Notes: A Thanatos story,
contemplative, first person, and rambling because it’s Thanatos. Need I say more?
Well, actually I do.^^; This fic is dedicated to Majo-chan, whose favorite character is our very own, very cool and very hot Thanatos. (Sentinel: “What? That makes no sense!” Thanatos: “I’m scared….”) Let’s hear it for the God of Death! (No, Duo, not you. Shoo, get out of here.) You know, Majo-chan, I actually came up with this title waaaaay before that conversation we had about Thanatos dancing the mambo with flowers or whatever (well, that didn’t come out right^^;). What a coincidence, ne?^_^
I’m not altogether sure where it is that I’m going in my life. As bad as that might sound to so many people, it’s not so bad to me. I’m not all that focused on some distant goal, but I mean, I still have aims. I aim to be…hm, I don’t know…happy, I guess. And comfortable.
Yeah, I have pretty boring aims. It comes from not being very ambitious, I think.
Nemesis…now, she’s really ambitious. And focused. And goal-oriented. I sometimes wonder how I get along with her so well—she’s so diligent and hardworking, and she’s always crazy enough to take on some new project, whereas I do what I have to do… And then I take a break.
So because of that people have called me lazy. Nemesis calls me lazy too, while she’s rushing around fixing dungeons and keeping Upperworld in order and going off to the mortal realm to do her duties as the Goddess of Vengeance…just thinking about all the things she does to herself makes me shudder. I am lazy, and I won’t deny it.
But as I said, I’m not aimless.
A long time ago my aim was to survive in a world which didn’t seem to want that. Long term goals didn’t apply to me, so I never learned to make them. Just live from day to day, and survive. Now that I don’t have to worry about survival, that philosophy is still ingrained in me. Live from day to day…because all the best laid plans can go awry, so why make them in the first place?
I can see Nemesis rolling her eyes at that thought. She makes plans all the time, but she’s impulsive about it. She’ll come up with the craziest ideas from nowhere, but instead of keeping them as ideas she turns them into reality. I have no idea where she gets all that energy.
Actually it seems that everyone around me—well, everyone I care about, anyway—makes plans. The Sentinel, for instance. He’s just as focused as Nemesis is…though maybe it’s less obvious on what he’s focused about. Despite that, strangely enough, he radiates purpose. Like he’s certain of his place, certain of his direction, certain of his part.
I’m not. I’m just dancing my own little dance, and it’s probably completely different from what the rehearsed one is. Different…but I’m not so sure that it’s wrong.
Charon, I’m pretty certain, is like me in that he doesn’t plan anything either, but I think that’s because he doesn’t care, not because he’s lazy. With him, days come and days go and he doesn’t bat an eyelash. I, on the other hand, note the passing of days. I note the time as I lounge on a soft couch. With no plans I can just take everything as they come, but I want to enjoy myself. I can say with some confidence that enjoying himself isn’t a top priority on Charon’s list. In some vague sense he probably likes his duty, but he hinted once or twice that the reason he chose it was because he was good at it, and Charon’s…pretty restless. He hates just sitting around. So it’s my suspicion—actually, it’s my suspicion and Nemesis’, because we talk about it sometimes—that Charon chose the position of the Guide of Souls so he would have something not-too-thought-consuming to do for his immortal life. It’s a pretty good reason, though it definitely wouldn’t be my reason for doing anything. But as for life-long purpose and long-term goals, I bet my scythe that Charon has absolutely no idea, like me.
No. Actually I take that back. He has some idea, and he probably will fight tooth and nail to deny it, but as vague as any long-term goal would be for him, it would have something to do with the Sentinel. I know, because I’m the same way myself. I want to be happy…but happiness is not a thing I can achieve on my own. I look to Nemesis for help. And I know Charon does the same thing, but he’s just not aware of it because he’s so dense. This is the immortal who purportedly visits the Sentinel at least once every century, after all. We’re like two wandering ships finding a safe harbor in our best friends, and they keep us safe, they give us focus.
I like to think I’m a little ahead of Charon in this just because I at least admit that Nemesis is crucial to my happiness. Hn. He and the Lord of all things Logical should get their acts together soon, or they’ll never hear the end of it from Nemesis and I. It’s our own little private goal to get Charon so irritated that he’ll explode and blurt out something like, “Daitra damn it! So the Sentinel’s my best friend! So what??” Upon which he would regret it as soon as he opened his mouth, the Sentinel might (just might) lose his composure for a split second, and we’d tease them more. Maybe in a few more eons it’ll happen. I have high hopes.
Well, look at that. Did I just come up with a goal for myself? Though once again this goal would be nonexistent without Nemesis there—we’re partners in crime, we do everything together. And admittedly, it wouldn’t exist if the Sentinel and Charon weren’t there either, so they’re just as important, if not as obvious.
I dance my own little dance. But not really, because my best friends dance it with me.