He doesn't remember how it happened, when exactly it happened, or why it happened, but it happened. JC was never one for loving your friend, was never one for liking them more than any other circumstance permitted it to but between the smile after McDonalds and the moment the door closed behind him, he had fallen. Fallen hard for Justin Timberlake.
JC seemed to walk in a daze from his front door to his living room as the headlights of Justin's car teased his floor before vanishing in the night. He could hear one of his water sculptures running, supposedly creating a pseudo Zen like creation but now in his stupor of realization it created only background noise.
He had bought the couches in his bonus room years ago, never wanting to change them for their comfort and he took advantage of it as he laid down on it. He felt almost like he was laying in a psychiatrist's office, staring up at the ceiling with his wrist resting over his forehead and finally realizing things that were just peaking out to the surface.
The dip of his stomach when Justin smiled over to him, the quiet that took over the car on their way from the golf course they had played together on, the way Justin would sing softly along with the radio. All things that Justin had done with him countless times before but now, after around a month of not seeing each other, his throat still dried now when he thought of him in the solitude of his house.
He knew that feeling, he despised that feeling, but he loved that feeling at the same time. He had a crush.
"Fuck," he whispered before closing his eyes, trying to will himself to sleep hoping he would wake up with it all fixed. That never worked that way though but he hoped.
After a few minutes of uncomfortable positioning on the otherwise comfortable couch he let out a deep breath. He opened his eyes after a few blinks and he looked around the dark room lit from the outside streetlights. Scanning the room, over the other couch, the table of books of art and foreign countries, he let out a deep breath and looked towards the large drapes that never were closed, to the walls of art posters he had bought. He focused on the fireplace in the corner of the room. Pictures filled the mantel and it was typical that he had a picture of him and the guys, instantly remembering the day his favorite picture was taken. They were all laughing from a joke Chris had made and Justin and him were looking at each other in the midst of their laughter.
He loved him then, but he didn't love him then like he was feeling for him now.
What he was feeling now.
He felt a mixture of almost relief with panic laced inside of it. He could feel his cell phone in his pocket, asking to be dialed and confided in with someone but he wasn't ready to get another opinion on something he didn't even understand. No clarity could be found, not until he saw Justin again and he feared that moment as much as he looked forward to it.
He was a contradiction and it was comfortable in knowing he was at a stalemate until Justin came into play. Stalemate of confusion though that weighed on his shoulders as he sat up from the couch.
He stepped out of his shoes, not caring for once where they ended up, and he took his socks off clumsily with each step, dropping them by the shoes as well. The tile in the foyer was cold under his feet but it was a nice contrast from the heat outside. He walked past the water feature, for once not running his finger under the running water and disrupting the peaceful pattern and he took a deep breath, locking the front door and setting the alarm in a meticulous fashion. The plush carpeting muted his steps as he climbed the stairs and he ignored the pictures hanging on his walls of various friends, knowing the ones he was just passing had Justin in them.
He would confuse himself later with how he could have known Justin for this long and fallen for him just now. Instead he let himself only be held down with the pressure of loving his best friend and all that entailed of what it meant for everyone. The phrase 'don't mix business with pleasure' filtered into his head but he had to shake his head, trying to will himself away from that and other quick momentary thoughts that made his skin jump with anxiety.
He just had to fall asleep. He was a reasonable guy, and in the morning when the dust would be somewhat settled from this revelation he would figure out a game plan. Definitely.