JC leaned against the tree, half hidden by it’s branches, watching Justin across the lawns. He was sitting where he always sat, camera in his hand. But he wasn’t taking any pictures, hadn’t taken a single one in the fifteen minutes JC had been watching him. He kept glancing around, as if he was looking for someone, but it was too much for JC to hope that it was him Justin was looking for.
He’d been debating with himself for the better part of the day if he was going to meet with Justin or not. It was their usual time to meet, and he wanted to, he really did. But he was afraid of how Justin would react after everything that had happened last time. Would Justin be mad because he’d walked away? Would Justin not want to talk to him anymore because he’d lied about having a boyfriend?
But he wanted nothing more than to talk to Justin again, and to keep talking to him, for as long as he could. He’d come to cherish their time together, the conversations they shared. He’d become comfortable around Justin, and it took a lot for him to be comfortable in front of anyone. He knew he didn’t deserve someone like Justin, but he still let the fantasies run through his mind. He let himself imagine what it might be like if he and Justin were together, sharing their lives. He let himself imagine that Justin loved him, and showed him that every day. It was only a fantasy because he knew there was no way someone like Justin could love someone like him, but he still held the time they spent together close to his heart, savoring it, keeping the memories locked away deep inside.
Finally, taking a deep breath, he stepped out from under the tree and started to make his way slowly across the green grass and up the slope Justin was sitting on. Justin saw him almost immediately and stood, walking halfway to meet him. JC stopped, unsure how Justin was going to react, but stood there, waiting for Justin to make the first move.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d come back. I thought I’d scared you off last week.”
“I thought you’d be angry with me for leaving, and for keeping something from you.”
“I’m not angry, JC. I’m just glad you came back. I like spending time with you.” JC let a brief smile slid across his lips. But it was gone momentarily, and Justin saw it, called him on it. He trusted Justin. He wasn’t sure why, but he did. Trust was a hard thing for him, but in Justin he’d found someone that he could let inside. And he wanted to tell him the truth. He’d never told anyone the truth before, never even thought about telling anyone, but he wanted Justin to know.
“Is there somewhere we can go, somewhere private? I have, well, if you’re willing to listen, I have something I want to tell you.” JC glanced down at the ground, awaiting the rejection, awaiting the words to come out of Justin’s mouth, the words that said he didn’t care, the words that said he didn’t want to hear what JC had to say. But they never came. Instead, Justin told him that he had an apartment not far from campus and that they could go there.
Momentary doubts flashed through his head. He would be alone with Justin, in Justin’s home. Anything could happen. But the doubts were washed away quickly. He really did trust Justin and he knew, somehow, that Justin wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. Neither of them said anything as they cut across campus, walked down a few blocks, and entered an old but well kept brick building.
They were quiet until Justin unlocked his door and let JC inside, offering him a seat on the couch. Justin sat down next to him, leg pulled up, facing him. He was giving JC his full, undivided attention and JC had to swallow the nerves down. This was harder than he thought it would be. He started talking more than once, only to cut off quickly. He knew what he wanted to say, knew what he needed to say. But the words just wouldn’t come. So finally, taking a deep breath, he reached for the bottom of his shirt and wrapped his hands around the hem, lifting until it reached his neck. He heard the gasp that escaped Justin’s mouth but couldn’t meet his eyes.
The bruises ran all up and down his torso and side, and even his back if he turned around. He knew what each and every one of them looked like from memory. Most of them were faded to a dull yellow, mere reminders of the things he’d had to endure at the hands of the man who claimed to love him. But some of them were fresh. Dark purples and deep blues, littered across his stomach, marring the smooth skin. Justin sat motionless in front of him and when JC finally raised his head to meet Justin’s eyes, he saw anger buried deep in the usually bright blue depths. Justin was mad, mad at JC for showing him, mad at JC for allowing this to happen.
“Did he do this to you? Your boyfriend?” And it was only then that he realized the anger wasn’t directed at him, but instead at the person who had done this to him. A person Justin had never even met. But the anger was so thick, so deep, that JC shivered slightly. All he could manage was a slight nod in response. He saw Justin’s hand coming toward him slowly and shrank back into the couch slightly, caught off guard. Justin paused for a moment but then kept on, his hand inching closer until he was touching JC’s warm skin.
