughter?"
"Are you telling me that..."
"Yes, dear child. Only Rose Line can break the curse. I'm sorry."
"But... but..."
I was so stunned that I could hardly utter a word.
"But Rose Line is dead!" I finally exclaimed with despair.
Then I realised for the first time that I had never lost hope to be human again; that is, since Beauty was in my castle: she had revived the hope I could have had. And now, once again, I was crushed.
"Of course not! I'm not cruel! I wouldn't have cast a spell on you if I hadn't known it could be broken!"
I shook the head. Something was terribly wrong, but I couldn't point it out.
"Don't fight me, my dear, for you know I speak the truth," said softly the insidious voice of the fairy. "I've never meant any harm to you: I had found you a perfect wife, who wouldn't have bothered you, who would have entertained your guests so they'd have thought you lucky, and who would have brought you the secret of the black roses. Instead of what, you fell under the charm of a little witch who tortures you night and day! Oh, dear child, why are you torturing yourself like that? Don't you understand she's the bad one?"
She was near me, her delicate hand on my shoulder, looking soft and compassionate. Not knowing anymore where I was, seeing my world tremble and fall in pieces around me, I stood up, staggering, and suddenly I had the impression that a deep hole was opening under my feet. I fell in the void, a long, endless fall, where I could only hear my endless cry of distress. No way to escape this fall, no way to close the eyes or to stop this high-pitched cry. Death, come to me, I'll welcome thee gladly...
I woke up in my bed, still distressed by this vivid impression of fall, as if I was losing my soul, as if someone was tearing it apart. I had to breathe some fresh air, to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin - fur - so I could forget this feeling of cold and dark embrace on me. I walked to the door; when I opened it, I stumbled on an obstacle and I lowered my eyes to discover Beauty curled up on the threshold of my door, asleep. I bent down and lifted her in my arms with all the gentleness I could to carry her in her rooms. On the way, I whispered softly to her:
"One look at you was enough for me
 To know what my doom was to be:
 When losing myself in your eyes full of fears,
 I saw my fate twinkling in your tears.
 No way to escape, I already feel its breath;
 Slightly shivering, I watch it coming, my death..."
Looking at her, so fragile, so vulnerable in my arms, I was sure that, once again, the fairy had lied to me. There was no evil in Beauty. I laid her on her bed, stroked regretfully her loosen red-russet hair and prepared to leave when a little hand snatched my wrist.
"Got you!" said Beauty with a merry tone.
I looked at her almost with despair and disentangled my wrist from her grasp.
"I heard your little poem," she continued. "It's really beautiful, but sad. I just hope you didn't see your death in my eyes or I will have to kill them."
"Don't say that," I replied immediately. "You have beautiful eyes, it would be a shame to lose them for a Beast like me."
She sat on her bed and circled her knees with her arms. I noticed the gold chain around her neck, with the rose pendant.
"Do you like your necklace?" I asked suddenly, trying to withdraw from all this self-pity.
"Yes, very much. It's beautiful. Where does it come from?"
"I don't remember. Stoat probably knows it. You can ask her. Maybe it belongs to her."
Then I suddenly knew: I had made it for Sirli and she had left it in the castle just before leaving, for she wanted me to remember her. How strange to find it around Beauty's neck!
"I remember now," I said slowly. "I created it for Sirli, the first girl who came here."
She looked at me and gasped audibly.
"Perhaps... perhaps you don't want me to have it..."
"To the contrary! I... I'm pleased to see you with it..."
I suddenly realised I was alone with her in her rooms and I felt uncomfortable at once.
"Err... I... I will leave now, Beauty. I... err... I need to go in the gardens."
My retreat was almost a flight, but Beauty stopped me dead:
"Can I come with you?"
"Err... I... well, of course! I... you... I mean, you're always welcome!" I stammered miserably.
She threw me a quite suspicious glance, but didn't say a word. I didn't know what she had in mind - that is, other than to help me, of course - so I almost looked like a hunted deer - for a great Beast, it was a feeling quite funny, wasn't it?
Beauty stumbled quite often on the smooth path leading to the roses gardens and I remarked:
"Perhaps you should have stayed in you room and rested a little."
"No, no. What I need is a walk."
"In this case, Beauty, I have to propose you my arm, so you could walk more steadily. Of course, you can refuse it."
