Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of Marketing goons? THE SHADOW knows...
Courtesy of www.subway.com
Anyone who hasn't been living under a rock for the past god knows how long has had to have seen the newest Subway commercials. Voiced by the nasally talented Gilbert Gottfreid ((sp???)), a crude hand shadow puppet is the newest crusader for awareness of low-fat sandwiches. Sure, the Taco Bell dog was cute, Nacho and Dog (of Taco Bell fame) were just cool, and the short lived Squeaky: The loveable boa constrictor from Chong's house of chop suey sang like an angel, but a SHADOW PUPPET? What the hell?
Let me give you a quick rundown of Subway's latest overplayed piece of rubbish:
[Imagine a peaceful Venice evening, a Gondolier sings a heartbreaking Italian tune as two lovers whisper sweet nothings to each other... Alright, now imagine that goddamned shadow puppet appearing in a convenient sunlit spot, screaming in that grating voice:]
HEY! LESS SHOW, MORE ROW! [awkward pause]
Hey, where can I get some asiago cheese (alluding to their new bread flavour)?
[The puzzled boatman crouches down] Scoozi?
ALRIGHT! NEXT STOP SKOOOOOOZY!!!
Mind shattering, isn't it? Now, maybe that heavy handed piss-tactic might work south of the border (*cou-America-gh*), but we canadians are an irritable, simple folk! We like our advertising bland and unoffensive, usually with beer in them. These commercials have none of the above. They sure as hell don't make ME hungry for sandwiches, and anyone who knows me knows that sandwiches are my third favourite thing in the whole world!
But this leaves us with one very disturbing, frightening question:
HOW DOES ONE KILL A SHADOW???
Think about it.
Mark Edwards is charging up his halogen spotlight.
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