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Humerous quotes from various books....
Gerul: There's nothin' as dark as the dark, me ould mother used t'say.
Clecky: Really? Well, that was jolly observant of her, wot? I'll wager she used to go on about how flippin' light the day was.
-Pearls of Lutra; Chapter 5 (Mariel of Mossflower Woods)

Clecky: Of course I'm a hare, what'd you think I was, a long-legged tadpole out for a bloomin' walk?
-Pearls of Lutra, Chapter 5 (Mariel of Mossflower Woods)

Clecky: Oh say, look, there's a small fat mouse on fire!
-Pearls of Lutra, Chapter 5 (Mariel of Mossflower Woods)

Gerul: There's nothin' like a surprise when yer not expectin' it, it's surprisin' how it can surprise yer!
-Pearls of Lutra, Chapter 9 (Mariel of Mossflower Woods)

Methuselah: And what has she been saying to you, this, er, Warbeak?
Matthias: Pretty much what you'd expect. Either she, or the leader King Bull Sparra is going to kill me. Evidently she looks on anything that can't fly as an enemy.
-Redwall, Book 2, Chapter 11, Methuselah to Matthias on the captive Warbeak. (I am that is)

Basil: Got it, marm. All the weary warriors sleep while you sportin' creatures cook up a whackin' beanfeast. Right?
Cornflower: Right!
Basil: Last one in bed and fast asleep's a rotten egg. Yaaaah!
Foremole: Oi jus' bin a-runned over boi a mad creatur'. Hurr.
-Mattimeo, Book 3, Chapter 53, Basil, Cornflower, and Foremole on cooking through the night for a feast. (I am that is)

Buxton: Ho, save the choild, 'urry up and scoff quick now, lest the hinfant be drownded in yon pudden.
Tarquin Woodsorrel: Bally unthinkable, poor little blighter bein' drowned in a plate of pudden. Do not worry, young sire, help is at spoon. I'll save you. Gromff!
-Mariel of Redwall; Book 1, chap. 11, page 93 (Riverlily Wavetail)

Mangiz: Mangiz does not forget an insult, hedgepig.
Ambrose Spike: Good, then here's a few more to remember, you pot-bellied, cross-eyed, feather-bottomed excuse for a duck!
-Mattimeo; Book 2, chap. 33, page 265 (Riverlily Wavetail)

Lend me your battleaxe, big fellow. Oof! On second thought, you hold it.
-Jess Squirrel, to Orlando the Axe, Mattimeo; Book 3, chap. 38, page 298 (Riverlily Wavetail)

Figgs (imitating Hon Rosie): Lack a day, no tucker, tucker's gone, lack a day!....Lack a day, eat miz Rosie, Lack a day!
-The Bellmaker, Book 3, Ch. 28, p. 299 (Foremole)

Queen Warbeak, to Matthias: Plenty big fishworm, friend Matthias. My warriors take um to fatmouse friar; he burn um fish good. Sparra like fishworm; we eat plenty at big wormtime.
-Mattimeo, Ch. 6 Pg. 34 (Arrow the Hare)

Dingeye the Stoat, to Thrugg the Otter: "Mercy, yer Honour. That stuff's water-it's all wet!"
-Salamandastron, Book One, Chapter 4, Page 38 (Brother Durwood)

Orlando the Axe: If wishes were fishes there would be no room for water.
-Mattimeo (Mike of Redwall)

Bagg: Oh the pink Waterbogle. We've been carried off twice this summer by him, haven't we, Runn?
Runn: Teeheehee! I'll say we have. We told him so many whoppers he said he's not carrying us off anymore.
-Mariel of Redwall, Chapter 4 (Joseph)

Mother Mellus: Come on now, little one, eat up your woodland salad. Pudding later.
Dibbun: No, Don't like sala, wanna pudden!
Mother Mellus: Salad first, pudding later. You want to grow up big and strong like me, don't you?
Dibbun: No, wanna stay lickle and eat pudden alla time!
-Mariel of Redwall (Joseph)

