YOU FIND YOURSELF IN WHAT YOU SEE
If it's true, that you find yourself in what you see, Then the whole world around you in merely a reflection BACK to you....of your inner state...of the choices you have made (both conscious and subconscious). Upon this we recognize the truth of personal accountability. If what you SEE in your world is immaturity, betrayal, anger, people who have "wronged you", drama, sorrow, complications, etc., Then that is really only what you have created. This world and our experiences in it are like standing in a room of mirrors, in every direction we look, we will see a certain image, we can hate that image, blame what we see OUTSIDE of ourselves for our problems, or recognize the foolishness in that. Your anger at the outside world is only Anger at your own reflection.

Those you think have wronged you, hurt you, treated you unfairly, are only holding a mirror to your face, showing you the shadows in yourself you refuse to recognize any other way.

Turn inward.
Hold onto a few moments of SIlence and Stillness,
Let your gaurd down against yourself--because in the end, the one you are trying to protect yourself against is YOU....the one you are fighting is YOU.
TUrn inward and see what there is to be seen.
HOnestly, openly....
Do not be afraid of what you will find--just look, and then there is room for growth and change.

Because people DO change....we are who we are because of who we CHOOSE to be...

Fuck
OK...Another entry--two in one day, I know, But I ahve finished all my stuff at work..so...I've got nothing better to do.

I'M so frustrated. I suddenly realized that TODAY would have been Steven and I's two month anniversary...and I just go "YUCK!" It's like this: Either we shoudl ahve NEVER MET, NEVER DATED! or it should have lasted....Becasue the way things sit now...it just could not have ended well AT ALL...there was no possible way....ANd because I am disgusted at the thought of the life i would have led with him, it comes to this: We should have never met.

Yet I'm still left with stinging good memories:
http://photos1.blogger.com/img/296/2612/1024/howlong.jpg

This is cooling faster than I can.....
I'm scared.....I don't want to have cancer...I don't want to be terminally ill....I'm am awaiting the blood test results from my doctor. My symptoms are getting worse. I can't eat anything! I had four bites of yogurt today, and threw up....My body is rejecting everything. I talked to my doctor, and putting the pieces of the puzzle together, it looks like all my struggles to overcome this stupid eating disorder are really the fault of some other problem. I'm nervous. I don't want to know what's going on with my body, and at the same time, I do....

But I got a job playing piano full time! YAY! I guess there are some highlights to my life. Steven is still being cold. I have refused to speak to him. I will NOT fuel his anger. THe only things he could possibly have to say are spiteful, accusing--and if he needs to blame the wreck of his life on someone, fine--but I WILL not facilitate that sort of victimization. I understand we all deal with pain differently, but anger and aggression is so unnecessary and immature. I won't put myself in another position for him to take my power--ever again. Maybe in time, when he's calmed down a bit, I could talk to him...But what's the point? He's obviously not who I thought...not who HE thought...

I've got the most awesome version of "father Lucifer" playing right now...wow...

Well, I'm back to work, yuck!

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF A LIE IF THE TRUTH COMES OUT IN THE END?!?!
....And in the end, it always does...the truth is always made known.

God....My ex-boyfriend is so immature sometimes...This weekend was the breaking point for me...All of his lies came unraveled and had he just showed me what an ass hole he was in the beginning, I would have been over it in a day.

I have no problem with the fact that we broke up--if he hadn't done it, I would have eventually discovered all of this garbage he's luging around and done it myself anyway. But I asked for one thing: THE TRUTH. I wanted to know all of the circumstance surrounding the break-up...If there was another womyn, or if his objective was just to play the field, or WHATEVER--so that I could be prepared....My worst nightmare was to show up at some party, wiht all of our friends, and have some nasty drama thrown in my face, with a million people prodding me with questions, and where I couldn't get to hear the story from his mouth first. He swore up and down that there was NOTHING of the sort to be worried about...no surprises...no other womyn. No pursuits. No need for drama. But my intuition gave me this uneasy feeling, like I jsut wasn't getting the whole story. I asked him again and again, what was going on--why exactly things were going down the way they were....and He actually had the nerve to blow up in my face, saying that I had no reason not to trust him, and that I was just being immature by trying to "convince myself" that there were any motives behind the break-up that he had not revealed...

THen, what do you know, but this weekend, one of the biggest parties of the year, and he shows up with *her* And how do I figure all this out? Oh, from various rumors, sotries, and questions thrown in my face by all the drama-loving-whores in the scene...SO here I am, trying to enjoy my weekend, and being faced wiht this nasty drama that didn't need to be a drama at ALL if he'd of just given me the story striaght up like I asked for it.

To make it better, I was then pulled aside by a friend who thoguht that I should know, that the entire break-up was founded NOT on the reasons he swore to me before, but because on some drug trip he had a thought flash through his mind that he would leave me for her if he could.
So he kept me around for two days longer, to fuck me a couple more times...then dropped me like a used rag, and started pursuing this girl. DAMNIT! I could have handled this much better had I been told int he proper time and place, adn BY HIM! How am I supossed to sort through all the different versions of what's been going on behind my back? I've got twenty people all with their slant of the story. ANd now How am I suppossed to believe anythign he says.

but besides all that, he straight up LIED. He is a LIAR....I have lost all respect for him for that reason alone. I specifically asked if he had given me the whole picture, he said "yes", I siad, "promise?". And he promised. That is lying.