She looked gratefully at me.
"No, I'll accept it, my lord. It'll be very helpful. Thank you for being so kind."
There was no need of reading her thoughts to know why she was doing and saying such things. I simply sighed and said reproachfully:
"Oh, Beauty..."
She put her little hand on my furry arm - well, on the sleeve of my velvet costume, but it was almost the same. I felt her tremble.
"Beauty, I know I've got huge paws and very sharp and powerful claws, but I swear it upon my life that I won't harm you."
"I know, my lord. I... I'm just trying to get used to it. It's been a long time since I've touched someone. I've lived as a boy for three years now, my lord."
"You poor child," I sighed.
"I'm no more a child, my lord. I learnt it when I was sixteen."
"In a quite rude way," I commented.
"Well, not everybody can be a gentleman as you are... when you're not angry."
I sighed once again, gazing at her hand on my arm.
"I'm not angry with you, Beauty. I'm angry with those who try to manipulate me and as I can't always reject the fault on the gods, I'm angry with me. If they're not guilty, then someone else must be and this someone can only be me."
"But sometimes, no one's guilty," she objected.
"Not in that story, believe me. I know the rules, by now..."
A silence, during which Beauty's fingers mechanically stroked the fur of the back of my hand.
"I know you don't like this subject, my lord," she finally said, "but can you tell me what I really have to do to break your curse?"
"No, I can't, for two reasons. One, it's against the rules. You must find it by yourself. Second, I was just told how I could be free and I won't do it. This price to pay is far too high."
"My lord... since...since... I mean, why did you ask me to marry you in this case?" she asked, red as peony.
"Because... because... I..."
The words were on my lips, these three soft and terrible words 'I love you', but I couldn't say them. It was too hard. I tried to change the subject at once and she let me do for she was as ill at ease as me.
I wanted to escape her, for her presence was like torture, a soft, kind, but almost unbearable torture, but she followed me the whole day like a lost puppy.
"Please, Beauty, don't do that. It makes me nervous," I said around the end of the day. "And so unhappy," I added silently.
"I know, my lord, and I'm sorry, but... I can't help it," she answered with a helpless gesture.
"Stop doing that!" I shouted silently to Shuqra and the fairy. "Stop doing that... I can't bear it anymore... I refuse your false hopes! You don't have the right to intervene in the game, it's not fair..."
All my attitude probably told to Beauty what I was doing and she came nearer me; I started slightly.
"My lord," she said shyly, "my presence seems to distress you... But Raynal told me... he told me I was your joy... Was he wrong once again?"
I was taken aback by the courage of my little Beauty: I'd never have thought she could have had the courage to tell me that!
"In fact... no. No, Beauty, he was perfectly right," I acknowledged, holding out my hand toward her to push back a capricious lock, quite surprised by my own audacity.
But what surprised me more was that she slightly, almost timidly, turned the head so that her cheek touched my palm. I would have expected her to turn the head to the other side.
I marvelled at that simple fact and she saw the wonder in my eyes. She smiled shyly, glancing quickly around her, only fact that showed she was nervous by her own behaviour. Sadly, I dropped my hand and hurried back toward the castle. She stopped me almost at once.
"No!" she protested softly. "I thought you were supposed to be the terrifying one, not me! Why are you always acting as if you wanted to escape me? I thought I was your joy!"
Could she be so naive that she didn't understand what it meant for me?
"There's no way to escape the death I see in your eyes and that comes for me," I whispered so softly she didn't hear me. "You are my joy, Beauty," I repeated aloud. "You are my joy, my pride, the light of my eyes. I'd give everything I hold dear to keep you here, with me, but I know that one day, I'll have to give you back to this Hell that is the outside world. And I know I'll regret this day for the rest of my life, even if I live a hundred years more."
"I promise you I'll stay here as long as you want me to," she said solemnly.
"And if Raynal tells you it's time for you to leave?" I counterattacked.
Her face paled.
"Yes, I know that too," I said softly.
"I shall stay, even if he presses me to leave. But if you tell me you don't want me here anymore, I'll leave at once."
I heard her think:
"One word of you can break my heart as it can lighten my soul."
