Four years.

It had been four long years since the last time he had seen Justin. Sure, he saw him pretty often on TV, and in practically every magazine he opened. But it had been four years since he had actually seen him face to face.

With the end of Nsync, the two had mutually, and silently, agreed to separate. After the breakup, their breakup, still being around him had been torture. Plain and simple. They had survived it, civilly and friendly, but there was definitely a distance. Then, when Nsync had ended, they had each gone their separate ways. Both knew it was going to happen. There was no way for it to not. It was too painful to be around each other, knowing things could have possibly been different, knowing things would never be the same.

They weren’t the cause of the ending of Nsync. In fact, the two had maintained a very professional relationship during the duration. They didn’t fight. Of course, it hadn’t been a messy break up, just painful. They both kept their distance though. And then, slowly, a year after the two of them ended it, they all decided, as a group, it was time to be done. They were going out on top and still the best of friends. With the two of them being the exception.

They both still kept in touch with Chris, Joey, and Lance so if they ever wanted or needed an update, it wouldn’t be hard to come by. But for the most part, JC had avoided the topic of Justin at most costs with the other three men. They understood and never pushed.

And now, four long years later, JC sat with his cell phone in his hand, contemplating. He had been in the same position for close to an hour, his fingers poised over the numbers, but his brain was on overload. Every memory he and Justin had shared came rushing back in. And this time, he let them.

To say he didn’t still love the man would be a lie. It wasn’t that he hadn’t tried to move on, but no one compared. No one even came close.

Finally, with a deep sigh, he punched in the numbers on the paper sitting in front of him. It rang three times before a deep voice answered with a friendly hello.

“Dre?” JC’s voice shook slightly and he cleared his throat quickly to get it under control.

“Yes. Who’s this?”

“It’s JC.”

“Hey man! Long time. How the hell are you?”

“I’m good. Look, are you around Justin right now?” JC hoped with all his heart that the answer would be a no. He needed to talk to Dre privately, without Justin knowing he was calling.

“He’s actually doing an interview right now, so not right by him, why? What’s up?”

“Look, just please don’t tell him that you’re talking to me, or that you did talk to me after we hang up. But I need a favor.”

“Are you ok Jace?” Worry was evident in his voice. JC had to smile. Dre hadn’t changed a bit. He had always been Justin’s bodyguard, way back from the very beginning. And he was always very protective of Justin, always. But he had loved the other guys too, and would have done anything for anyone of them. That loyalty had just increased for JC when he and Justin had gotten together. JC sometimes wondered if Justin told Dre to keep and extra eye on him as well. But either way, Dre had been very protective. It was nice to know, years later, that things hadn’t changed between them.

“I’m fine. I just need you to do something for me.”

“You know I’d do anything for any of you guys,” Dre said fondly. “Name it.” JC sighed. Here it was, moment of truth. If he asked and went through with his request, there was no turning back. Dre would be looking for him, and would be upset if he never showed.

“I need you to get me a private box for the upcoming show in LA.” There, he’d said it. It was out and there was no taking it back now. There was silence on the other end of the phone and he wasn’t sure what Dre was thinking. Then finally, he heard Dre’s whispered reply.

“Consider it done.” JC breathed a sigh of relief. “I need to ask though. Why?” JC had expected this much. He knew Dre wouldn’t refuse to do this for him if he pleaded the fifth, but he felt he owed it to his old friend.

“That day would have been our seventh anniversary, had we stayed together. I just need to see him, in person. But I don’t want him to know I’m there.” JC paused and sighed again. “I can’t forget him Dre, no matter how hard I try. It’s all still right there, in my heart.”

“Don’t worry about it JC. I’ll take care of everything. And I won’t tell him. But just know this, he never forgot you either. I can see it in his eyes every time you’re mentioned. Although he rarely talks about it, he still feels the same too.” JC thanked him and hung up the phone, Dre’s words still running through his mind. He still feels the same too. He wasn’t sure if that was something he wanted to know or not. He wasn’t sure if that made it easier or not.

*****

JC sat in the box by himself and glanced warily at the stage. It was still awhile before show time, but he had arrived early, in hopes of making it through the crowd without being recognized. He had succeeded and was now sitting there, wondering if he should really be here at all. He wasn’t sure how he was going to react to seeing Justin for the first time in four years, knowing he still felt how he did. A soft knock on the door interrupted his thoughts and he turned just as Dre peaked his head in the room, a grin lighting up his face.

Moving swiftly across the room, JC embraced the large man in a tight hug.

“It’s been way too long,” he said, pulling back to look up at Dre.

“You’re telling me. You look good C. Justin would be rendered speechless.”

“He doesn’t know I’m here, does he?” JC asked nervously.

“No, he had no idea. But I just had to stop by and say hi.”

He could only stay for a few minutes, needing to get backstage again, but before he left, Dre made JC promise not to be a stranger for so long anymore. Smiling fondly as Dre left the room, JC took a seat in front of the glass again, his eyes roaming over the stage.

Not five minutes later, a sharp knock sounded and the door was once again opened.