Folgrim: Up y' come, rascal. 'Ere, Gonff, look wot I caught, a Chuggfish! Funny liddle critter, never seen one wid a tail that long!
-Legend Of Luke, Chapter 11 (Joseph)

Durry: If brains was bees, there'd be no honey between your ears.
-Mariel of Redwall, Chapter 16 (Joseph)

The Wild King MacPhearsome [an eagle] to Dumble: Och, these vittles are braw eatin', Dumble. Ha'ye nae mair o'those wee veggible pasties the guid hedgepid lady made?
Drooney [dibbun mole]to Dumble: "Bohurr, you'm heagle do be a-talking funny loik. Oi carn't unnerstan' a wurd 'ee be sayen, Dumble.
-Salamandastron (Mosspaw the Hare)

Matthias tripped a rat with the branch. He was learning to take Basil [S. Hare] in his stride.
"Why, of course you will Mr. Hare. What a bore you must think me. I'll probably sit around on the common here and teach the rats to make daisy chains."
-Redwall, Book 1, Chapter 19, Matthias to Basil Stag Hare. (Pear the Warrior)

Cluny: Get him! Grab that spy! I want his head!
Basil Stag Hare: What's the matter? Isn't your own head good enough? No, I don't suppose it is. Ugly-looking brute, aren't you?
-Redwall, Book 2, Page 207 (Basil Stag Hare)

Saxtus: Great seasons of famine! Tarquin and Rosie Woodsorrel with thier twelve young hares, that's 14 walking stomachs altogether. They'll eat us out of house and home, then pick their teeth with the doornails! (Russa the Badger)

Tarquin: Well, what a riddle t'be sure. I'll bet even Hon Rosie couldn't make head nor tail of this jolly old thing. Wot, wot! 'Course, y'know, I've never seen her solvin' riddles and whatnot. Bet she's bally clever at it, though. Hon Rosie's pretty good at most things.
Mellus: Listen, doodlehead, if I hear you mention Hon Rosie one more time...
-Mariel of Redwall (Russa the Badger)

Skipper: We could've been slayed or taken prisoner by blizzards wotever they be....
-Pearls of Lutra, Book 2, Chapter 34 (Mask)

A scene from Pearls of Lutra:
Sister Sloey: What seems to be the matter, mister Florian?
Ellayo: You never reported a wound. Sit down an' tell us about it.
Florian: Er, er, rather not sit down, Ellayo, marm. (Florian backs up against the wall)
Sister Sloey (with an understanding nod): Oh, I see, you were wounded in the tail area. Why didn't you come in here yesterday?
Florian: Er, well er, didn't feel so jolly bad then, you understand, just today though, been givin' me a bit o' gyp. Must've been a few arrows or a couple o' spears got me. Forgot all about it in the heat of battle, you know. Chap doesn't like to cause a fuss.
Rimrose: Oh, you poor creature, you must have been in great pain!
Florian: Oh, 'twas nothin' really. Stiff upper lip, wot!
(Bargle and Mayon enter, each tossing a broken half of a wooden salad fork on the table)
Bargle: Mister Florian, sir, wot's Brother Melilot goin' t'say when he sees wot y'id to 'is salad fork?
Mayon: Aye, I'll wager it smarted a bit when y'fell an' sat down on it like that. Must've give yer a nasty jab in the backside, sir?
Ellayo: You great flop-eared fraud! Wounded by spears an' arrows durin' the fightin' eh? Yore a fiddle--faceed fibber an' a trickster!
(Infirmary door slams shut, blocking Florian's escape.)
Florian: Er, I'll come back t'morrer, marm. What're you doin' with those bally great tweezers? No, please, I beg you. Yaaaah!
Sister Sloey: Bargle, Mayon, hold him still. There may be splinters. Don't want to leave them in there, do we?
Florian: Ooooh! I say, go easy there! Yowchouch!
Ellayo: Is that water hot enough yet, Rimrose? I want to make a nettle poltice. Can't be too careful with tail wounds!
Florian: Yeeeek! Assassins! Help me, somebeast, they're torturin' me t'death! Owowowowowwww!
Bargle: So brave an silent, ain't 'e, Mayon?
Florian: Wooooooh! Fiends! Gerrof, lemmego! Oohoohooh!
Mayon: Stiff upper lip, mister Florian, that's the jolly ole spirit. Chin up and never say die, ole chap, wot wot!
-Marlfox, Chapter 22, Pages 229 and 230 (Rinow Ordine Swiftwind)

