CHAPTER 19

            I spent the whole day with my friends, trying to keep my mind off of Aidan. Marshall and Nick decided to teach me how to fight, not that I really wanted to learn, but I figured it would make me a better member for my gang, so I went along with it. Marshall even got a black eye out of it. He told me how to use anger to power my throws, which works well since I have a lot of it.

            I was able to make it back without a problem, without getting lost. No one else was home when I got back, not even Katie. I dragged myself into the bathroom, locked the door, and sat down on the edge of the tub. I still couldn't clear my mind of all that had happened in the past few weeks, I had to do something. There was only one thing that I knew would work.

            I pulled a picture off of the wall and turned it over, pulling a razor blade off of the back and set it on the edge of the tub next to me. I had hidden it when I first got here, just in case something like this happened. I grabbed my rag from the bottom drawer under the sink, the one nobody else ever used, and got myself set up. I held my breath as I realized what I was going to do.

            One, two, three and four times I drag the blade over my wrist. I can't feel the pain anymore, just the pressure. A wave of relief washes over me like a cool breeze on a hot day. the relief is short lived as the thoughts and feelings flood back in, more intense than before. Another cut, a deeper cut, it's not working. My eyes begin to fill with tears as I re-live everything. What was the use anymore?

            I grab my wrist over my cuts as I attempt to stop the blood, which still proceeds to flow out through my fingers. I wrap my rag tightly around my wrist as a final attempt. I really didn't care about bleeding to death, all I was worried about was staining the floor. I stood up and grabbed a bottle of pills out of the cupboard above the sink and headed out into the kitchen.

            I knew no one was home, and it didn't look as if anyone would be home anytime soon. I pulled a beer out of the refrigerator and headed into the living room and sat down on the couch. I opened my beer and took a big drink, and one by one, swallowed the pills. I didn't know what it was, but I didn't care, as long as it put me out.

            I wasn't too sure what I was doing, though. It was as if I wasn't in control anymore. I just laid back as I began to get drowsy. I knew the pills were doing something now. Slowly, as I ran through memories in my head, I drifted off to sleep.

I opened my eyes to find Katie and Spencer staring at me. This was not the idea behind the pills, I wasn't supposed to wake up. I felt like crap, but I was alive. Darn.

             "Taya?" Katie said as she got down on her knees in front of me, "You're awake?"

            I saw Spencer sigh and shake his head at me as he walked out of the room. I knew he was disappointed in me, and I knew Katie was as well. This wasn't supposed to happen, I was supposed to die. I was sure anyone else who had heard, or would hear about what I did, would be disappointed in me, too. I knew it, I just mess things up.

             "God, Taya," Kate said as she took my neatly bandaged wrist into her hands, "You are so lucky you woke up, we were about to call the cops on you."

           I put my hands over my eyes as I tried to make everything disappear, "Oh man, I'm sorry."

            "It's not me you have to apologize to," Katie said as she dropped my wrist, "Spencer was the one that would have been screwed."

                        I pulled myself up so I could sit upright, but I was still feeling sick, and my head was spinning faster than I could think, "This wasn't supposed to happen."

                        Katie shook her head at me, "If the cops had come, we'd all be screwed, but mostly Spencer. This is a crack house after all. You need to start thinking about people other than yourself."

            I never thought Katie would be mad at me, but it was clear that she was now. I didn't know what to do, I had really messed up this time, and I was sure no one wanted me here anymore. I tried to think my way out of this problem, but I couldn't think straight.

                        "Spencer thinks you need to take a break," Katie said as she laid back on her hands, "So you need to pack up."

            I frowned slightly as I tried to piece it all together, "What?"

                        "We can't . . ." Katie started off, having a hard time getting it out, "We can't have you around right now, you're too much of a risk."

            I'm not sure I ever felt like I belonged in the gang, but knowing that I was getting kicked out hurt. I didn't belong anywhere anymore, "When?"

                        "You need to be gone by tonight," Katie said as she turned back to see Spencer looking at her, "And you need to leave the area, too."

            Spencer turned and walked back into the kitchen, out of view. I fought the tears as I knew I would be leaving. My throat started to swell up on me making it hard for me to talk without sounding like a freak. I just stared at the floor as Katie got up and left the room, leaving me completely alone.

           I stood up carefully and headed toward my room, steadying myself on the wall as I walked. I didn't need them, I didn't need anyone, I would be fine on my own. I tried to convince myself that leaving was better anyway. After all, I would be back to my own rules, and not the rules of the gang. Who knew, maybe I'd find someone else, someone who wouldn't see me as a risk.

           As I packed everything up as I had done when I left before, I saw Katie walk by several times and look in on me. I tried to put all of this behind me and forget that I had been here, that I had been a part of this gang. It was the easiest way I could think of to leave.

           I grabbed my pack and headed out the door, and I refused to look back. I can make it on my own, no problem. I looked up at the overcast evening sky, knowing it would be dark soon, and I had to find a place to stay. It hit me that I would actually be homeless, but I had a good idea of where to go. I ran over thoughts and memories as I headed down to the beach, hoping that it wouldn't be too cold tonight.

             I set myself up in the sand underneath the pier, the pier I hung out at. I had to make sure I was far enough up in the sand as to avoid the high tide. I dressed in as many layers as I could, and tried to sleep through what would be the longest night of my life. Who knows, this may be a good thing. I hope.