Friday, January 18, 2002
From the Archives
These are some entries I saved from an old Scribble journalForgotten Warrior
Saturday May 19, 2001I've been up all night. I don't know why. Perhaps it's stress. Perhaps it's my body reminding me we have unfinished business.
I hate myself sometimes and that frightens me. Who are we if we can't at least love ourselves? But the irony is that as of late, I do not hate myself for my own actions but rather the short comings of others. The character flaws in friends that I can't fix and also cannot accomidate make my head spin in confusion. How do I tell someone they're hurting my feelings without hurting their's? How do I stay strong and make my feelings known without causing a screaming match? Nothing makes me collapse faster than fighting. Yes Mr. Freud, it does stem from my mother. I always remember her words, "I don't care if you're right, just shut up and don't argue, let your sister get her way so there can be peace in my house again!"
I can hold a casual debate like a pro but I cannot stand my ground in a full out argument. I waver and fall, my face pressed firm into the mud as I let the advancing enemy walk across me, my own pain unimportant compared to the fact that their boots will stay clean due to my degredation.
For once I wont give in. I wont falter even the slightest. I will stand my ground. I do not know if I will emerge victorious or defeted, but I will emerge none the less. And this time, when I leave the battle field, I will be able to hold my head up high.Hold On
Thursday, May 17, 2001Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy. I get depressed by my own joy. I hurt when I feel the pain of others. The slightest discomfort from one of my friends makes me sad beyond all repair. And I have an undying yearning to fix all that seems wrong. But what am I to do? Do I sleep with someone just to make him feel better and yet make me feel worse? Do I become broody and depressed all the time, speak of nothing but suicide, just to keep from upsetting a friend with my good mood? Yes, I have a life. It took me 21 years to get it and I worked damn hard for it. Nothing was handed to me, and I ask for nothing. I work, I strive, I sacrafice. I hate it, but it pays the bills and makes me self suficient and that brings more joy to my heart than anything else could. I am not driven by a lust for money, but rather a lust for freedom. And I am not driven by lust in it's pure form, not anymore at least. I'm almost to the point of giving up on sex in general. It's alot of complication and alot of worry. I will not sleep with someone out of pity. The act in itself is too hard on me, I do not need to be doing it when I'm not in the mood. The drama and frustration is almost enough to take a vow of celibecy. But I hold on to it all, desperately. Becuase I know the joy of a perfect moment. A good day that can be shared by all, a hard earned climax that brings me to tears, or a smile from a friend in thanks for a favor. These are the reasons I hang on, gripping until my knuckles turn white and waiting out the nausia until the roller coaster turns fun again. Because I believe in the good times, even if it means wading through the bad. And I believe I deserve to be happy, even if just for one moment of my life. I believe everyone does.
posted by SweetMaddness 4:16 PM
ResolutionI've finally decided on a New Year's resolution. Yes, I know, it's a little belated. Usually I vow five or six things, right at midnight, then never do any of them. I'm sick of it. This year I wanted to take my time and think up one I could possibley keep. I vow to not go to bed until I have spent at least 30 minutes writing each day. That means no tv, no IMs, just writing. It can be about anything; a story, a novel, a journal entry, a list of goals and dreams. As long as it's something written. If I fall off the horse one day then I just have to focus on getting right back on tomorrow! This is for no one but myself, and it doesn't hurt anyone but me. It's time I started treating myself better. It's time we all did.