Bargle to Cregga: Pardon me, marm, but why ain't mister Florian sittin' down like the rest of us?
Cregga: I didn't notice it. Mayhap mister Florian can throw some light on the subject?
Florian to Bargle: Flippin' spiky-mopped water beatle, mind your own business, wot! Chap has the right t'stand or sit if he jolly wants to, without your flamin' inquiries, you bottle-nosed fatbellied boat-bobber! Shove some salad down that great gob of yours and give it a flippin' rest!
Bargle: I was just about to do that, sir, but i can't find the salad fork nowheres. But I trust you, mister
Florian. You'll find it!
Mayon: Aye, you'll get to the BOTTOM of this.
Florian: A frog's feather for you lot. I'll dine elsewhere. I'm not standing here to get insulted!
Bargle and Mayon: Then sit down if you dare!
-Marlfox, Act/Book 2, Chapter 22, Page 233 (Matthias II)

Basil Stag Hare: Phew! Dear, dear, don't you chaps ever take a bath? Listen here, you dreadful creature. D'you realize that you smell to high heaven? Er, by the way, did your parents ever call you Pongo, or did they smell as bad as you do?
A few moment later: Basil and the rats.
"Grab that big skinny rabbit, lads."
"Big skinny rabbit yourself! Catsmeat!"
"I'll stick his ------ guts on my pike."
"Temper, Temper! Tut, tut! Such language! If your mother could hear you!"
"Blast, he's as slippery as a greased pig."
"Some of my best friends are greased pigs, bottlenose. Oops! Missed me again, you old butterfingers, you."
-Redwall, Book one, Chapter 17, Page 78 (Jezebel)

Martin [muttered through a mouthful of cake and milk]: In the name of mice, I'd have been a cook and not a warrior if I knew food could taste this good.
Gonff: Mmmfff, shoulden talk wiff y'mouff full.
-Mossflower, Book 1, Chapter 13, Page 76 (Tess Churchmouse)

Clecky (to Gerul): Well, you're a great help, I must say, foozin' great flock filled featherbag. Don't stand there blinkin' like a toad with a toothache, assist me against these vile villains.
-Pearls of Lutra, Book One, Chapter 5, Page 32 (Arra Skysong)

Durry Quill: Still, as my old nuncle allus says, if it be rainin' then there do be water pourin' from the sky.
-Mariel of Redwall, Book 1, Chapter 17 (Treerose)

Foremole (to Brother Hollyberry): Missus Spinnsey doant be unnerstandin' heagly burds. Doant ee wurry, zurr Berr'olly. They'm carnt talken propperly.
-Salamandastron, Book 3 (Mystalia Tranquilheart)

Durry Quill [mimicing Tarquin L. Woodsorrel]: Ho, I say, old bean, be that a wood pigeon or a great eagle? Blow me, I do believe it's carryin' me off over the folly ol' treetops to eat me all up. Ho dearie me, I don't s'pose it's a wood pigeon. Must've made a jolly ol' mistake, wot wot?
-Mariel of Redwall, Book 1, Chapter 17 (Ercestina)

Mole Dibbun: You'm a gurt baggybum beetle, zurr, hurr, an' a foozleface too!
-Marlfox (Beefaroni the Hare)

Tarquin L. Woodsorrel:
O Rosie the Hon, you're certainly the one,
I'll bet my bally life,
With your cute little nosie, beautiful Rosie
You'd make a lovely wife...
Hmm, lessee now, what rhymes with wife? Strife, knife... life. That's it!
-Mariel of Redwall, Book 1, Chapter 9 (Ercestina)

Dumble: O, I'll sit'a top of Mista Thugg
An' give 'm food to scoff,
'Cos he's my great big matey an'
'E won't let me fall off!
-Salamandastron, Chapter 18, Page 151 (Lichen Swiftblade)

