If you dont want to read this, go BACK
The Jabberwocky Greatest poem ever!
Snarky Funny random story
Snape 303 ways to piss off Snape, or anybody really
Voldie ways to annoy Lord Voldie ect.
To_Do Evil overlord to-do list, a must read (for those of us with plans for world domination at least)
You know you live in Northern Virginia (Or Southern Metro Maryland) When . . . To those who know me, and live nearby, this will be amusing.
In an answer to how many dogs it takes to change a light bulb...
Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler:
Make me.
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How
long will it be before I can expect light?
World religions explained
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens."
Buddhism: Shit happening is an illusion.
Islam: Shit happening is the will of Allah.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Christian Science: If shit happens, pray and it will go away.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Atheism: Shit happens for no reason.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens...
Stoicism: Shit happens. I can take it.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
Unitarianism: We accept all shit.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.
What were you planning on doing for an encore?
Standing on a hilltop during a lightning storm
wearing a wet suit of armor
and yelling 'All gods are bastards!' at the top of your lungs?"
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
'There's no magical substitute for an Uzi.
Nor any defense.' - pawn to Queen
Catch-22: if you're worried that you're crazy, you probably aren't
be SEXY.
it doesn't mean you have to have sex.
The Ship Song:
Come sail your ships around me,
Come loose your dogs upon me
We can talk about it all night long
Come sail your ships around me,
Your face has fallen sad now
Come sail your ships around me,
Come loose your dogs upon me
Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds--it's a pretty and dark ballad)
Laugh, and the world laughs AT you. Cry, and the world laughs harder.
I expect that woman will be the last thing civilised by man.
:::"If you be sugar. I'll be spice. If you be fire, I'll be ice. If you are cold. I'll make you hot. As long as you give me all you got"-Unknown :::
you're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without falling off.
It's not paranoia if they're really after you.
For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe, the horse was lost. For want of a horse,
the rider was lost. For want of a rider, the message was lost. For want of the message, the battle was lost. For want of the battle, the war was lost. All for the want of a nail.
A mysterious large rumbeling noise was investigated and found to be a mysteriously large rumbeling noise.
Robert Frost:
Whose woods these are, I think I know
Famous Last Words:
Cure for Senility found but lost before recorded.
One word in this ticker is wrong.
Those who in quarrels interpose, Must often wipe off a bloody nose. -John Gay
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
If blues blue, and grays grey, what is the mathematics formula for a very advanced pig?
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not yelling & screaming like the passengers in his car ...
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a teabag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ...SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!!
What do you call a duck with his tail on fire? A fire quacker.
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Two weasels are sitting in a bar and one says to the other "I slept with your mother!" everyone else quiets down to see what the second one will do. The first one again yells "I slept with your mother" Then the second one looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk"
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
Why don't they spell phonetically, phonetically?
Please, she thought, please let it not have been the head injury. -Draco Dormiens
"I was going to be really pissed off at you," said Ron, "but since you've just fallen off a massive cliff, I'll give you a break." -Draco Dormiens
I will come back here and I will yank out your ribcage and wear it as a hat. Understood?" "Understood," said Harry, grinning despite himself. "And a big gold star for imagery." -Draco Dormiens
Does he looks like one of those idiot Muggles who likes to stockpile weaponry and hide out in
the mountains where the government can't find him? Yes.
"That which you are, we were; that which we are, you will be." -Roman Holiday (Inscription on a Crypt)
I'm A Rover
I'm a rover, seldom sober, I'm a rover of high degree
Though the night be as dark as dungeon, not a star can be seen above
I'm a rover, seldom sober, I'm a rover of high degree
He stepped up to her bedroom window, kneeling gently upon a stone
I'm a rover, seldom sober, I'm a rover of high degree
It's only me your own true lover, open the door and let me in
I'm a rover, seldom sober, I'm a rover of high degree
She opened the door with the greatest pleasure, she opened the door and she let him in
I'm a rover, seldom sober, I'm a rover of high degree
Says I: My love I must go and leave you, to climb the hills they are far above
I'm a rover, seldom sober, I'm a rover of high degree
and burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby,
everytime you come around
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
everytime you come around
We define our moral ground
But when I crawl into your arms
Everything comes tumbling down
and burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby,
everytime you come around
For you know the time is nigh
When I must remove your wings
And you must try to fly
and burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby,
everytime you come around
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
everytime you come around....
