CHAPTER 18

It's been a week since I was beaten and raped by a rival gang, and my gang retaliated. I didn't know how bad things were between the gangs until this happened. My gang went in to get revenge, killing two members of The Tags, and one of ours. The group of seven that attacked ended up getting into big trouble. The two Tag members had been beaten to death, literally. Our member who died, died by gunshot as he was shot six times. That one member was Aidan.

            Four of our members were beaten and hospitalized, and the rest got themselves arrested. I knew Aidan had found himself another girl, but I still loved him. With the way he treated me, I think he still loved me too. He was, after all, the first person to volunteer to head the attack on the Tags. I cried, I'm still crying, but not physically. I hold it all in, no one else cried, they just got mad. I reverted back to cutting to handle all of the pain.

            For a month afterward I became depressed, and stayed indoors drinking, doing drugs, or giving gang members a good time. I was being eaten up by guilt, guilt that the whole thing was my fault. If I hadn't gotten drugged up and gotten lost, I wouldn't have been beaten, and no one would have died. I ran over the thoughts again and again in my head, convinced that everything was my fault.

            I sat in the living room watching the news, hearing about some earthquake in some other country, hearing about the stock prices and sports scores. Nothing meant anything to me. I felt like I was just some robot in a strange environment, with nothing actually having any meaning. Everything sounded like simple words, words without meaning or reason.

            Katie came into the room and sat down next to me, "Hey. . . how are you doing?"

             I shrugged my shoulders and took my lower lip between my teeth. I tried to ignore her and concentrate on what the reporter was saying about the stock quotes. Hidden money people call it, free cash, if you're willing to take the risks. Maybe I should have put all of my money into stocks and then I'd have been able to survive on my own, and wouldn't have brought such a negative effect to the gang.

            "Well," Katie said as she looked at the floor, and then back up at me, handing me a candy bar, "I think you should let it go, it's not your fault."

            I shrugged again as I took the candy bar and opened it up. It was my favorite, and I enjoyed it. I knew Katie was watching me, waiting for a response, but I didn't have anything to say. I felt that if I opened my mouth to say something, I may just end up breaking down and crying. Thoughts of my time with Aidan bounced around my head, good memories, bad memories, memories that changed my life. He's gone now and it's my fault.

            Katie shook her head at me and just stared, "Taya, you need to move on. You're no fun like this. Do you think Aidan would want you to be upset?"

            I shrugged my shoulders again, and then shook my head slightly, "No. . ."

             "Okay," Katie responded as she stood up and left the room.

            Right away Johnathan, one of the newer members, came into the living room and sat down beside me. He was definitely cute, but he was no Aidan. He was sexually harassing toward me, and couldn't be near me without doing something to me. Usually he'd have his hands up my shirt or something along that line.

            He leaned over against me, laying his head on my shoulders, "Hey baby."

             leaned away from him and pulled my arm out from under him, "Hey."

            "You know," he started off as he reached around and began rubbing my back, "You're too tense, come on, just relax."

            I froze as I tried to think of what to do, "Johnathan, no, please."

            "You know," he said as he pulled my shirt over my head, "I've got high grades with everyone in this gang, no one would ever believe you."

            I knew it was true, the whole gang practically worshiped him. I was too upset to even think. I tried to fight him as he dragged me into his room and shut the door. I knew what came next, as had so many times before. Just the situation alone told the truth. I closed my eyes and my mind as he laid me on the bed and got on top of me. My mind shut itself down, and I fell into my dark and silent defensive coma.

            I woke up the next day in Johnathan's bed, alone. My defense had worked as I could remember the events up to the rape, but I couldn't remember any of it. Not that I wanted to, I shut these things out for a reason. Without warning I started crying out loud, tears pouring off of my cheeks and dripping onto the floor. Why me?

            I got out of the bed and hurried out of the room and headed downstairs, grabbing some clothes out of my room, and heading off to shower. I turned the water on high, turning very little cold water on. I stood under the water, letting it burn off any sign of Johnathan. I wasn't sure how long I had stood under the water, but I discovered that it was long enough to give me first degree burns. I didn't care.

            I got out of the shower and carefully pulled on my clothes. I took out my toothpaste and toothbrush and brushed my teeth over and over for twenty minutes, causing my gums to start bleeding. I had to eliminate all of Johnathan from me, and force myself to forget the whole night. I started to look myself over, making sure that I had washed every part of me possible.

            I went to the kitchen to get myself something to eat, hoping and praying that I didn't have to run into Johnathan. As I stood over the counter making myself some toast, Johnathan rubbed up behind me, patting me on the rear. I turned and watched him as he walked through the kitchen and out the front door. I stood still for a couple seconds, waiting for him to come back in, but he didn't.

            After I ate my toast, I decided to head back out to the beach and check in with my friends again, since I hadn't seen them in over a week. I wasn't going to tell them what happened, I had to be sure I didn't. I just decided to pretend I'd gotten into a small fight with one of our members and lost, no big deal. Some of my wounds were still healing, so I couldn't hide them all.

I was going to make sure I didn't get drugged up or drunk again. The last thing I need is to get lost again, I may not survive next time. I saw the group, all laid out on their towels and relaxing. I saw as Mandy looked up and noticed me, alerting the rest of the group. I knew they had questions, and I debated on whether or not I should mention anything.

            "Taya!" Mandy shouted as she stood up and ran over to me, "Where have you been? We've  been waiting for you to come back."

            I shrugged my shoulders, "I just haven't been able to come lately, been busy you know."

            Mandy nodded in reply, "Yeah, sure, okay."

            "What? You don't believe me?" I replied sarcastically.

            "Yeah, whatever," she said as she handed me some acid, "Whatever you say, hottie."

            Everyone was undressed and sunbathing, but I couldn't do that, or else I'd risk them seeing everything. I could tell Mandy noticed my injuries, but didn't say anything about it at all, just stared. Everyone else stared at me as I walked up to the group. Jessica and Kelly looked at each other, and then back at me.

           "Wow, Taya, what happened?" Nick finally spoke up, seeing that no one else was going to.

           I smiled and shrugged my head, "I got in a fight, and lost. I almost had him though."

            "Damn, girl," Marshall replied, "We seriously need to teach you how to fight."

           I shook my head and laughed, "No, no, no. . . that will get me into more trouble, and you know I don't need help with that."

           Mandy opened a towel and laid it on the sand next to her, "Hey, Taya, here's yours. Enjoy the sun with us."

           I shook my head, "No, I'm not sunbathing today, just came to say hi. I need to be headed back anyway."

           "Aww Taya," Marshall whined, "Stay for at least ten minutes, will you?"

           I looked over at Mandy who gave me a hopeful look, "Alright, alright. Ten minutes, that's all."

            Mandy grinned wide, sat down on her towel and motioned for me to sit down on the one she laid out, "Well come on then, sit down and hang with us."

           Marshall handed me a pill and urged me to take it. I knew I shouldn't take it, I didn't need to be drugged, but I did anyway. I'd have a good time with them, even if it was going to be a short one.

We sat to together again in an all too familiar situation, enjoying the highs and dreading the lows. I stayed with them for several hours, instead of my ten minutes. I was going to enjoy this, and no one was going to stop me.