Martin (to Gonff while in prison, upon being shown the tools that Gonff had be sent to get them out): Goodness me, a stick. How helpful. We could take this place singlepawed with a stick. What a useful thing to send us.
-Mossflower, Book 1, Chapter 6 (Gillian)

Laterose: Midnight! Wonderful. It should be farily easy to get clear of Marshank under cover of darkness. Oh, Grumm, you're a dear!
Grumm: Oi bain't no deer, oi be a mole, an' doant 'ee forget it, mizzy
-Martin the Warrior (Snowrose Badger)

Foremole fished Baby Grubb out of the panful of warm honey.
"Gurr, youm toiny rascal, wot do 'ee want ter fallen in honey furr?"
Grubb wavy a sticky carefree paw. "Hurr, better fallen in honey than mud, oi allus says. Bain't nothen wrong wi' honey. Bees makes et."
Foremole wrinkled his button nose, nodding in agreement. "Ho urr, the choild be roight, he'm be growen up woisley clever."
-Mariel of Redwall (Sandstar Swiftarrow)

Clecky the hare, after jumping around like a boxer, and hitting his nose on a low hanging branch: Did y'see that? Beastly foul play, sir! Low underpawed trickery! Sneakin' up on a chap like that! Highly unprincipled, deduct ten points, ten points I say, sir!
-The Pearls Of Lutra, Book One (Beefaroni)

Arven: I a likkle maggit!
-The Pearls of Lutra (Riverwind Oceanspeck)

Dingeye: This is treasure - riches, I tell yer. There ain't another weapon like this!
-Salamandastron (Beeble Watervole)

Florian (to Dwopple): Assassin, rapscallian, figdoodle, pollywoggin' savage infant! Yes, you, sah! I'll kick y'little tail ten times round the Great Hall if I catch you! I'll chuck you in with the flippin' apples an' trample you to cider! I'll...Er, now now, put that sling down, there's a good little chap...Heeeeelp!
-Marlfox, Chapter 34, Page 382 (SpeedySwaf)

(Excerpt from Outcast of Redwall) Early in the morning of the third day, they arrived at the junction of the river and the slipstream. Immediately the bankvole Ilfril poked his head out in high bad temper. "D'ye know yer trespassin'? Who are yer?" The metal-studded end of a huge battle mace thudded down near the hole entrance, and Ilfril found himself staring into a great, gold-striped badger's face, who boomed out, "I am Sunflash the Mace, Badger Lord of Salamandastron, and I like a bankvole for breakfast each morn. Who are you?"
There was a frantic scuttle of paws as Ilfril fled down into his home, followed by a nervous squeak. "Er, haha! Just a pore creature who lives down here an' minds his own business, Lord, feel free to walk anywhere!" -Outcast of Redwall, Book 3, Chapter 45, Page 343 (Arven the Second)

(Excerpt from Mariel of Redwall) Throwing themselves headlong, the three friends pounced on the miscreant.
"Yow! Ouch! Whoo! Eeek! Yarrgh! Lerrimgo! Gerroff!"
Young Durry Quill watched them as they hopped and leapt about like boiled frogs, yelling in pain at the spikes, embedded in paws and bodies, that they had collected from their plunge. He twitched his nose.
"Serves 'ee right fer jumpin' on a young lad like that. Ain't you beasts got no manners at all?"
Mariel hopped about in agony and frustration. "Ah, Ah! You sure you haven't brought the rest along with you. Ooh, ooh! I wouldn't be surprised to see Mellus, Simeon and the Abbot leap out from behind that hornbeam, yonder. How many more of you are there? Am I taking the whole population of Redwall with me? Ow ooch."
-Mariel of Redwall, Chapter 14, Page 140-141 (Deodar)

'You'm a dreadful 'oribble crew
An' oi wuddent give to you
Supper nor dinner, brekfis' nor tea
Oi'd spank the dayloights out of 'ee
An' oi'd make 'ee wash ten toimes a day
'Til you'm bad manners wurr scrubbed away
-Martin the Warrior, Book 1, Page 101, Grumm singing to the Squidjees (Dumble Foremole)