JC felt soft fingertips run across his stomach, stopping and lightly caressing each and every bruise littered along his skin. The touch was gentle and light, a caress filled with more than JC’d ever felt before. It was the touch he’d craved all of his life. A touch of love, of tenderness. And before he knew what he was doing, JC was leaning into the touch, letting Justin’s fingertips sooth him. Their eyes met and something passed between them, something JC had never felt before, something he couldn’t even name. But it was stronger than anything he’d ever felt before.
And then just as slowly as Justin’s hand had come toward his skin, JC saw Justin lower his head until he felt soft, warm lips press against his stomach, kissing away all of the pain, all of the hurt he’d had to endure over the years. Just that quickly it was gone. He knew that as long as he had Justin with him, he’d never hurt like he had before.
He raised a tentative hand, resting it on top of Justin’s head as Justin’s lips continued to caress his bruises, kissing and licking softly. And wrapped up in the warmth that Justin provided, a warmth that ran through his stomach and chest for the first time in years, the words came.
“I met him six years ago. My parents never liked him, told me there was just something about him that didn’t seem right. I ended up leaving home after a huge fight with them. I moved away from my family to be with Ethan. And although he was never very tender or loving, never into affection, he wasn’t a bad guy, not at the time.” Justin pulled back, sitting back up, eyes trained once again on JC’s face.
“Then one day, everything changed. I made him mad and he lashed out, smacked me across the face. That was the beginning of it. I was so shocked that I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t even move. He stormed out and came back later, apologizing. My first mistake was forgiving him. My next mistakes were forgiving him over and over.” Justin moved closer, resting a comforting hand on JC’s knee, caressing softly, his thumb drawing warm circles over the denim.
“He became a different man then the one I’d fallen in love with. He was angry and mean. He put me down all the time, told me I wasn’t good enough, told me no one else would want me so I should be greatful for what I had with him. You can only hear something so much before you start believing it. And I did believe it, for a long long time.” JC paused and looked up, meeting Justin’s eyes. “But then you came into my life and I started to believe something different. You made me start believing in myself again. The doubts he’s planted are still there. They’re too deep to just let go that easily. But you make me feel things, things about myself, that I thought were lost forever.”
Justin moved slowly, wrapping an arm around JC, pulling him close into a warm embrace. JC relaxed against his chest, arms tentatively wrapping around Justin’s waist, listening to Justin’s heartbeat. It had felt good to get that all out and Justin’s reaction had been more than he’d hoped for. Justin’s lips pressed softly against the top of his head, whispered words reaching his ears.
“You are worth so much more than that. You’re an incredible man that I’ve fallen for. Fallen hard for. The passion that burns in you is amazing and you deserve all the love in the world. Ethan’s an idiot for taking that all for granted, for taking you for granted. He willingly hurts you, and I don’t get how anyone could hurt you. Just know that I’ll never willingly hurt you.” The tears reached JC’s eyes before he could stop them, and although it wasn’t even close to the first time he’d cried recently, these tears were different. This amazing man had seen something in him, something he’d given up on in himself a long time ago. But Justin saw it, and that made all the difference. Justin pulled back slightly, and JC reluctantly let go, but Justin didn’t pull away completely. “Can I kiss you, JC?”
His nod was the only response he gave, but there was no hesitation behind it. And Justin’s lips were on his in a heartbeat, sliding against his own, pulling his bottom lip between the comfort of Justin’s own. JC moaned slightly, feelings he never through he’d feel again rising up inside his chest and his mouth opened to let the sound out. Justin’s tongue swept inside, embracing his own, sliding tenderly around his mouth, healing his soul little by little. And JC surrendered to the kiss, surrendered to Justin. Allowed Justin’s warmth to wrap around him, hold him close, and protect him.
*****
JC was lost in the story unfolding in front of him. He’d read it many times, and it was obvious by looking at the book. It was torn and tattered, but it was his favorite and he’d never be able to read it enough. He was so caught up in it that he didn’t feel Justin sit down next to him, missed the soft look and gentle smile sent his way. He wasn’t even aware Justin was next to him until he felt soft fingertips brush his cheeks, catching him off guard. He jumped slightly but then smiled up at Justin.
