The Dilema
Mood:  down
Another *sigh*

I've been planned to get a tattoo for my birthday and I've really been putting a lot of time into researching everything I need to know before I go get one. I've already picked out the place( http://www.stigmatabodyart.com/ ), I've heard great things about it except for about the artist, Randy, whom my fiance suggested I get to ink me. I've looked at what little work he's put up on the website and a few of he works have been crooked .So I've heard two people say good things about him (one of whom is my fiance with the tattoo that's slightly botched in one place) and 3 people who've complained they had to go to Dermagraphics or some other place to get them to fix what Randy did.
Though, my fiances tattoo was free hand so, can't expect that to be perfect. I'll be getting a stencil done first so...how can you go horribly off from the stencil? The only part I'd worry about Randy screwing up is the island itself. He did Chad's lettering beautifully and though our are not the same font they are sort of similar in a away.

I've checked out another artist, Steve, who works at Stigmata aswell and his work looks good, nothing crooked, no terribly irritated looking skin, and he's done a tattoo that's similar to mine of Cape Breton Island. While I've seen steve's work I've not met anyone who's gotten work done by steve or found anyone on any ink message boards who's had anything to say about Steve good or bad. There's also the dilema of Chad taking my not taking his suggestion as an insult..which it's not. It's just the I'm a perfectionist and if there's anything slightly wrong with my tattoo I will notice it and it will drive me insane. If it's crooked I'll pop a vein because it's stuck there forever or until I can afford to pay for laser removal (which is a looooong way off cause I's be po').

Anyway, it's something I'll have to think about hard. I'm getting this done come hell or highwater...

Why????????
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: With Matches
*Sigh* All year I tell my mom don't get me jewelry. I hate jewelry. I don't wear jewelery. I don't even wear my engagement ring. Don't get me jewelry, it's a bad idea. I hate jewelry. I don't care if you think it would grow on me with sentimental value, it won't. You don't love me, I don't love you, there's no feelings between us other than duty anymore. I have medical bills I need help paying, that would be a better use of money than blowing it on a hunk of metal that means nothing to me.

Could I possibly make it any more clear that I don't want jewelry?

Stupid MSN
Mood:  irritated
Bah, I wish my friends used something other than MSN. I hate MSN. I tried logging on a half hour ago and it kept saying my username or password was incorrect. Eventually I had to just say "fuck it" and change my password.

I guess MSN is better than Yahoo! though. I get so much spam messages on yahoo from porn-bots or dirty men. The less encounters I have with men, the better is my theory . . .slime . . .

AIM . . .just sucks. Period.

READ SOMETHING!!!!
This is just going to be a short post . . .something that just crossed my mind . . .

How is it that so many people don't read books? I've heard this a whole bunch lately . . .I'll be talking to someone and I'll mention an author and ask if they've heard of that author and they're just like "Oh, I don't read books.". How the heck can you not read books? Anyone who's ever said that to me though has usually been pretty dumb so I can't be shocked . . .but still . . .there are a lot of "short bus" type books available. . .

I just assume that the idiot box has replaced books for a lot of people which is really friggin' sad. . .

I'm going to go read a book now. A thick one.

A Little Bit Of Sunshine
Mood:  surprised
I feel slightly better now. I was on the VeggieBoards and I just realized someone had given me a gift membership. That brightened my day alot. I know it's only like 15 dollars, but I really apreciate it when people do stuff like that. It makes my day. It's nice to know that someone was thinkin' about lil' ole me :-D

Paralyzed
Now Playing: "Unhappy" The Salads
It took me hours to fall asleep lastnight. I kept shaking and my stomach kept turning. I ended up falling asleep at around 5:00AM or so . . .

Today I woke up at around noon and I just couldn't drag myself out of bed even though I was wide awake. I just pulled the blanket up to my ears and stared at the TV for a couple hours even though I didn't like what was on. I had a nightmare about him and It. . .I've never felt so hollow . . .

I feel empty.
I feel alone.
I feel betrayed.
I feel cornered.
I feel second best.
I don't feel special.
I don't feel loved.
I don't feel safe.
I don't feel secure.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do . . .I'm hanging on with bloody fingernails screaming "DO something to help us! You're killing us! You're bringing in things that will rip us both to shreds! Why??" Everything I'm trying so hard to save . . .doesn't want to be saved despite what it says . . .

I've never created so much love in my life . . .and to have it spat on . . .just kills the last little bit of my spirit that was still alive. . .

So many things I would do, I don't get that in return . . .

Unhappy
In the past few days I've became "okay". I stopped having sharp pains in my stomach, and I've felt a bit less dead. I still have wicked nausea and migraines though. I've been eating though and I've put back on a few pounds. Something inside me is still deeply unhappy though . . .