Trowbaggs (on hearing that they march for the northwest because Lady Cregga dreamt it): Well lucky old us, it's heigh ho for the northwest on the strength of a bally dream, wot! I think I'll dream tonight that I've been sent back to Salamandastron to take up the blinkin' job of head food-taster. D'you think it'll work?
Sergeant Clubrush: Strange y'should say that, young sir. H'I've just 'ad a dream that you was on potwashin' duty an' you volunteered to carry my pack all day. Wot d'you say to that, young Trowbaggs?
Trowbaggs: Er, haha, silly beastly things dreams are, Sarge, er, that is unless Lady Cregga dreams 'em up, wot! -
The Long Patrol (Springrain Streambattle)

Baby Dumble, singing:
There's no roof mouse, nor chimbley mouse,
No winder mouse or floor mouse,
An' I ain't gotta nokker on me nose
but I'm a likkle dormouse.
There's a fieldmouse anna 'arvest mouse,
An 'edgemouse an' prob'ly a shoremouse,
But I'm the bestest of the lot,
'Cos I'm a likkle dormouse.
Ohahaha an' heeheehee,
Yes I'm a likkle dormouse.
So I'll me dinner an' grow big,
An' then I'll be enor-mouse!
-Salamandastron, Chapter 21, Book Two (Dartpaw)

Mangiz:I will not stand here to be insulted by you Hedgepig!
Ambrose:Then stand somewhere else and I'll insult you there!
-Mattimeo (Firepaw)

Excerpt from Redwall: [to Jess squirrel] "War wound," Basil muttered as he demolished a plateful of quince and elderberry pie. "Got to keep the old strength up, y'know. Lashings of Nourishment; only way to heal an honorable injury. Feed it, what, what!" Silent Sam hopped upon the table. He showed Basil a tiny scratch on his unsucked paw. The kindly hare inspected it gravely. "Egad! Looks like another serious war wound! Better sit by me, little warrior. Feed it well, that's the ticket!"
-Redwall (Scurl Droptail)

Joseph (to Hon Rosie, after she felled a searat with a sling): Good shot, Rosie. Pity you never dropped him where he sat.
Rosie: Sat? The blighter was standing.
-The Bellmaker (SteelClaw the Fox)

Beau: My jolly old auntie'd say it's cold enough to whip the whiskers off a mole and wet enough t'drown a lobster. Cold'n'wet wouldn't be so blinkin' bad if I wasn't flippin' well starvin' t'death. What would you sooner do, Vurg, freeze t'death, drown t'death, or starve t'death?
Vurg: You didn't say wot wot.
Beau: Wot wot? Why the deuce should I say wot wot?
Vurg: 'Cos you always say wot wot!
-The Legend of Luke (SteelClaw the Fox)

Bella (to Gonflet after he rolled wine barrels into the pond): I knew a young mouse one time who was just like you, a scamp, a rascal, and a complete pickle!
Gonflet: Wot was his name, miz Bell?
Bella: If I recall rightly, his name was Gonff!
Gonflet: Heeheehee! Jus' wait 'till I tell my daddy! You a scamp! Raskill! Pickler! That's wot miz Bell call you! Heeheehee!
-The Legend of Luke (SteelClaw the Fox)

Gonff: I reckon it wasn't Riddig caused all that fuss, y'know.
Trimp: Was it not? Who do you think was responsible, then?
Gonff: Dinny's singin', of course. It drove the rats wild an' they attacked just to stop the 'orrible noise, missie.
Dinny: Hurr, you'm turrible crool, zurr Gnoffen. Moi ole granmum allus said oi 'ad a voice loik ee lark at furst loight.
Gonff: Haha, that's 'cos yore ole grandmum was deaf as a post, Din.
Dinny: Aye, an' thy ole grandad allus said you'm wurr ee most gurtly 'andsome creature. Noice ole beast ee wurr. Oi used to take 'im furr walks lest ee bump into trees. Bloind ee wurr, pore creetur!
-The Legend of Luke (Jess)

Thank ye ever so much to all the guddbeasts (especially to the most wonderful Ms. Starfire), who helped dig up these quotes! For more humor, visit