“What are you reading?”
“Catcher In The Rye,” JC said, holding the book up to show him. “It’s my favorite.”
“That’s what you were reading the first day I ever saw you,” Justin said, a smile grazing his lips as he leaned in to press a soft kiss to JC’s temple.
“One of the reasons it’s my favorite,” JC told him, marking his page and setting the book aside as he leaned into Justin. “You done with your paper?” Justin nodded absently, fingers running through JC’s soft curls. They still had a little over an hour before either of them had to be back for class and JC was more than happy to set the book aside for time with Justin. It didn’t come often enough as it was, so he was more than willing to take each and every moment he was offered.
Three months ago, if someone had told him that he’d be happy, that he’d be in love, he wouldn’t have believed them. But now, sitting here resting against Justin, he knew that there was nowhere else he’d rather be. Three months ago, he’d been a broken man, living in fear each and every day of his life. Three months ago he had nothing to look forward to and had, on more than one occasion, thought about ending it all. But three months ago, he’d opened up his soul and let Justin inside. He’d trusted Justin with his heart, and he hadn’t been let down. Justin was more than he could have ever hoped for, more than he was sure he deserved, although whenever that statement came out of his mouth, Justin just kissed him to shut him up, reassuring him that he deserved so much more.
Justin was tender and affectionate, and, for reasons beyond JC’s comprehension, loved JC with all of his heart. Whispered words and soft touches showed JC this. His time spent with Justin was well worth the pain he had to endure when he went home. Ethan was still clueless about everything that he had with Justin, and although the fear was there of what might happen if Ethan found out, it wasn’t a strong enough fear to make him turn away from any of it.
Justin couldn’t understand why JC was still with Ethan when he was more than willing to help JC get away. But JC had his reasons. He feared for what Ethan might do to him if JC ever tried to leave, but more importantly he feared for what Ethan might do to Justin. And he’d never let anything happen to Justin. Never. He knew more than anyone what Ethan was capable of and he was sure he didn’t even know the full extent of it. So he snuck around, spending time in between classes with Justin. There were a few rare times when Ethan hadn’t been home and Justin had come to their house, but JC knew how much that affected Justin, knew how much anger Justin held for the man who hurt JC, so they usually tried to stay away from his home. He knew Justin wasn’t happy with the situation, knew Justin feared for his safety. Every time they saw each other again, a look of relief would pass across Justin’s face as he took JC into his arms, kissing him softly. Each time they were together, Justin would kiss all of JC’s bruises, murmuring quiet words, full of love, against the bruised skin. They were quiet enough that most of the time, JC couldn’t hear what he was saying, but every now and then he’d catch a few of the words. Words like so scared, love you, and never hurt you were things he’d managed to pick out.
He loved Justin with all of his heart, and had become a different person with Justin around. He was more confidant, and willing to share anything with Justin, something he’d never done with Ethan. But the doubts were still there as well. The self-doubts Ethan had planted into his head for years still surfaced, even around Justin occasionally. Justin would know, without anything being said, the doubts JC was having, and would kiss them all away. But then JC would go home and the doubts and the harsh words and the anger would all come crashing back down around him again with just the sound of Ethan’s voice, with the pain from his fist. The only thing that made it bareable now, the only thing that made it worth taking another breath was thoughts of Justin. When things got bad, JC would let his mind wander to Justin, to the soft caresses and sweet kisses. And then, before he was even aware of it, it was all over and Ethan was heading off to bed. With the memories of the things he and Justin shared, the feelings deep inside, none of it seemed as bad as it had before.
But now, sitting here pressed against Justin’s chest, Ethan wasn’t on his mind at all. Ethan was never on his mind when he allowed Justin to wrap him up in his warm embrace.
“I wish I could be here with you all the time,” JC said, letting his fingers trail over Justin’s covered chest.
“You could be,” Justin whispered, lips hovering over his ear.
“You know I can’t. As much as I’d like to be, I can’t. Not yet. Someday but not now. Please understand.” He was terrified of Ethan, and as much as he’d like to be away from him, he didn’t have the courage, even with Justin standing beside him, to stand up to the man that made his life a living hell for years.