I really hate this. Not more than a month ago I was happy. I was really happy, everything was great. And then it happened . . .and it scares me because now that I've grown a backbone and realize that certain people aren't my entire world, I push them out if they aren't good for me. I'm not really decided wether it's a good or a bad thing because I don't know if I'm too quick to jump the gun these days. I've just kinda lost all my fight to the point were if something else happens I'll probably just be like "Whatever, I don't care, go away. . . " and not even try.

I've spent too much of my life just forgiving people and letting them hurt me. I give and I give and I give to so many people and they just take and give nothing back. It's just not happening anymore.

Are you happy world? You've ruined another good person.

The Circus is Coming . . .My Parents Are Idiots . . .
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: "Why Do You Love Me?" Garbage
Garden Bros. Circus is in Hamilton on Thursday and I'm going their to hand out pamphlets about how circus animals a treated by their trainers and handlers and DVDs/VHS tapes of the the beatings and abuse that are common place for circus animals.

I really have to do a lot of research on Garden Bros. Circus tonight. They're very shady and good at covering things up so it's going to be difficult to get their actual history.

I've seen their Asian elephants though, they're very unhappy looking and you can really see where they've been hit with the bullhooks hard. I'm going to try to get in there early tomorrow so I can watch them unload the elephants.

I've not seen their Arabian horses but last year when I was holding up my protest sign I had a lady going into the show who called me "a fucking idiot" that but when she came out she was in tears and she apologized to all of the protestors because she's worked with horses all her life and as soon as those Arabians came out she knew what had been done to them and she knew that they were malnurished and sick.

My mother was asking if I wanted to go pick up my cheque and my glasses tomorrow and I said "No, I have a circus protest to go to." and then she asked when and where and I assumed that she wanted to know so maybe we could pickup my stuff earlier and maybe she'd drop me off to where I needed to go, so I told her. Then she asked how much the tickets were . . .WTF? She plans on taking the grandkids there. Grrr. There is a carnival in town that they could have much more fun at for less money aswell, for fuck's sake!

*sigh* My parents are fucking red-necks. They know exactly what happens to the circus animals and it's not like they don't believe it . . .they just don't care. It really pisses me off that sometimes they GO OUT OF THEIR WAY in order to do something cruel to animals.

Bleeding On The Inside . . .For Real . .
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: "All Along The Watchtower" Jimi Hendrix
I think I'm going to book an appointment to get an endoscopy done. I think my gastric ulcer has gotten much worse. I have to get that checked out soon before I burn a hole through the wall of my stomch and food and acid get into my abdominal cavity.

First I'm going to get a breath test done to see if maybe it's bacteria that's agrevating the ulcer but I really doubt it. I know it's being aggrevated by stress. That's what it always is. But having an ulcer that's induced by stress isn't very common . . .it's usually caused by certain foods or bacteria. In order for someone to produce enough acid in their stomach to eat away at their lining they would have to be seriously fucking tweaking out. Like not just "Oh my God everything is so fucking annoying and stressful in my life, whaaaaaaaaaa" but to the point of constantly shaking and thinking about what a beautiful fucking release it would be to put a gun in their mouth and splatter their own brains across the room. . .kinda like me. Maybe that will give you an idea of how stressed out my current situation has me.

Anyway, depending on how bad the ulcer is I'll either just get a higher dose of acid-reducer than usual, have it cauterised (which is just so much fun . . .), or I'll be getting emergency surgery. Goody.

Well, I'm going to go have a quick coffee with my friend Paul. I sort of heard about the bad news that he'd wanted to tell me from Elaine. But I don't know very much about it. Anyway, I don't even know if he'd want me saying anything about it, so I won't.

Oh, I ate half a cup of dressing yesterday, by the way. Managed to keep that down. Still living off green tea though . . I'm not even hungry anymore . .

Living Dead Girl
Mood:  sad
I've just been so dead inside since Monday. I didn't sleep Tuesday night at all, so I fell asleep at 6:30PM Wednesday. I woke up again at 6:40AM Thursday but I just felt too damned depressed to even drag myself out of bed to do anything more than grab a 7Up and go to the bathroom. I woke up again at 10:49AM and finally dragged myself out of bed at 11:30AM, I think.

I took my measurements today. Monday my waist was 28", today it's 26 1/2". I wanted to eat this morning but I just couldn't. I just felt so dead inside, I couldn't even get up the energy to chew and swallow. I tried eating dinner before I went to sleep yesterday but I could only get two spoon fulls in. Eating just feels like torture. So I made myself some green tea and I'll probably keep drinking green tea until I can eat again. I'm going to force myself to eat a soft cookie or something like that later today so I can take my vitamin and my birth control . . .

It's really amazing how quick the body starts to die after your soul does . . .