JC sighed and looked up at the man pacing across the living room in front of him. His eyes followed him from one side of the room and back. He could see the anger flashing in his eyes, the scowl on his beautiful lips. How long had it been since JC had seen him smile? He wasn’t sure, which, he knew, was not a good sign. Sighing again, he ran a hand through his mane of shaggy brown hair, pulling a few lose strands from in front of his eyes. Neither of them said anything for a few minutes. Finally, JC broke the silence.

“I can’t do this anymore Justin.” His conscious thoughts were referring to the current argument, but thinking about it for a moment, he realized that simple statement went a lot deeper into their relationship that just this argument. Justin stopped pacing and turned to glare at him.

“Good, because neither can I. In fact, I don’t want to do this anymore.” Suddenly his eyes softened and his tense body relaxed slightly. He stood still for a minute, and then slowly made his way over to JC. Kneeling down in front of him, he rested his hands on the older man’s knees. “What happened to us?”

JC shook his head, eyes dropping to the floor in defeat. “I’m not sure. I don’t know if I can even explain it.” He paused and felt Justin’s finger hook gently under his chin, pulling it up gently until their eyes met.

“Try, please?”

“I think,” JC paused before continuing. How could he explain this? How could he make Justin see that he did still love him? That he never wanted it to be like this? How could he show him that their entire relationship hadn’t been a waste of time? “I think somewhere along the line, what was important to everyone else started to become more important to us.” He paused again, trying to get the right words to come, trying to make Justin understand. “I think the more we tried to please everyone else, we forgot to keep pleasing each other.” He sighed and reached out, gently running his hand along Justin’s cheek, down to his jaw. “I think we fell into a routine and somewhere along the line, we stopped living for each other and instead just started living.” And saying that out loud, admitting that, not only to himself, but to Justin as well, was one of the hardest things he had ever had to face.

He remembered so very well a different time. A time when they had been blissfully happy and in love. He remembered when Justin was the absolute most important person in his life, when just the thought of seeing him made JC’s heart leap with joy. There were times when JC would just stop, even right in the middle of doing something, and just marvel in the fact that Justin was his and he was Justin’s. That they belonged to each other. He had wondered what he did to deserve Justin, because at times, he truly felt like Justin deserved so much better. But still, Justin had loved him with his entire being.

He remembered the way they use to touch and caresses. Always. Sitting on the couch, cuddled against each other, sitting in an interview, their shoulders touching slightly, walking down the street, every now and then their hands would bump and one of them would squeeze for the shortest of moments. And of course, laying in bed at night. They were both so gentle and caring, both wanting to please the other. JC couldn’t remember the last time they had made love. Lately, it was just sex. He couldn’t remember the last time they cuddled on the couch to simple watch TV. He couldn’t remember the last time he had kissed Justin just because he wanted to, not because it was expected, like a goodbye or hello kiss, or a goodnight kiss. Somewhere, everything had changed.

He still cared for Justin, always would, and he was still very important to JC, but things were different now, and to ignore that wouldn’t be fair to either of them anymore. It had already been ignored long enough.

“I still love you,” Justin said, dropping his head, but not before JC saw the look of defeat in his eyes.

“And I still love you. I think that’s why we’ve kept this going for so long, even though we both knew, deep down, that it was over a long time ago. It was never about love Justin. We’ve had that down for years, longer, probably, than either of us should have.”

“Then, if you still love me and I still love you, why is this happening?” JC sighed again and pulled Justin close, spreading his knees slightly so Justin could slip between them. He hugged him tightly for a second. Kissing the top of his blond curls, JC pulled back and wiped at his eyes. It was hard. He wasn’t going to lie to himself and say it wasn’t. He had thought, they had both thought, at one time, that they were soul mates, that they were destined to be together forever. “Jace, I can’t do this one my own. I don’t know how to live without you.” And JC knew it was true.

What they had went beyond lovers. They had been friends for ten years. A decade. JC could hardly remember a time in his life when Justin wasn’t a part of it. Most everything before that seemed almost inconsequential, almost a blur. He knew as well as Justin did that to go on without each other would be hard. Hell, it would be damn near impossible. They had come to depend on each other in every aspect of their lives. Personal and professional. It would be hard to get out of depending on another person so completely. But what they were doing to each other, tearing each other apart slowly, day by day, was even harder.

“I think,” JC said, letting Justin go. “I think that’s part of the problem Justin. We’ve come to depend on each other too much. There isn’t a Justin and there isn’t a JC anymore. It’s just Justin and JC. Always. I have no idea who I am without you. And I need to find out. We both do.”

Justin nodded mutely in understanding, defeat and despair in his eyes as he moved in to hug JC again. Holding each other close, their heartbeats beating as one, JC let a few tears slip out and fall softly onto the top of Justin’s head. He was giving up the love of his life. Was it worth it? Was it a mistake? Or was this really what needed to be done.

And the biggest question of all. Could he actually survive without Justin? He knew physically, yes. But the emotional side of his life was what he feared would be a problem. Not only was he losing his lover, but also his best friend. They both knew, without saying it out loud, that things would never be the same. They had gone too far to go back to a time when they were just friends. It would never work. This separation was full. And already painful. JC sighed and pulled away, cupping Justin’s cheeks in his hands, caressing the soft skin. Justin’s eyes burned into him. JC could remember a time when all he had to do was look in those eyes and he knew every thought and feeling running through Justin’s body. Lately, though, he hadn’t been paying attention. At least not as much as he use to.

