CHAPTER 1

           It's Friday afternoon and I'm just getting out of school. It's going to be a four day weekend this week, since the school is undergoing some remodeling or something. Doesn't really matter, it's still fine by me. I sit outside on the front steps of the school and wait for the bus, watching the other kids playing. I see the popular group all standing around chatting, and throwing different comments to others as they pass them. I see Nathaniel Barokin and his partner, Christopher, the school bullies, tease some poor boy. I watch as my classmates branch off into their groups of friends. I sit alone on the steps.

            I grab my worn out backpack and hold onto it, clinging tightly as I wait. The backpack had belonged to my birth mother, and she had given it to me when I was five years old. When she died when I was six, that was the only thing of hers I was allowed to keep. I was surprised as Nicole Sanchez, the most popular girl in school, and her sidekicks Tiffany and Lissa, passed me by as they headed back into the school. They normally avoid me and take another door. They all toss me a dirty look, so I turn away and look off into the distance pretending I never saw them.

            "Loser . . ." Tiffany says as she walks by me shaking her head at me, obviously making sure I hear her. Nicole and Lissa just laugh and shake their heads as well.

            "Her whole family is a bunch of losers." Nicole says as she holds the door open for her sidekicks. All three of them give me another dirty look. Nicole slips me the finger before she heads in.

            I can feel my eyes start to tear up, but I quickly wipe them away. I can't be seen crying. I dig my fingernails into my arm as I rock back and forth, trying to calm myself down. I stare down the road, just waiting for the bus to arrive. Any day now would be good. My mom used to pick me up, but she'd usually come drunk, and everyone would see her. I told her a few months ago that I could take the bus, and I have ever since. No matter what, it always seemed to be late. Those last minutes sitting outside of the school waiting were the worst, I dreaded them every day. I even got detention on purpose a couple of times just to avoid this.

            Brandon and Kira come and sit down on the bottom step to the left of me. Brandon pulls out two cigarettes and hands one of them to Kira, and then lights it for her. Kira takes a puff and turns around and smiles at me, holding her cigarette in the air as an offering. I just smile back and shake my head. Kira shrugs and turns back and gives Brandon a deep kiss. Kira and Brandon are the only two classmates in the school that will talk to me. Last month I was able to sit and talk with Kira for well over an hour, although she did most of the talking.

           Finally the bus arrives, late as usual. I quickly get up, still clinging to my backpack, and make sure I'm the first one on. I smile at Rick, the bus driver, like I always do, and like he always does, just shakes his head and tells me to take a seat. I then move all the way down to the back of the bus, and sit down next to the window on the very last seat, setting my backpack on the seat next to me so that no one sits there. This has been my seat forever, the 'reject seat' as they call it.

           I watch as everyone else boards the bus, one by one in the order of popularity. After me comes the social rejects, where Brandon and Kira are set, followed by the Goth kids, and then the geeks. After the 'losers' are out of the way you get the levels, level three, two, and one, level one being the popular ones .I've always found that amusing, and as funny as it is, it doesn't really bother me that I'm on the bottom. From here I get to see every single one of them from a relatively safe spot. Having one of the 'losers' walk past the 'levels' is risky business. Luckily my stop is the very last stop.

             Brandon and Kira sit down in the seat directly in front of me and turn to face me. Brandon hands me a candy bar, "What's up, coolie?"

           I take the candy bar cautiously and smile back, "Not too much, ready to get home."

           Brandon and Kira both nod together. Kira then smiles at me, leans over the seat, briefly getting yelled at by Rick. She eased back down, hiding her hand as she gave him the finger, and then turned to me again, "So, Taya, four day weekend, you excited?"

           I nodded in reply as I opened my candy bar and I take a bite. I can't help but make a face as I realize what that means, "Yeah. Well, four days at home. I guess so."

           Brandon smiled at me and handed me a piece of folded notebook paper. Opening it I saw that it had a phone number and an address on it. I looked up at Brandon somewhat confused, "What's this for?"

           Kira laughed as she took the paper away from me and wrote something on it. She handed it back, open, "There, is that better? We're going to the city this weekend, Brandon and I, and we want you to join us."

           I just stared at the paper for what seemed like forever. I’m getting asked to go somewhere by people other than my parents? This was new, very new. I shook my head slightly, "I don't know, I don't know if I can."

           Kira gave me an evil smile, and started joking, "Thou hast not learnt the art of lying? We shall teach you the basics, young grasshopper."

           Brandon and Kira both looked at each other and smiled. Brandon smiled back at me and nodded, "Just tell your 'rents that you need to do some serious studying, and you have to study with your partners. They always go for that, it's an educational lie."

           I looked back down at the paper, my invitation to life. I shook my head once and looked up at them, "I . . . I still don't know about this. My parents, they're... they're different, you know?"