I watched her with curiosity: could this mean what I thought it meant? No, impossible, I was fooling myself! How could someone like her, so sane, only frightened by the touch of someone else, love me? No, it was merely pity and I hated pity. How could she love me, when I was her gaoler, when I threatened her more than once? I was a Beast, not a man anymore, a monster lurking in darkness, haunting nightmares instead of dreams...
"You're the man who taught her to read, to know the gods, to be ladylike, the man who allowed her to discover who she really was," said a tiny voice in my head, a tiny voice whose name I knew perfectly: hope, and I hated hope almost as much as pity.
"Hope and love are life's worse poisons," I muttered bitterly to myself. "One should never be allowed to love or to hope, for they bring more sorrow than joy, for they destroy the soul..."
"My lord?"
Beauty was looking at me questioningly.
"Why do you hate love so much?" she asked.
I realised then that I had spoken aloud and I felt embarrassed. Beauty seemed unhappy with what I just said.
"Well, it's not that I hate love so much," I said, trying not to show too openly that I was lying. "It's that..."
"You don't lie very well, my lord, you know that?" she interrupted.
"I don't like to lie," I riposted.
"Then answer me honestly. I'm not your executioner."
"It makes me unhappy," I confessed.
Her eyes narrowed.
"Unhappy? But... isn't love supposed to make you deliriously happy?"
"Yes... I guess. I don't know. I've never felt it this way; I've only tasted the bitter side."
On those words, I gave up the ground and left Beauty without looking back.

During all the evening, my mirror didn't stop to pester me with Beauty's image, following her all the time and flashing sometimes to catch my attention. Each time I looked up, I sighed when seeing Beauty's face filling the mirror.
"Stop that!" I snarled suddenly, angry with my mirror. "It won't lead you anywhere! She won't love me, she can't love me, so you better stop that now!"
But my mirror was as stubborn as me and it didn't listen to me, so I had to endure its obstinacy all the evening. When it showed me Beauty near the wishes fountain, I yelled at it and stood up quickly, trying to flee before hearing Beauty's wish. I knew it was useless since I could always hear her but I tried nonetheless - and failed miserably.
"I wish he could be happy and human again, with lots of roses and that the one he loves so much loves him in return," she said in one breath.
In spite of me, I turned on my heels: Beauty just put into the water the lotus which she made her wish to and sent it away with her foot. The wishes fountain was a myth of a bygone age, but when I was young, it was inconceivable to have a castle - or even a mere house - without this fountain. Normally, lotuses had to grow very near and each time someone wanted to make a wish, he picked a lotus flower, said his wish to it and put it in the waters of the fountain. What happened to the flower next determined if the wish would be granted or not.
I never believed such things and I didn't look to the lotus flower. Instead, I watched Beauty, drinking hungrily her beauty and the charm emanating from her. Then, with a sigh, I left my room. I knew I wasn't safe here anymore, since Beauty dared to force my door, and I really wanted a place were I could be alone in all quietness. I knew exactly the place.
I'd found it almost at the very beginning, when I was looking for a place where I could howl my anger and my pain, where I could show my rage without hurting any living being in the nearness. This place was the vaults of the castle. I called it 'the darkness of my realm' or 'the shadows core'. Stoat hated to see me there, but she didn't dare going down to tell me so. Sevulf disagreed with me too, but held his tongue. I could be safe for a moment in this blessed darkness, comforting, as gentle as a mother's touch.
I looked around me and went straight to the bed I had brought once I was so furious I almost killed Eponerius, almost the only one able to confront me when I was angry. I lay on my bed and looked at the ceiling. It was obvious that Beauty hadn't understood she was the one I loved so much, for she wouldn't have wished such a thing as she did.
I probably fell asleep, once again one of those sleeps I wasn't responsible for - since the fairy's spell forbade me any rest - and either Shuqra or the fairy had her hand in this sleep, haunted once again by a dream, almost a nightmare. I wondered if, in the second dream, the one with the crystal foggy animals, the reason of my presence wasn't called Shuqra, for the fairy seemed quite surprised to see me and assuredly not pleased at all.
Once again, Beauty was the core of the dream. She was discussing with the fairy and the conversation didn't sound very friendly. The accents of the fairy's voice were quite sharp and I knew Beauty enough to be sure she wouldn't let the fairy dominate her.