“I can’t understand. I don’t get it. I know you’re scared, Jace. I know you’re terrified of that man. I’ve seen it in your eyes, in the way your body trembles, even from the first time I met you. But I’d be right by your side. I’d be there for you.” JC started to interrupt him, but Justin raised his hand, resting a finger lightly over JC’s lips. “I may not get it, but I respect your decision. I don’t like it, and I don’t have to because I love you and I hate seeing you hurt, but I respect it.” Warm lips met JC’s, erasing all thought of Ethan from his mind once again.
When Justin finally pulled back, the two of them sat there quietly for a few moments, just enjoying being with each other. Justin’s fingers trailed up and down JC’s stomach, fingertips gliding over the bruises littered there. But it wasn’t painful. Instead, JC felt a warmth spread through his chest at the tenderness Justin used on him.
*****
A soft click and whir woke JC up and he blinked quickly a few times before his eyes focused on Justin, standing by the edge of the bed, camera up to his face, snapping pictures. JC resisted the urge to burry himself under the covers and instead sent a sleepy smile toward the camera.
Justin had this thing about photographing him and did it at the most random times. While he was eating, while he was sitting on the couch reading a book, while he was sprawled across the floor watching TV, while they were walking across campus. At first, JC had shied away from the camera, ducking his head and protesting slightly. He felt self-conscious and didn’t understand why Justin wanted his picture all the time. When he’d finally asked Justin, Justin’s response had been a soft smile, the words ‘because you’re beautiful’ whispered in his ear, and a quick press of lips to his cheek. After that, he’d allowed Justin to take his picture with a little less reserve.
Justin made him feel beautiful in a way Ethan never had. Justin made him feel like there was truly something special about him, like he was really worth having his picture taken. Justin made him feel like he really did deserve the love they shared.
Lying here now, where he’d fallen asleep on Justin’s bed just a little over an hour ago, he opened his arms, silently calling Justin back to him. Justin turned, setting the camera on the dresser across from the bed, pressing a few buttons, and hurried back to the bed, slipping into JC’s open, waiting arms. And then, with Justin hovered over him, arms wrapped around his back and under his body, the two of them looking at each other, the love they felt shinning in their eyes, JC saw the flash of the camera as the timer went off.
Later, Justin gave him a copy of that picture, and it made his heart soar every time he looked at it. It was so evident that he was happy, that they both were. What they felt for each other was expressed so clearly in every single feature. He cherished that picture, hidden between the pages of one of his textbooks, a place he knew Ethan would never look.
*****
JC tried to figure out what Ethan was yelling about, but there was no particular point to it. He’d come in the house ten minutes ago, mad about something, and had immediately started yelling. The things coming out of his mouth were so random and on complete opposite sides of the spectrum that JC was having trouble keeping up.
Not that he was trying very hard. Instead, his mind drifted to thoughts of Justin. That’s how it always was these days. Whenever Ethan got angry and started yelling or hitting, JC would let his mind wander to Justin and he missed most of the anger, most of the pain. Ethan never particularly paid attention. As long as he had someone to yell at, someone to use as a punching bag, he was happy.
JC had tried, a long time ago, to figure out what it was exactly that made Ethan so angry, in hopes of possibly changing it, but he’d come up empty every time. There was nothing he could pinpoint that brought out the anger in Ethan. It didn’t matter how clean the house was, how pliant JC was, nothing made any difference. So JC had stop trying to figure it out. What was the point? At the time, he’d simply given up. Given up on Ethan, and given up on himself. But now, with Justin by his side, Ethan was the only thing he was giving up on. Justin had helped him stop giving up on himself and instead start living again. He owed a lot to Justin.
His own thoughts were interrupted by a punch from Ethan. His mind quickly zoomed back in on the man in front of him. Apparently, Ethan had finally noticed that JC wasn’t really paying attention to him. And he wasn’t happy about it.
“You got something more important to do right now?” Ethan asked, voice dangerously low, face mere inches from JC’s own as he leaned over him on the couch, arms pinned on either side so JC couldn’t get away. “There something else you’d rather be doing?” The venom in his voice wasn’t new, but it still made JC cringe and he quickly averted his gaze. It was best to keep quiet. He’d learned that the hard way, by saying the wrong thing one too many times. But this time, Ethan seemed to want an answer and got his point across by another punch to JC’s side.