ANd oh!!! It gets better....SO, uh, I guess the boy's taken up smoking, now...haha!!! He hates smoking...never has smoked around me once, ever--talks shit on it--but this new girl smokes, so he's starting, I guess....It's hilarious, because He's only doing it to impress her, and he has no idea what he's doing, so he doesn't even inhale. You know, like the first time the jr. high kids try it, and they just suck it in and blow it out...FUCKING POSER! I really felt bad for him at that moment...that's just pathetic. 28 years old and "all the life experience and maturity to top me" and he can't get past the junior high school inferiority complex. grrr....My sympathies to the poor pathetic boy...

Can't Stop What's Coming...Can't Stop What is on its Way. . . .
" . . . And I see it coming...and it's on its way."
--Bells for Her
Note: If this is your first time here, please read the "~*~READ THIS FIRST*~*~" link on the left hand side of the page....

On that note, here's the first story:

*~*~*
I almost broke up with him that day.
I saw the red flag--and realized that there was no way this wounded little boy would survive me...I'm too intense, too real, too honest. Honesty is the road to happiness, dishonesty being the road to misery...But the hardest hart of integrity is learning to be honest with yourself. That's what it means to "grow-up."
I was pretty sure I saw the same warning signs as I'd seen in all the others...And that this was going to be another "wounded boy" looking for someone to "complete him," not understanding that relationships are a matter of two WHOLE people relating and sharing, without dependence.
What would this mean? The same thing as it meant in all the others -- that "love" would be the bandaid to cover his pains, frustrations, the wounds of past relationships...and that eventually that "temporary-remedy" would wear off and he would be devasted to find "that he didn't really care about me like he thought he did." Then, of course, he'd move on in search of the grass that is "suppossedly" greener on the other side. Naively thinking that the problem with the relationship must be that it's just not the right womyn....And the cycle continues itself. These poor boys living the same self-defeating patterns. Life-experience is worthless if you don't learn from it. But rather than actually analyzing what's going on in their confused little brains, to see what they could learn or change to better their circumstances, men have a tendency to shirk off any accountability, and assume the problem must be exterior. Each womyn becomes a temporary high....masking the wounds of past relationships with other womyn (family, frienships, romances). THese are the boys who find a new "ONE TRUE LVOE" every couple months, only each time they're so sure that "this is the ONE!" DUH! It's never going to be "the one" until you are ready for it to be...And boys, WANTING to be ready, and actually BEING ready for a relationship are two very different things...
You can't be ready until you've done the mental and emotional work to get in touch with who you are and where you're going...If you think you're there, check again...and remember, your male egos liek to deceive themselves...

But I told him all of this---that I was NOT going to stand for another immature boy looking for a womyn to fill his emptiness...that I was NOT here for "filling" anything...that would just be using me. Making me your emotional whore....I wanted a real relationship...
He swore the only thing that would break us up is if I didn't trust him...trust him to not leave in a month...

So I had put myself out there, to see what could be made of it...Hoping that some how, we could find a way to see eachother honestly, openly...Hoping that he could handle the REALITY of me. Most people who can't handle it invent reasons--petty reasons--for walking away. In their heads, they believe them. But it's funny, the things our subconcious and our minds can invent to push us in a certain direction. We can feel something TRULY, but that doesn't make the feeling TRUE....we lie to ourselves with our emotions, too, you know...not everything we feel is real...

So I hid my premonition and told myself, this might work....


Then, weeks later, I had a BAD shrooms trip:

Took too much, granted, then wasn't in a comfortable environment when they hit...but all that aside, the trip was aweful for one reason: It showed me a reality I wasn't sure I was prepared to face...It became very clear to me that a choice was to be made. That either myself and "the guy I was seeing" would have to face eachother--in full vulnerability, and see eachother for who we really were--or else, part ways. I was not yet ready to see him for who he really was...that became obvious on this trip. I locked myself ina room and waited to come down, and I refused to see him. But I still couldn't come down. Finally, i decided to go on a walk with some friends. All the way, I turned over the issue in my melting mind...I saw it from the view of a thrid party observer, like I was floating high above, watching this little red-headed girl who wasn't ready for what the LifeStream was offering...I saw that and made a commitment in my head--to go to hell and back to get ready. And I did. I asked the questions that needed to be asked. Iaccepted the pains, the realities--the ugly things about myself that would ahve to change. My friends kept asking why I was so quiet...I just shrugged--trying to contain everything that was going on in my head...Finally, upon coming down. I fell into an exhausted sleep. Awoke to find my lover at the door. I saw him differently than I'd ever seen him before.

Two days later he ended things. Makes sense. I saw it coming, but thought that it was only ME who had to come to terms with this TURNING POINT. These sort of things require that both people be willing to accept what the universe hands them. It was frustrating, because I had done what needed to be done. Not everyone is capable of doing that, though...So, in my opinion, he took the easiest way out of it--and doesn't even know it, too....that's the funny part...

But it's good. I said it before, when I ALMOST broke up with him:
"I'll take this chance that sets us free"....I took that chance, he let me go, so I am happy to leave...


Yep. He did exactly what he swore he wouldn't....one month..oh, adn I guess he gave it a couple extra weeks...hip hip hooray!

There's jsut one thing that I need to say: DONT FORGET ME