His house is in the village, though.
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer,
To stop without a farmhouse near.
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.'
Are you sure the power is off?
Don't be so superstitious.
Double dare me!
Help!
He's probably just hibernating.
Hey, watch this!
I can make this light before it changes.
I do.
I'll get a world record for this.
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
It's probably just a rash.
I've seen this done on TV.
I wonder where the mother bear is.
That's odd.
Thatt stuff only happens in the movies.
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
This doesn't taste right.
This planet has an atmosphere just like on Earth.
Well, we've made it this far.
What does this button do?
What duck?
What time does your husband come home?
I'm going to go over and kiss that cute tiger.
OH SH!T!
I think it's dead.
It's Only a little one.
It's not loaded.
Does this go any faster?
It's not that shallow.
The water will break my fall.
No Tony I don't have your money.
I wont tell anyone.
Bikers suck.
This is good shi...
I built it myself.
I don't need a helmet.
It's when I'm drinkin' I'm always thinkin' how to gain my love's company
I will be guided without a stumble, into the arms of my own true love
It's when I'm drinkin' I'm always thinkin' how to gain my love's company
He whispers through her bedroom window, my darling dear do you lie alone
It's when I'm drinkin' I'm always thinkin' how to gain my love's company
For I have come on a long nights journey and I'm near drenched to the skin
It's when I'm drinkin' I'm always thinkin' how to gain my love's company
They both shook hands and embraced each other, until the morning they lay as one
It's when I'm drinkin' I'm always thinkin' how to gain my love's company
But I will climb with the greatest pleasure, since I've been in the arms of my love
It's when I'm drinkin' I'm always thinkin' how to gain my love's company
This afternoon had now officially moved waaaaay beyond 'odd', and was turning left at the signpost marked 'Salvador Dalí'. -Roman Holiday
'Causa causaeest causa causati' – 'The cause of a cause is the cause of the thing caused.' -A Lily Story: The Alpha
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything....where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
"Clothes don't make the man," he said simply. "Oh, but they do," I countered. "Naked people have little or no influence on society." -Professor Lupin's Apprentice
"He tried to kill me once before," She said grimly. "It didn't take." -Sailing Dragon
"Remember -- that which does not kill us can only make us stronger." "And that which does kill us leaves us dead!" -Terry Pratchet
far too much blood in his caffeine system. -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
A teetotal Irishman is a dangerous thing. He may begin to think. Then he may take over the world. -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
Draco, who had remembered about Murphy by now and was employing his favourite world view of persistent pessimism, waited for more. -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
Oh, that just puts the tin lid on everything, that does. -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
'He who fights dirty survives, and gets to lie about the battles afterwards.' -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
It was a Malfoy motto, right after 'Loot, Pillage, Burn!' and 'In the Name of the Dark Lord Insert-Name-Here!' -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
Can wash, and wash, yet will never be clean. Or out of the tabloids. -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
who was smiling as if he'd just discovered Original Sin and was having great fun with it. -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
Mmm, shiny silver lining. -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
'Come on now, it's not that bad,' Draco said briskly. 'Chin up. Buck up. Shut up.' -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
From the purity of the Gryffindors, the idiocy of the Hufflepuffs and the general know-it-all attitude of the Ravenclaws, good Lord deliver us. Famous Slytherin prayer. -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
Draco's Veela-inherited Barometer o'Sexual Attraction was going off like anything. -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
"Malfoy, you are a crazed, lying, evil naked person," -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
Draco wished he could slam another door as he gave the letter to his eagle owl, Rover. (He had once heard, and rather fancied, the phrase 'Kill Rover kill!') -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
Harry Potter's conflicting selves were probably GoodHarry and NaughtyDesiresToOccasionallyTakeCookiesHarry. Draco had named his EvilDraco and CompleteBastardDraco. -Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing... Rat?
