im empty now
Now Playing: the killers- mr. brightside.
Topic: to go back to deppression
im really upset about the whole losing chris thing. i never thought i would lose him........... it's been the hardest thing in the world and i never thought this would happen. i dont think i can function regularly without him. leah tried to make me feel better today by telling me.."hes not the best person in the world , hes not everything." but the thing is , despite how much i hate to admit it he was every thing to me. ive done nothing for the last 4 years except love him. and he just throws me out like i never existed. everyone keeps asking me what exactly happened and thesad part is , i dont remember i tried so hard to pretend like it never happened. when kids go through a traumatizing episode , they block it out and dont even remember it happening. i wish i could block this out. im getting more and more depressed every few minutes. im having these hysterical breadowns in my classes. ive received about 12.8 hugs today. i hate sympathy but i need my other friends right now. i need to know that i have someone else besides him. i need to be loved and i feel destroyed and broken and totally dishevelled. im more distraught than ive ever been in my life.

story 2
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: blackeyed peas - my humps / slc punk!
Topic: to go back to deppression

i have been in colonie at my grandparents house.
while i was here a few interesting things happened...
1. i told my uncle jason about my pot smoking habits
2. i met my uncle jasons fiance.. jen is druid(tree hugger..) shes cool though.
3. i saw my brother tyler, sister zoe and dad jim.
the thing is i hate my father and the siblings drive me insane!
4. the last is that while i was here one of my closest friends, chris d. and i arnt friends anymore..... wow as i typed that i broke into tears. i cant really see the screen anymore. so im going to go.. but im leaving colonie tonight so i wont be able to write for a while.
<3alexis

story 1
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: marcy playground-sex and candy
Topic: to be new at something
i hate being new at things. i hate that this is my first blog and im not really sure what to do with it. i actually have grown to hate alot of things , like small children and the elderly. well maybe its not that i hate them its more that they scare me. its like with little kids i get so nervous thinking "was i ever that obnoxious and un behaved?" and with old people i am terrified that when i get really old i will be one of those old people that have to depend on their kids who shouldnt have to stop their lives for their moth-ball smelling old mother. it just scares me is all. well i just figured out that another thing i hate is that on my very first blog all i did was talk about what i hate. im much more negative than i thought i was..... well i think i am done for now. i have to go get ready to go see harry potter and the prizoner of azkaban. oh well thats something that i love!!! harry potter. but ill get more into that another time.

<3 alexis <3