posted by SweetMaddness 1:56 PM
Sunday, November 25, 2001
Death for To Do ListsI used to make To Do lists. But I want to do so much I'd always load the list up, feel overwhelmed, and toss the list aside without doing any of them. The next day I'd feel like even more of a failure because I got nothing done and spent all night watching tv. I've decided to kill off the To Do list. In it's place I bring to you The To Done List! This list is simple. I keep a word document on file and every morning I pull it up and add today's date. As the day goes on, I write down anything I've accomplished for that day. Things like reading, writing, cleaning, exercising, or anything else that I feel is an important accomplishment can go on the list. My goal is to have 3-5 entries per day. You may ask, what good is a list of things you've already done? The To Done list works in two ways. The first is that as the day goes on and I see the list sitting in my task bar with no new entries, I will be motivated to get off my butt and find something productive to do so I can add an entry to the list. And since this is a To Done list, and not a To Do list, I don't feel like I'm completing chores that had been handed to me. Instead I feel like I'm taking the initiative and completing something of my own free will, because I want to, which gives a positive connotation to these chores and tasks that seem so negative to us. The second way the To Done list works is that it is a record of my accomplishments. I was thinking today about my goals and dreams and I realized something, these are the same goals and dreams I had LAST year. Why haven't any of them been accomplished? I thought back on all the time wasted doing nothing and how much closer to my dreams I could be right now if I had used that time wisely. Which prompted my new self-motivation saying: "Will you regret this in a year?" I have that slogan taped to the wall next to my computer as a reminder of the little things I can accomplish in my downtime, rather than waste it like I have in the past. The To Done list is a record of these little accomplishments I make each day. At the end of a week, or a month, or a year, I can look at my To Done list and see everything that I have finished, all the little steps I've taken in propelling my life forward. What has been added to my To Done list today?
1. Did all my laundry and put it away
2. Exercised
3. Read another chapter in Harry PotterThey are small accomplishments, yes. But if I make 3-5 of these small accomplishments each day, think of all I will have accomplished by this time next year?
posted by SweetMaddness 7:15 PM
Wednesday, November 14, 2001
I'm 36 DegreesThis is something that has always interested me. It is something that has been examined and discussed for centuries and has been proved countless times that there is only 36 diffrent situations that exist for us to write about. Out of the million short stories, books, plays, and movies that have been written, there are only 36 situations that had to be used over and over again.
Situations
1. Supplication
2. Deliverance
3. Crime pursued by vengance
4. Vengeance taken for kindred upon kindred
5. Pursuit
6. Disaster
7. Falling prey to cruelty of misfortune
8. Revolt
9. Daring enterprise
10. Abduction
11. The enigma
12. Obtaining
13. Enmity of kinsmen
14. Rivalry of kinsmen
15. Murderous adultery
16. Madness
17. Fatal imprudence
18. Involuntary crimes of love
19. Slaying of a kinsman unrecognized
20. Self-sacrificing for an ideal
21. Self-sacrifice for kindred
22. All Sacrificed for a passion
23. Necessity of sacrificing loved ones
24. Rivalry of superior and inferior
25. Adultry
26. Crimes of love
27. Discovery of the dishonor of a loved one
28. Obstacles to love
29. An enemy loved
30. Ambition
31. Conflict with a god
32. Mistaken jealousy
33. Erroneous judgement
34. Remorse
35. Recovery of a lost one
36. Loss of loved ones
posted by SweetMaddness 3:45 AM
Saturday, September 22, 2001
Indulgance of the DayDid you know Redi-Whip comes in chocolate?
Other Random Events
I wanted vodka. I've been drunk on vodka before but never while alone in my own apartment. I was all revved up for a night of vodka and Gatorade with a splash of raspberry flavoring. I went to the liquer store and their credit machine was down so I couldn't use my debit card. I had to settle on Miller High Life, again. Not what I wanted, and not as smooth as vodka, but oh well. Beer drunk is better than no drunk at all, right?
posted by SweetMaddness 9:25 PM
Tuesday, September 11, 2001
House of CardsTwo towers
Reaching up to the sky
Fall flat to the ground
Like a book dropped on a house of cards.These are buildings that were built to weather storms, tornados, huricanes. Only a few minutes of fire made them fall down. When the stop story fell, it took mere seconds for the rest to follow. And then, suddenly, they were gone, disappeared. Pillars to the heavens, falling into an ayss of smokey hell. A cloud has decended on Manhattan. It stretches across America, from sea to shining sea.
posted by SweetMaddness 12:10 PM
Friday, August 31, 2001
Group Question
This is something that requires audience participation. Here's how it works. I pose a question and hopefully some people will answer it :) If you'd like to leave your answer (please, please, please! *begs*) then just leave a post in my guestbook.Question #1
If you could have put together a Summer Reading List for you friends, what would it have consisted of?My answer:
Drawing Blood by Poppy Z. Brite
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
1984 by George Orwell
Our Bodies, Ourselves
The Collected Poems of Allen Ginsburg
Kiss of the Spider Woman by Manuel Puig (novel or play)
posted by SweetMaddness 11:36 PM