(On a gravestone)"Here lies an atheist, All dressed up and no place to go"-carrolyn rose
'If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.' -GeLishan
He was positive there had to be more to this baby thing than just a stork. His father had vaguely alluded to something about birds and bees, but Bill wasn't quite sure how they were involved with storks. His father had also mentioned girls being involved, but at the precocious age of eleven, Bill had a very poor opinion of girls, and wanted absolutely nothing to do with any of them, especially if he had to play with birds and bees with them. Birds would only crap on his head, and bees would only sting him. As if having to talk to a girl wasn't bad enough.-Hogwarts Revisited
"Nothing says goodbye like a bullet in the head."
The Thingites:
'Alte Amplius Absque Cogitatim'
Above, Beyond and Without Reason
"Bigger than the biggest hippopotamus in the whole zoo...." ~ Inkwash.
"Clothes don't make the man," he said simply.
"Oh, but they do," I countered. "Naked people have little or no influence on society." -Professor Lupin's Apprentice
"He tried to kill me once before," She said grimly. "It didn't take." -Sailing Dragon
Be glad I exist for there is no good without evil. -Cat Scratches and Cuts
You know where the word 'Mafia' comes from?" Smirk.
"Means 'my daughter' in Italian.
Some piece of filth did for a Sicilian girl
like Malfoy and his goons tried to with me
--- and her father got them back. Got them good." -Pawn to Queen
I used to have a life...then I got a computer and a modem and was introduced to Harry Potter.
"In a battle of wits, I refuse to fight an unarmed opponent." -carrolyn_rose
"Whatever it is that's eating you, it must be suffering horribly." -carrolyn_rose
It shouldn't have taken him as long as it did to figure out where Malfoy had put the book, but he wasn't used to having to decipher riddles from Malfoy. Usually all he needed to figure out after a discussion with the Slytherin was whether or not his mother, father, intelligence, looks, or friends had been insulted, or rather to what degree, as the insults were almost a certainty. -Beneath You
"This isn't the kind of man who ties you up in a cellar with just enough time for the mice to eat your ropes before the flood waters rise. This is the kind of man who just kills you here and now."-Pratchett
Acon song
I'm a little acorn round/ lying on the cold hard ground
someone came and stepped on me/ and that is why I'm cracked you see
I'm a nut! (clap clap) I'm a nut! (clap clap) I'm a nut I'm a nut I'm a nut (clap clap)
I called myself on the phone/ asked myself if I was home
aksed myself out on a date/ picked me up at half past 8
I'm a nut (clap clap) I'm a nut (clap clap) I'm a nut I'm a nut I'm a nut (clap clap)
took myself to a show/ sat myself in the very last row
put my arms around my waist/ got so fresh I smacked my face
I'm a nut (clap clap) I'm a nut (clap clap) I'm a nut I'm a nut I'm a nut (clap clap) ~As taught to me by Tesa-Chan
Would Mr. Malfoy be willing to accept external arm pressure for an extended quantity of time, from a humble admirer? -Draco's Delicate Condition
"The chance to be furry and have a tail? Do I need an excuse?" -Prongs Rides Again
"Damn, Greg, but I wish the wizarding world would get with the program and just go to decimalization like every other sane country."