“I thought you had to get backstage,” JC started, turning around with a smile on his face. The smile faded when he saw it wasn’t Dre standing there, but instead, Lynn Harliss herself. “I, um, Lynn.” He was stuttering and he knew it, but couldn’t seem to make himself stop. He hadn’t seen Lynn in longer than he hadn’t seen Justin. At one time, she was like a second mother to him. Back when Nsync first started, and she was the only parental figure they had over in Europe, he use to go to her for reassurance when life became too much to handle. She loved him like a son, always had. When Justin and JC got together, she had been the first person they told. Justin was close to his mother and didn’t want to hide it from her. JC understood, and knew that Lynn would be understanding. She had known for close to six months before they told anyone else, including his parents and the guys.

She had been accepting, and so very happy for them. One time, soon after they told her, she had caught JC alone and told him if she had been able to decide who Justin was going to be with for the rest of his life, she would have chosen JC in a heartbeat. The love she had for him seemed to grow even stronger than the already unmistakable bond they shared.

Now, with her standing before him, he wasn’t sure what her feelings were, after everything that had happened. And if he was completely honest with himself, he was terrified.

“Joshua Chasez,” she started. And JC swallowed, hard. “It has been way too long. Don’t I get a hug?” A smile lit up her face and she held out her arms. He relaxed visibly and moved toward her.

“How did you know I was here?” JC asked, pulling her small frame close to him, hugging her tightly.

“I saw Dre sneaking off. It just seemed sort of off to me so when he got back, I talked him into telling me. Don’t be mad at him. He’s never been able to say no to me.”

“You, um, you didn’t tell Justin I was here, did you?”

“No sweetie. Dre told me you didn’t want him to know. It will be our little secret.” She reached up and ran a hand lightly along his cheek. “It’s been way too long Josh. How come you never called me?”

JC’s eyes drifted to the ground. “I wasn’t sure you wanted anything to do with me, after, well, you know. I guess I figured you’d blame me for breaking your son’s heart.” He shrugged slightly.

“Josh.” Her voice wasn’t stern, or angry, but commanded attention. He looked up and met her eyes. “Honey, what happened between you and Justin was very sad. But neither of you was to blame. And you were almost as close to me as my own son. There was no way I could blame you for anything and not ever want to talk to you again. Somewhere along the road of life, you became another son to me. And with that, comes unconditional love. It’s still there, and always will be, no matter what happens between you and Justin.” JC smiled weakly as she pulled him into another hug.

“Thank you, Lynn.”

“Don’t thank me. But know this. If you ever disappear from my life for five years again, without so much as a phone call every once in a while, I will find you and personally kick your scrawny little ass.” JC laughed. She smiled at him and ran a hand along his cheek again. “I worry about you sweetie. I always will. It’s a mother’s curse.”

“I just can’t believe you don’t hate me. I mean, you and Justin are so close, always have been. I guess I just figured that once we broke up, you’d resent me.”

“It wasn’t your fault Josh. Things happen, sometimes things that can’t be helped or worked through, no matter how much love is there. Trust me, I know from personal experience. I’ve never doubted that you loved Justin with all your heart, and I’m sure you still do, at least on some level. I could never resent love. Beside, Justin never resented or hated you, so why should I?”

“He didn’t?” JC looked down at her, the apparent shock written on his face.

“Did you ever resent or hate him?” she countered. JC shook his head forcefully.

“Of course not. I loved him too much, still do.”

“Then why do you think it’d be any different for him?” She smiled knowingly. “You two had things between you that couldn’t be resolved at that point in your life. There weren’t any hateful feelings involved. He was very sad, yes. And more than frustrated. But it wasn’t at you. It was at the fact that, for once in his life, there was nothing he could do to fix what was wrong. He had to admit defeat and that’s not something Justin is use to.”

“I thought we had forever, Lynn. Then somewhere along the line, things just changed. But I never stopped loving him.”

“He never stopped loving you either, sweetie. And he’d be thrilled to know you were here. It’s up to you, but if you’d like to see him, or even send him a note, I’d be more than happy to help.”

“I don’t think I can. I still feel so much for him. And I don’t want him distracted before the show, or worried during it, knowing I’m here watching.” Lynn took JC’s hand and slipped something in it. It felt like a credit card.

“It’s up to you, Josh. I won’t say a word, but you make whatever decision you feel is necessary.” She kissed his cheek lightly and turned to leave. “Just know he still loves you, and that he misses you just as much now as he did way back then.” Once the door had shut behind her, JC opened his hand and glanced down at the contents Lynn had placed in them. A key for a hotel door. Justin’s hotel door. With a room number and hotel name written on a piece of paper. Could he do it? Could he stand face to face with Justin again? Did he even want to try? Yes, he still loved the man, but would Justin really feel the same? Would he even want to try to make things work between them again? And even if he did, would everything end up like it had last time? JC wasn’t sure he could handle that again. Question upon question swirled through his mind, but he didn’t have an answer to a single one of them.

*****

JC took a deep breath and stepped off the elevator, glancing up and down the deserted hallway. Justin’s concert had been amazing. But JC had never had any doubt that it would be. Justin was a born performer. He thrived off of it. He just had this presence on stage that almost demanded attention. And he knew just how to work a crowd.