The air left JC’s lungs and he struggled against the pain for a few moments, eyes watering, breath coming in short gasps.
“Answer me, bitch. I said, do you have something else you’d rather be doing?” Dark eyes flashed with anger and all JC could manage was a shake of his head. Ethan pulled away quickly, storming angrily around the room, voice rising with each step he took. JC decided maybe now was a good time to pay attention and forced his mind from wandering to thoughts of Justin. Most of the words coming out of Ethan’s mouth were nonsensical, more like grunts of anger. But a few penetrated the depths of JC’s mind. Words like pussy and whiny baby, good for nothing punk, not worth anything. It was all things JC had heard before, many times. Things he use to let get to him, things that had torn down any self-esteem he had. And even now, it hurt to hear the words come out of this man’s mouth. But knowing what Justin thought, how Justin felt about him helped keep the sting of the words from reaching his soul. Having Justin there, even if just in his mind and heart at the time, made the pain of the words bareable.
Suddenly, Ethan stopped yelling, stopped pacing, and whirled around, eyes trained on JC.
“Get over here. I want a blow job.” JC’s eyes bulged slightly. Anything that happened between them physically had stopped being pleasurable for JC a long time ago. Now, it was only to please Ethan and most of the time, JC never even got off before Ethan came all over him. Then before JC had a chance to say anything, to do anything, Ethan was shoving him into the shower, telling him he was disgusting and to clean himself up. Then he’d banish him to the couch, proclaiming that he didn’t share his bed with whores.
Ethan wasn’t gentle, not even close. Even a blow job was painful for JC. Ethan would ram into JC’s mouth, over and over, sliding farther down his throat than JC was comfortable with, causing him to gag. The gagging always earned a slap. He ended up with painful red scratches on his neck and shoulders from Ethan’s nails, and his head got pulled in all different directions when Ethan took a hold of JC’s long curls. But he’d never been able to stop the man when it was sex, of any kind, that Ethan wanted.
“Please, not tonight.” It was a whispered plea, barely loud enough to penetrate the tense silence of the room. JC averted his eyes to the ground, not able to look at Ethan, hoping just this once that Ethan would agree. But once again, it was the wrong thing to say and Ethan was across the room before JC had a chance to blink. A loud smack reverberated around the room as the pain slammed up against him. But he resisted the urge to bring his hand up to cup his throbbing cheek, resisted the urge to move at all.
“I said I wanted a blow job, dammit. And you will give me what I want. I don’t give a shit if you’re not in the mood. I don’t give a shit if this isn’t what you want. I don’t give a shit about you.” And then, before JC’s very eyes, Ethan grabbed the closest thing to him and flung it at full force across the room. JC watched as his textbook flew into the wall, crashing to the ground with a loud thud. He watched in horror as the picture of him and Justin he’d so carefully kept hidden there fluttered out, landing innocently face up on the soft carpet. He watched in horror, hoping Ethan didn’t notice.
But it was too much to ask. Ethan must have seen the fear on his face, the fear of the picture being discovered, because he turned toward where he’d thrown the book, looking intently for the source of JC’s fear.
In an instant, he was across the room, bending down over the picture. When he stood back up, the picture held between his thumb and index finger. His hands were shaking from anger and JC knew he needed to do something, needed to get up and run, run faster than he ever had in his life. He needed to get away. But he couldn’t move. The fear was too much, too intense. He was rooted to the couch, eyes wide and unblinking, awaiting whatever was going to happen.
When Ethan finally tore his eyes from the picture and leveled them on JC, the anger JC saw in them was worse than he’d ever seen before. He’d seen Ethan mad, upset, pissed off many times in his life. But this was more than any of that. He was furious. He was beyond furious. JC didn’t think there was an actual word to describe the anger on Ethan’s face.
He crossed the room in three large strides and immediately his hands were on JC, fingers fisting into his shirt, pulling him up. JC was thrown to the ground and angry hands were on him in an instant. Ethan was hitting and kicking and lashing out in any way that he could at any part of JC’s body that was available. His temper grew with each punch, with each kick. He was lost in the rage, completely out of control. JC could do nothing but curl up in a ball, legs pulled toward his body, hands covering his head.