Gregory Newland grinned at his friend. "Ah, but that would take the romance out of it, you know," he chaffed. "Just like what we used to have, with shillings and farthings and guineas and such. No nation dared invade us, because then they'd have to figure out our currency." -Still Time for Mischief, or Heroes Behaving Badly
| You Know You're From Washington DC When... |
| You say you're from DC, but you actually live in VA or MD but are too tired to explain where. You don't consider exploding man hole covers to be an unusual occurrence. You know where the Pentagon really is but never bother to correct anyone about its location. When it takes you 45 minutes to drive 3 miles on I-66, 95, 395, 495, 50, 123, 29, or 270, it's a pretty good day. There are at least fifteen ways to get everywhere and you know which way to go based on the weather, time of day, current political climate, terrorism road closures, and whether you are coming or going. You pay more money in parking tickets in a year than you do in medical bills, college costs and rent combined. You know that driving through Georgetown, you will hear the music of the car next to you louder than you can hear your own. "I got stuck behind a motorcade" is a common and real excuse for being late. "Finding a parking space" actually becomes an appointment on your calendar. (E.g.. 7:00-8:00 Gym, 8:30-9:00PM - find a parking space, 9:00-10:30PM - Dinner reservations.) You've never once been to Wal-Mart and don't even know if there is one. When you say you're going to the mall and you don't mean shopping. You never refer to the 'Metro' as the 'subway'. You elbow tourists out of the way on the Metro escalators to "gently" emind them to WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT. Going to work early means being there by 9:00AM. You don't bat an eye at 500 politicians and businessmen in suits running like their lives depended on it just to catch a Metro that will be followed by another in 90 seconds. You call it Targét, not Target, and are well aware that the one in Alexandria is just a "tad different". When Washington National Airport is and will always be "WASHINGTON NATIONAL", not "Reagan National". You can tell by people's cars where they live and maybe even what neighborhood. You've claimed that there's nothing to do on a weekend night even when you have the entire nation's capitol to explore. You have the Metro map memorized, yet act like you don't know when someone asks you how to get to Metro Center. You meet someone else who says they're from the DC area and you realize they live two hours away from you. You notice that there's been construction on the same stretch of highway for the past 5 years and you've never see anyone working on it. You know you've crossed into Northern Virginia, without ever seeing a sign, only because your speedometer goes from 60 to 0. You know that Vietnam is no longer in the South Pacific, it's now been re-located to Seven Corners. The few times you have gotten lost in DC you have somehow ALWAYS ended up in Anacostia and every road out somehow leads back to Anacostia. You realize that I-395 is Northern Virginia's version of NASCAR. There is no such thing as North, South, East, or West on the beltway, it's just go "that" way!(Inner circle / outer circle) You go anywhere on the Eastern Shore, Rehoboth, Dewey, Ocean City, Skyline Drive, or the Outer Banks for vacation and everyone you meet is from DC Snow means rain to you Ice on the roads just means that you pay more attention to other cars, but still go 75 mph on the highways You can see the national cathedral from almost anywhere You know at least 2 rowers You know that Georgetown is NOT only a school You consider Northern VA to be in no way similar to southern VA You know which bridges to cross to get to Maryland or VA You actually know goes on in Dupont circle You can't go to Tysons Mall without seeing someone you know!! You have a few friends who don't know what their parents do...It's Top Secret government work. People don't ask you if Chevy Chase is named after the actor. You can harmonize perfectly with the alert for "Doors Closing" on the Metro 50% of your senior class went to Mason, JMU, Tech, VCU or UVA You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from DC. |
| You Know You're Addicted to Harry Potter When... |
| You make a wand and try to use it. You call your least favorite teacher Snape. You call your favorite teacher Dumbledore. You wear robes to school or work. You make "floo powder", get in the fire, and try to go to your friends' house. You have read all the books more than four times. You've been bookstore at midnight to get the latest Harry Potter book before all your friends. ... And then you stayed up all night wearing it. You've worn a Harry Potter costume in public. You have a crush on one of the Harry Potter characters. You've gotten at least one of your friends addicted to Harry Potter. You actually caught the "Wand Order" mistake before you heard/read about it. You are upset at the New York Times for creating a seperate childrens best seller list because of the Harry Potter books. Using clues in the book, you have attempted to find the exact geographical location of Hogwarts. You have constructed a timeline of events in the Harry Potter books. You have attempted to figure out the exact ages of all the Weasley children? You have spent time contemplating which main characters will die by the time the series is over. You've been to see all the Harry Potter movies on opening night. (Bonus points for standing in line in costume!) You've read Harry Potter fanfic. You've written Harry Potter fanfic. You run a Harry Potter fansite. You visit The Leaky Cauldron daily. You've met other Harry Potter fans from online in real life. You've participated in a Harry Potter RPG. You've dreamed about Harry Potter. You have a Harry Potter poster on your wall. Each Halloween, there's no question what you'll dress up as...! You've spent time doing a timeline to see if you would have been old enough to date a certain character when you were in high school. You've vacationed to London, simply to search for the Leaky Cauldron. You own a black lab named Sirius Black. You've knitted a Weasley sweater or Harry Potter scarf. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Harry Potter. |