June 16, 2003
"Its eleven o' seven and I'm thinking about everything..Lately I have been very frustrated..I guess its because i've been so stressed, and the disappointment really got to me..How am I supposed to learn from this experience if I can't accept it, i keep asking myself. So I'm trying a little at a time..And i have my babeys hand to help me along the way..He's been so stressed out though..I can see something building up inside him..However he places such high standards on himself when it comes to me, that he always has his strong face on. Sometimes I wish I can just hold him for hours at a time, gently caressing his face, to make him realize that I'm here for him. He doesn't need to hide anything from me, because he thinks I'm stressed, or what i feel is more significant then what he feels..Yesterday I started crying..I got so frustrated, and i just locked myself in my mothers bathroom, and sat in the corner of the bathroom crying..I kept calling out to god, pleading for him to answer me. To help me. Because I felt so alone, more alone then i have in the longest while. And I got upset, and hurt, because nothing would happen as I cried out to him. I could feel myself angrily asking 'why won't you answer me, please answer me', and when nothing happened, i got up and called my boyfriend crying..He consoled me, and then after talking to him, i realized, how could i be so ignorant, so blind? God did answer me, just not the way I expected. I had just gotten off the phone with my answer, and for the first time in the whole day I smiled..


ps.My stupidface hamster is trying to escape "

I wrote this nearly a year and a month ago..I found this while I was reading over some old pieces..all in which I haven't read in a while..It was odd..Because most of them were soo happy. I mean, I spoke about the things that bothered me, I spoke about the things that drove me crazy, or made me sad. But somehow embedded within each entry was happiness, more so ever though, hope. Lately I know I've been changing. My entire perspective of things have. I sleep more than I once did, My inspiration or yearning to write has left me entirely, I cry alot, I just don't see anything getting better. I guess this was God's plan, for me to find this entry tonight..Because somehow something clicked inside me..because just because things are so difficult for me right now, difficult to the extent in which its affecting who I am..and making me want to forget..does not mean I've lost everything..I mean, one things the same, and that is that I still have my baby..My love, my angel, my world, my bestfriend, my everything, who's going thru exactly the same thing I am..Who's missing me thru every second of the day, like I do him. And its still his voice that makes me realize that one day things will be okay, they'll be perfect. And its still his voice that makes me realize that its still okay to dream. And its still his voice in which consoles me, and soothes my heart and mind, when I begin to cry, or when I get mad, or if he senses that I miss him really bad..I've been soo busy being angry at God lately, for not being there, for things being the way they are, for not giving me a single sign that somehow things will be okay, that I didn't see what was in front of me all along..The teddy bears on my bed, the ring on my finger, the pictures that surround my bed, the poems taped onto my closet wall, a cd that i listen to everyday with his voice singing our lullabyes, 'bate bate, the choo choo song, twinkle twinkle'. I've had my sign, an angel god gave me for my very own since I require so much attention, like the greedy little marshmellooo I am. I mean, I have my love, I've had him yesterday, I have him today, and I will have him tomorrow..So after realizing all of this, something happened. Something I haven't done, and have meant, for a really long time..I smiled.

ps. My hamster doesn't want to escape anymore, he knows better, cuz i run shit :)..