The Woman Says: “Oh, you really shouldn’t have!”
What She Really Means: “God, this is the suckiest present I’ve ever gotten in my life. I hate you so much! I can’t wait to exchange this piece of shit.”
The Woman Says: “I don’t want anything for my birthday/Christmas.”
What She Really Means: “Buy me the most expensive thing you can find… and make sure you save the receipt.”
The Woman Says: “I don’t want you to go through a lot of trouble.”
What She Really Means: “Make a huge fuss over me! I am a princess!”
The Woman Says: “We have to talk.”
What She Really Means: “I want to find out exactly why you’ve been acting like such a dumbass and you are not leaving the room until you give me a reasonable explanation.”
Sometimes, but not always, she also means: “I want to tell you all about my problems and you’re not allowed to say anything until I’m done. When you do, it had better be something intelligent.”
The Woman Says: “I’d love to meet your family!”
What She Really Means: “If they any way resemble the Manson Family, we are through.”
The Woman Says: “I’m not mad.”
What She Really Means: “We’re gonna play a little game! It’s called ‘Guess What’s Wrong With Me Or You’re Never Getting Any Ever Again’!”
The Woman Says: “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”
What She Really Means: “Touch me and I’ll rip it clear off.”
The Woman Says: “I love you.”
What She Really Means: “I love you.”
Sometimes there are various undertones of: “PLEASE SAY IT BACK!”
The Woman Says: “I’m kind of hungry.”
What She Really Means: “Take me to an expensive restaurant and don’t skimp on the dessert!”
The Woman Says: “Do I look fat in this?”
What She Really Means: “Tell me I’m the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen or you’re never getting any ever again.”
The Woman Says: “What are you thinking about?”
What She Really Means: “Please say something besides beer or sex, please.”
Sometimes she means: “I want to have a conversation about something besides beer or sex.”
The Woman Says: “I think I’m going to stay in tonight.”
What She Really Means: “I’m cracking out a pint of Haagen Daaz and watching Lifetime all night.”
The Woman Says: Any reason why she can’t go out with you next Saturday.
What She Really Means: “You’re a loser. Call me when you win the Lottery.”
When I think of other phrases that have dual meanings, I’ll be sure to add them. For now, these should suffice.
You’re No Dear Abby, That’s For Damn Sure I Want Me Some Action!