           Kira stood up, ignoring Ricks yells completely, put my backpack on my lap and sat down next to me. She looked at me pleadingly, "Come on, you can do it! Please? I get bored when it's just Brandon and I. He can be so boring sometimes, you know?"

           "Hey, I heard that!" Brandon yelled back, smiling at her and shaking his head.

            Kira put my backpack on the floor and gave my half eaten candy bar to Brandon, then turned me so I faced her, and then took my hands in hers. She gave me 'the lip' for a brief moment, "Please? We need some more estrogen in the group, and you're our only hope!"

             I blushed slightly at the way she said it, and then smiled back at her, nodding slightly, "Ok, I'll do it."

           Kira smiled wide at me as she got up and went back to her seat, with Rick again yelling at her to sit down. Her eyes grew big as she nodded wildly at me. She grabbed the candy bar from Brandon and handed it back to me, "You won’t regret it, we have a lot of fun! My number is on that piece of paper, call me later tonight and we can work the details."

           Kira turned and kissed Brandon, Brandon seemed almost to fall into her. I just sat back with the paper in one hand and my candy bar in the other, I could hardly believe it. I looked up at Brandon and Kira, who were still messing around with each other. I kept on eating the candy bar as I read the paper over and over, trying to convince myself that this was really happening. My candy bar was gone, but it was definitely delicious, especially since I hadn't eaten anything all day.

            We finally arrived at Kira and Brandon’s stop, they both lived two blocks from each other. They got up and gathered all their things, making sure not to leave anything behind. Kira backed down the isle slowly and winked at me, "Don't forget, coolie!"

           As was proven many times before, the 'losers' always get something when passing the 'levels'. Bethany, a level two, reached out with her leg and tried to trip Kira, "Bitch!"

           Kira caught herself and turned back to Bethany, "Dyke!"

           Brandon came back and glared at Bethany, his warning. Kira and Brandon may be second up from the bottom, but everyone knows that they will fight. Bethany turned and looked away as Kira and Brandon stepped of the bus, and then turned to her own sidekick, Kallie, "What a loser."

            One by one we finished dropping everyone off. You can tell who the stop is for just by the neighborhoods we stop at. The two 'upper levels', or two and one, live in the rich neighborhoods, the one's that look like they're country clubs all on their own. It really is true, money can buy popularity. Now I'm the last one, and we near my neighborhood. Small one room houses, some mobile homes on empty lots, even a trailer park down the block on Miller Street. My stop is still three blocks from my house, but that’s okay, I don't really care for anyone to see my house.

            The bus stops and I grab my backpack, making sure not to stand until the bus stops completely, or I'd end up getting a five minute lecture from Rick. I walk down the isle and head out the door, telling Rick to have a good evening, and he only grunts in reply. I watch as the bus drives down the road, turns the corner and disappears. The weather is getting chilly, and I can tell just by the clouds that it may snow tonight. I slowly walk toward my house, dreading the mountain of homework we were all given as a result of the four day weekend. Math, science, history... I hated it all, but I never got less than ninety-percent on any of my tests.

            As I turned the corner and started walking down Hillard Street, my street, I stopped breathing. My heart was pounding in my chest, my breaths came sporadically as I began to shake. Looking down the block to my house, I see two police cars sitting in front of my house. Not one of the neighbors like usual, but my house. My hands shook slightly as I brushed my hair back with my fingers. I bit my lower lip as I walked up to the house and to the front door. This would not be good.

            I cautiously opened the door, and stepped in. There were four police officers in my house, two talking to my mom in the living room, and two talking to my dad in the kitchen. I slowly drop my backpack to the floor next to the door and just stare for a minute. Dad is in the kitchen yelling at the officers, and mom is sitting on the couch crying. I see beer cans all over the place. This really won’t be good.

            I'm sure my face is looking awful right now, but I can't help it. I feel my body tense up as one of the officers that was questioning mom approaches me. He kneels in front of me so his face is level with mine, “Hey, I'm Officer Kent Marrow. What's your name?"

            I look past him for a brief moment and look at both of my parents, who each give me a threatening look. I look back at Kent with a confused look, "Taya. My name is Taya."

             "Well, Taya, would you come with me for a minute?" he said as he stood up and put his hand on my back, guiding me to the corner at the bottom of the stairway.

            He knelt down in front of me again and grabbed my hands, "We are here because your mother called us. Don't worry, you've done nothing wrong."

            I wanted to back away, but he had me literally cornered. I'm sure my face must be telling him that I'm afraid, even I could feel it in my face. I almost didn't want to ask, but I did, "What happened?"

            Kent never broke eye contact with me and never changed his reassuring look, "Well, your mother called us saying that your father was out of control. Does he ever get out of control in front of you?"

            I looked past him again to my mother who shook her head as she looked at me, and then quickly back at Kent, "Umm, sometimes, maybe."