"...since you reject me," concluded the fairy when I arrived within earshot.
Beauty grew pale.
"You can't do that!" she said impetuously. "Half of this magic isn't yours! You can't take it from me, it wouldn't be fair..."
She interrupted, realising that 'fair' wasn't a word that could be applied to the fairy.
"I'm not known for my fairness, little one," replied the fairy like a cat who just ate a whole bowl of cream. "I'm known to chastise those who broke their promises."
"I made you no promise! You led me to believe that you were his friend and the only thing I said was that I'd do anything to set him free. That's what I'm trying to do!"
"No, you're not! All your efforts will lead him to stay under this hideous shape forever! Is that what you want to do? I thought you cared for him!"
"I care for him," answered Beauty with a low voice, her eyes burning with unshed tears.
"Words! Words! That's the only thing you're good for! If you really care, act so!"
Beauty lowered her head, ashamed.
"I already told you how to proceed. Why didn't you listen to me?"
"You're his enemy. You want his ruin. I want him happy."
"Oh, dear! I really thought there was a brain in this little red head!" snorted the fairy. "I'm not his enemy, I'm..."
"You want to be something like my stepmother," I intervened, coming out of the darkness where I hid.
The fairy gasped and Beauty's face showed joy and despair in the same time. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders.
"You're trying to impress the child so she would leave and you could force me to marry Rose Line. I prefer to die rather than see your goddaughter wear my ring."
"You can't tell her! It's against the rules!" she shrieked.
"You spend your time breaking them," I shrugged. "By the way, it's only a dream and dreams don't speak the truth, do they? Let Beauty alone, do you understand me? I won't say it twice."
She stepped back.
"You can nothing against me! All her magic is mine and without it, she can't help you!"
"I don't care. Frankly, I prefer to be a Beast with Beauty than a man without her - or with Rose Line. So?"
"I'll take all her magic back!"
"You can't!" cried Beauty. "Some belongs to me! The power of the green witch was mine!"
"I was thinking to the magic that allows you to read, little one," hissed the fairy.
"Objection! It doesn't come from you, but it's Shuqra's. You can't steal it from her."
"Try me!"
"I'm a magician too, fairy," I said with a warning tone.
"You're nothing, young fool!"
"Try me," I answered with a smirk.
She went red with fury and began the incantation of a spell; the spell sounded empty when she released it. I hid a smile and tried my best to look innocent. But I was so much jubilant that I finally shrieked with laugh - or roared with laugh or maybe was I shrieking with roar. The fairy threw me a very dark glance, while Beauty was smiling happily.
"You cannot win!" she said between clenched teeth.
"I can't wait to see how you will make me lose," I answered ironically.
She gritted her teeth and suddenly cast another spell. It was directed at Beauty and I just had the time to block it partially. The fairy smiled in turn.
"Now, we'll see who will win," she said and she disappeared at the same time.
I looked down at Beauty.
"I'm sorry, child. She took all your magic. That is, almost; I forced her to let you your green witch power and all the powers Shuqra gave you, like the one that allows you to read all the old languages."
I knew she was relieved to know she still could read, but her eyes filled with tears.
"If I don't have the magic anymore, that means I can't help you to break the curse? Oh no..."
She burst into tears and I rocked her gently in my arms.
"I don't care, Beauty," I whispered. "I don't care at all. Please don't be sad for me..."
Beauty didn't answer me but hid her head in my chest.
"I'm so sorry," she murmured finally. "You don't know how much I'm sorry... I just wanted to recover my voice and... and she told there was no way except if I gave back all the magic she gave me against my voice."
"I know, Beauty. Don't worry about it, please..."
"I made a wish for you," she said, looking up at me. "The fountain told me the wish would come true..."
"It's only a superstition, Beauty dear. The wishes fountain exists only to entertain the lazy courtiers in the realm. Only you, not your magic nor the wishes, can do something for me and..."
Then, under the fairy's command, most probably, the dream faded and I was lying on my bed in the vaults of the castle. I sat on the bed and cursed the fairy. I had no way to explain everything to Beauty and I wasn't even sure I would have had the courage to do so.
I thought lengthily at the situation and then, I had the surprise to feel a tear running down my eye to fall on the fur of my cheek. I knew what I had to do and I was on the point to break my heart without mercy.