But now, he saw it all, and for a brief moment they were connected completely. JC could see Justin’s soul through those bright blue windows, and he could read every emotion clearly. Sadness, despair, fear, and deep down, love. Leaning in, JC brushed his lips softly over Justin’s, savoring one of the last few kisses he would ever get from this man, then he pulled away and stood, running a hand softly over Justin’s head before he left the room.

*****

JC paced back and forth across the bedroom, grabbing the last of his things lying around. The rest of his possessions that were here had already been packed and loaded into his car. Justin leaned against the doorframe with hooded eyes, hands jammed into his pockets, watching him intently. Technically, this was Justin’s house. Although they had both shared both their houses for the past couple of years, this one in Orlando was under Justin’s name. He was heading back to his own house in California. It was going to be strange and cold to enter that house, with all those memories, knowing Justin wouldn’t be there to share it all with him ever again.

Almost as strange as leaving this house, with it’s own set of wonderful memories, behind.

They were both making this as painless as possible. It didn’t matter if JC had bought the couch. He already had one at his house in LA and Justin could keep it. It worked better in this house anyway. It didn’t matter that Justin had bought the large painting hanging in the dining room. JC loved that painting, always had. And Justin didn’t care that he was taking it with him. It didn’t matter that half of the DVD’s in their collection downstairs technically belonged to JC. He hadn’t grabbed any of them.

It wasn’t about what technically belong to who. They were both determined they weren’t going to fight over petty possessions. It didn’t matter.

The only pain in this was the breaking of both of their hearts.

Finally, when he was sure he had everything he dropped his bag on the bed and turned to Justin who shifted slightly, almost uncomfortably.

“Are you ok?” JC asked, his eyes meeting Justin’s. The pain and sadness he saw in those usually bright cobalt eyes took his breath away. But, he was sure the same emotions were visible in his own eyes.

“No,” Justin answered, trying to smile slightly. “But maybe someday I will be.” JC dropped his eyes. They both knew this was what needed to be done, but JC suddenly felt guilty. He wasn’t sure whose fault it was exactly that things had changed. He wasn’t even sure it was either of their faults, really. In fact, he didn’t even know when it had all started to fall apart. But maybe if he had paid more attention, maybe if he had tried a little harder, things would be different.

Justin’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “I just. God Jace, I’ve never given up on anything in my life and I feel that if I let you walk out that door, that I’m just giving up.” JC tried to interrupt, but Justin cut him off, placing two fingers lightly over his lips. “I know this is what needs to be done. I know it’s ‘for the best’ but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to feel guilty for letting you just walk away without trying to fight for you. For us.” He paused and JC noticed his eyes were damp, tear drops threatening to escape and fall silently down his cheeks. “It doesn’t mean I still don’t love you and that this doesn’t hurt like hell.” His voice was nothing but a whisper and a sudden, unexpected sob escaped his throat. JC’s heart clenched and he felt it breaking into a million shattered pieces. Grabbing Justin’s shoulders lightly, he pulled the younger man close, wrapping his arms around him tightly.

The tears in Justin’s eyes finally spilled over, falling onto the shoulder of JC’s shirt. JC wasn’t sure how long the two of them stood there, clinging to one another, neither wanting to be the first to let go. It was their last hug and neither truly wanted the finality of what was to happen after the hug ended.

Finally Justin pulled away, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He smiled sadly at JC. Then he turned and grabbed a CD case off the dresser behind him, holding it out for JC. The case was blank and upon opening it, JC saw there was no writing on the label either. He turned curious eyes up to meet Justin’s.

“What’s this?”

“For you. Listen to it when you’re alone. I love you Josh.”

JC pulled him close one last time, softly brushing his lips over Justin’s. It was probably the sweetest kiss they had ever shared, yet it was going to be their last. The bittersweet irony was not lost on JC. Sighing, he pulled away, picked up his last bag, glanced one last time at Justin, whispering a quick ‘I love you,’ and turned, walking out the bedroom door for the last time.

*****

A week later, JC finally got up the nerve to listen to the CD Justin had handed him as a final goodbye. He had toyed with it, twirled the case around in his hand, and absently slapped it gently against his thigh often in the past week, but he never had the courage to actually listen to it.

Slipping it in the CD player, a slow melody started, filling the room around him. After a short intro, Justin’s voice rang out, loud and clear, around the room and JC’s breath got caught in his throat.

If I ever write
The story of my life
Don’t be surprised if you’re where it begins
I’d have to dedicated
Every line on every page
To the memories we made while you loved me

I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived
Oh how I lived
While you loved me

I’d start with chapter one
Love innocent and young
As a morning sun on a new day
Even though I know the end
Well I’d do it all again
Cause I got a lifetime in while you loved me

I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived
Oh how I lived
While you loved me

And finally, after an entire week, JC let himself cry. A few tears had come here and there, but the breakdown, outright sobbing had not. He had stopped it every time he felt it closing in on him. And now, with Justin’s voice, and the sweet melody of the song, and every memory he had of Justin all rushing his brain at once, the pain overtook. His shoulders shook and thick sobs were muffled into the pillow he rested his head on. The thick tears slid from his eyes in a never-ending stream.

His heart broke all over again, and he knew this would hardly be the last time.

The pain overtook, and he finally let it.

Read the sequal Chosen Path