            I turned to see my mom frown at me, but Kent squeezed my hands so I'd look back at him, "Taya, this is a hard question, but I need you to answer it for me if you could. Have either of your parents ever hurt you, even once?"

            I was shocked by the question, and again looked over to my mother for approval. I could tell what she wanted me to say just by the look she gave me. I shook my head and forced my face muscles to relax, and I smiled, giving the most convincing look I could, "No."

            Kent nodded at me and then looked at the floor for one minute. He then stood up and took me by the hand upstairs, "Taya, I need you to be honest with me here, you won’t get in trouble, I promise."

            I could feel my face breaking again. Part of me wanted to break down and cry, telling him everything. I so wanted to tell him the truth. I forced a smile again and shook my head, "No, they haven't."

            He smiled at me and nodded in reply, looking somewhat disappointed, "You would tell me if they did, right?"

            My smile broke into a fearful frown. I just shrugged my shoulders and tried to crack a smile.

            "Okay," he said. He stood up and put his hands on my shoulders as he walked down to the living room with me.

            Everyone was together in the middle of the room when we got down. Both of my parents gave me a questioning look as I we walked toward them. I shook my head slightly to let them know I hadn't said anything. One of the officers continued to talk to my parents, while the other three broke off and started talking in the kitchen. I could tell my parents just wanted them out of there, they were acting as if nothing had happened at all.

            The other three came back, and Kent headed back toward me. I backed up to the wall next to the front door. The other three officers moved so that my parents had to talk to them facing away from me. Kent came back and kneeled in front of me, "Okay, we're going to leave now, everything here seems to be working out."

            I smiled at him, I didn't want him to go, but I couldn't say that, "Thank you."

            He handed me a card and then pointed everything out to me, "Here's my card. If anything, anything at all happens and you're afraid, or hurt, or anything at all, just call me. This is the number of the station, all you have to do is call it and tell them you need to speak to Officer Kent Marrow, and they'll find me. At home or on the streets, they'll get a hold of me and I can be here in minutes, day or night. Call me if you ever need me."

             I fought back tears as I stuck the card in my pocket. Someone was there for me, really there for me, and I couldn't even tell the truth. I decided to give in and gave him a hug, "Thank you. I will."

            He stood up and looked at me reassuringly as he waited for the other officers. All three of them smiled and said goodbye as they walked out the door. Kent winked at me right before he shut the door behind him. Mom walked over to me and stopped. She shook her head at me and motioned for me to move into the living room. I stared at her as she watched the police officers get in their car and leave.

             "God damnit, Kyle! Do you know how much trouble we could have been in? My God, you need to learn some self control..." she screamed past me to my father who was now in the kitchen. She grabbed a half empty beer can off of the television and took a couple gulps as she headed to the kitchen.

            I stood frozen with fear, not sure what to do. She told me to go here, so I did, now I wait. My dad was leaning over the sink as he gulped down the rest of his beer. Throwing the can on the kitchen floor he walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed another one, "You're the one who called them, not me! You should never have done that, it's your fault, not mine!"

            My mom looked angry now as she too grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and popped it open, "I should have known! You never act responsible, I'm always the one who has to settle things around here! All your good for is occasional sex and sharing a six-pack!"

            My dad turned and stared her right in the face for a second, before pulling his hand across her face, "Don't you ever say that to me!"

            My mom was too drunk to really be effected. She took another gulp of her beer, "Fuck you!"

             My mom grabbed a second beer can from the refrigerator and headed upstairs, glaring at me as she walked by, "I hope you're sorry, because you're going to be!"

            My body shook, thoughts went through my head. I knew what I was going to be sorry for, sorry that I was part of this family, sorry that I wasn't here for her to take it out on me instead of calling the police, sorry for somehow causing this fight... I could feel my body tense up as it braced for the fury yet to come. I wanted to run, I wanted to leave, but my body was frozen with fear, I couldn't move. All I could do was watch as my dad finished his beer and stumbled out of the kitchen, heading in my direction. My mind said to 'run', but my body wouldn't listen.

            He came over to me and stood right in front of me. I leaned my head back and looked up at him, at his face. His hair was a mess and he smelled strongly of alcohol. I turned my head down and looked at his feet as he yelled at me, "Is she a bitch or what?! I mean... jeeze. Can't… Can’t a man have a drink without it involving the... cops?!"

            I shrugged my shoulders and make a quick glance at his face, he looked mad, really mad now. He then pushed me hard on the floor, my hands tingled as they braced my impact. It was as if I were a deer caught in the headlights, knowing what was going to happen, but yet unable to move. I start hyperventilating as my body shakes. My dad is now standing over me screaming something, he's yelling incoherently now. My body recoils each time he kicks me. It's going to get worse, I force myself to blank out like I normally do. Thank God for that control. This is going to get bad.