Before he was even aware of it, he was standing in front of Justin’s door, key card in hand. He took a deep breath. Was this really what he should be doing? Or should he just let it go, move on, let Justin move on? No, he needed to talk to him. If for nothing more, than to tell him how wonderful he’d been tonight. And how he would always be someone very special to JC. If for nothing more, he needed to talk to him for some closure he’d never truly gotten years ago. But he couldn’t just use the key. He’d given up the right to just let himself into Justin’s private life the day he’d said they needed to let each other go. And just opening the door and letting himself in would be stepping over the boundaries now set between them.

So instead, he lifted a fist and after only a moment’s hesitation, he knocked twice. The door was flung open moments later.

“Trace, I said...” but Justin’s words were cut off as he saw JC standing before him. Justin shut his mouth quickly, only to open it again. But nothing came out and instead he just stood there, mouth parted, eyes wide and questioning. “Josh?” And then, before JC could answer, Justin pulled him into his arms, wrapping them around his back, pulling him tightly against his chest. JC returned the hug, holding tightly onto Justin as a sigh of relief brushed past his lips.

When they finally pulled back, Justin let curious blue eyes roam over JC’s face.

“You look good, Josh. What are you doing here?”

“I went to the show tonight. You were good, J. Really good.”

“You want to come in?” Justin stepped out of the doorway, allowing JC room to enter. JC smiled and stepped inside the large suite, taking a deep, shaky breath. “Have a seat. You want something to drink?”

“Justin, you don’t have to wait on me.” Justin paused on his way to the mini bar, turning to look back at JC. “I just came because, well, I wanted to congratulate you for tonight. And maybe to talk.”

“Talk?” Justin stepped closer to the couch JC was sitting on.

“Yeah, talk. We use to be friends, J. Best friends. We use to talk about everything. And then well...” JC trailed off, but Justin knew exactly what he was talking about. “Anyway, I figured we could catch up, or something.” Justin sat down on in the chair across from him, eyes trained steadily on JC. “But why now, Josh? Why after all this time?”

“Well, you were in town tonight. And I don’t know if you know what today...”

“Seven years,” Justin mumbled, cutting JC off. “Seven years today. Trust me, I remember. I don’t think I could forget if I tried.” He smiled sheepishly, eyes glancing away from JC and toward the window for a moment. “Actually, I planned the first LA show for today on purpose. I guess I’d hoped you’d remember and come. I thought it was just wishful thinking and I was psyching myself up to be disappointed all day.” His eyes turned to meet JC’s again. “But you’re here.”

“I’m here,” JC nodded, sliding off the couch to kneel in front of Justin. “You were special to me, Justin. Still are. Please don’t ever think that you aren’t. And I miss you. I miss what we use to have, what we shared.” JC raised a shaky hand, running two fingers lightly along Justin’s cheek. Justin leaned into the touch, eyes closing for a moment.

“Which part do you miss?” It was barely a whisper but JC heard it. Justin let his eyes open again, his gaze steady with JC’s, searching JC’s eyes for the truth. “Do you just miss the friendship? Or do you miss the love we shared, the way we felt about each other?”

“I miss you, Justin. And everything that comes with it. The friendship, the love, the deep feelings that I’ve never been able to shake. Never really wanted to. I miss your laugh, and your smile. I miss hearing your voice, loud and clear when you’re excited about something, soft and gentle when you whispered loving words to me late at night. I miss your touch, and your kisses, and the way you made me feel. I miss everything about you.”

“I miss you too, Josh. Have since the moment you walked out of the door, out of my life. But what if it happens all over again? What if we try this again and it all just ends up the same?”

“It won’t.” JC was adamant.

“How can you be so sure?”

“The biggest mistake we made last time was losing sight of what was important to us, to each other. We lost sight of making the other feel good, feel special. We stopped living for each other. It’s not a mistake I’m willing to make again. And what if this is it, Justin? What if we’re meant to be together but we’re both too afraid of losing each other again to try?” Justin leaned forward, letting his fingers dance over JC’s shoulder.

“I’m scared, Josh. I still love you, so much. It’s been so hard. I don’t think I’d be able to do it again if things ended up the same.” He looked up, meeting JC’s again. “I want you, so much. But can we take it slow? Work on getting to know each other again before we just jump back to what we had before?” JC nodded and slid closer to Justin, resting between is spread legs.

“Can I kiss you?” Justin smiled and leaned closer to JC.

“I’d kick your ass if you didn’t.” Their lips touched, softly, tenderly. It was slow, relearning. JC sighed against Justin’s lips. Memories and emotions he hadn’t felt in years were flowing through his body, hitting every single nerve ending, flashing behind his eyes. He felt Justin’s tongue against his bottom lip, licking lightly, asking for entrance. And JC was more than happy to comply. He’d give this man anything he asked for.

As Justin’s hands slipped into JC’s hair, holding his head, deepening the kiss, JC sent a silent pray for the second chance they were receiving. He had no plans of making the same mistakes this time as they had last time. And he knew, deep inside, that this was right. That this was their chosen path. That Justin was his forever.