And in an instant, he knew, without a doubt, that Ethan was going to kill him. This was beyond anger, this was beyond the abuse JC was use to. The picture had unleashed a fury so great that he knew Ethan was completely out of his mind. There was nothing sane left in him at the moment. No words were being yelled at JC. Ethan was completely silent as he continued to lash out, arms and legs flailing wildly at any part of JC he could reach.
The pain was unbearable and was only getting worse with each hit. He could feel blood running down his body but could do nothing to stop it. With one swift kick to his chest, JC felt and heard one of his ribs crack. He moaned in agony but Ethan just kept on. His hands were on JC, picking him up, dragging him from the ground. With a strength JC didn’t know Ethan possessed, he had him off the ground and threw him. JC landed on the coffee table. The wood shattered under his weight and he fell back to the ground. He felt his arm pop and knew, in some deep, still working corner of his mind, that it was broken as well.
And then, as suddenly as it had started, everything stopped. The room was deathly quiet and JC moved slowly, pain surging through his body, to look toward Ethan. The man he’d spent the past three years of his life with was crouched down, leaning against the wall, breathing heavily. His chest rose and fell more rapidly than JC had ever seen. His eyes were trained on JC, fury still shooting out of the dark depths. The scowl on his face was so angry a full shiver ran through JC’s body.
JC knew this wasn’t over. Knew this was only the beginning. His one eye was swollen shut, a kick having hit his face before he’d covered it. Blood was pouring out of his nose and he was sure it was broken. He arm hung limply by his side, pain shooting across his shoulder. And his ribs hurt worse than anything he’d ever felt before. His breaths were coming in short, ragged gasps. But he knew he had to get up, knew he had to move, to do something before Ethan regained any sanity. Or lost any more of it.
Pushing with all the strength he had left, he made it to his feet, teeth gritted in pain, eyes shutting from the sharp throbs going through his chest. His eyes scanned the room quickly, looking for an escape. There was only one doorway into the room, and to get to it meant he had to walk past Ethan. But by this point, it was a chance he needed to take.
There would have been a time when he would have just given up, succumbed to the pain, succumbed to Ethan. But not now, not when he had something, someone, much better waiting for him, willing to help him and hold him and ease the pain. Now he needed to get up, needed to get away. He needed Justin.
He took one step and stumbled, ankle throbbing in pain. But he caught himself on the couch, testing his weight on it slowly, eyes never leaving Ethan. Ethan wasn’t even looking at him anymore. Instead, his hard stare was focused on the wall opposite him, eyes unblinking, unseeing. Moving a little slower, a little more carefully on his injured ankle, his eyes staying on Ethan, just in case.
Finally, he made it to the doorway, stepping into the hallway beyond. The front door was in his line of vision. Freedom was a few steps away. But the hard shove between his shoulder blades sent him sprawling into the still closed door. Ethan was on him again in a heartbeat, this time shoving him to the ground and kneeling on him, knee pressed painfully into JC’s shoulders, digging into his spine.
This time there were words, low, deep words, full of anger and fury, full of hatred. Ethan was mumbling the same thing over and over.
“You’re mine, you piece of shit. No one else can have you. You don’t deserve anything else.” His fists found JC’s body again, hitting and punching, sending more pain through JC’s body. He felt the weakness setting in, felt the darkness taking over. And there was nothing he could do, pinned under Ethan, to stop it. He had no way to fight back.
With Ethan’s knee still pressed between his shoulder blades, still digging into his spine, he felt Ethan’s hands grab at his pants, vaguely heard the material rip as Ethan tugged them down. And then, before he could protest, before he could move, before he could do anything, Ethan’s body was sprawled over his and Ethan’s cock was pressed up against his ass.
Ethan slammed into him with a power JC had never felt before. The pain tore through his body, making him cry out. Ethan’s hands found his head and lifted it, slamming it back into the ground as he slammed into JC, over and over. Blood seeped between his legs onto the ground but Ethan continued.
And then, as Ethan continued his brutal assault, continued slamming into JC with a roughness like he’d never felt before, his bruised and battered body shut down. He shut his eyes, images of Justin appearing before him. Justin’s name was the last whispered word from his lips as his mind gave way to darkness.