In memory of...
Topic: Memories
-Lily Nataile Anne-

June 10th- August 19th 2006

"A baby cherished, a daughter missed"

...It seems like a whisp of time that you were here. Places inside ache, as inside, I silently mourn...

I wish iI hadn't told ANYONE at all. I think I jynxed myself...
It's all over.
I woke up at around 4am with pretty bad cramps. I just 'knew' something had happened. I lay there hoping like crazy it would go away.
But it didn't.
Everything happened so fast.
It was all over within a few hours. By 7:30 this morning, my fears were confirmed.
My baby is dead and I'm miscarrying.
The doctor I saw wasn't very sympathetic. It hurts like crazy to be told that I was losing my baby.
Now there's nothing. No one to hold in my arms, to love, to nurture, no one to call me 'mummy', like I have so longed for, no one to say the things children do. I was ready for this.
I was ready to be a mother.
I have run out of tears- I cried them all this morning...before I went to school.
Yes, I actually went to school.
I just told mum it was "...for English..." and went to the hospital from there.
I feel hollow, numb, but mostly shocked.
I've cancelled Saturday's appointment.
There's no point now.

The more people I tell, the more real it becomes. Glyn picked up on my quiet, worried ( slightly excited), very tired state in English today. He's the first adult I've told, who I trust, that I'm pregnant. He's promised not to say anything, so I'm safe at school for now. I still have no idea how I'm going to tell mum though!
Or anyone else...
Zoe and Becks know, and that's it for now. I'm still scared though.
After the prac this morning, I don't know if I can do this...
Maybe it's just my fuzzy brain talking- I've got a cold! Talk about iming!
I can't breathe and I can't eat- the thought of food makes me feel sick. I did have some of Mum's soup- I felt better after I ate

I remember only last week when I got my leaver's jacket, the year coordinator said to me "you should get pregnant just to fit into it!"
Little does the poor, deluded man know!
I was in a meeting today with a few trusted members of staff at school, discussing the school's latest 'get the kids healthy' project.
Again, I was tempted to say something to one of them, or both of them if I had to, but I couldn't!
I should be able to handle one lunch time a week- Wednesdays, but not next week. My prac for Early Childhood Studies (ECS)begins tomorrow. Mrs Cooper is coming in! I havn't really seen her since she stopped teaching in year 9! Anyway, I'm guessing that this task will tell me if I'm cut out to be a parent. I have my first appointment on Saturday morning! Ultrasound, dating ( to check that the baby is the right size for date)etc to be done!
I'm going to see my baby! I'm so excited!

I told Becks today. The reaction was just as I had invisaged- shocked, but happy. I was calm, suprisingly calm, when I told her- she's the first preson I've said "guess what- I'm pregnant" to. I suppose I'm getting used to the idea of being pregnant. I think people are staring to figure out theres something wrong. I've had two people tell me I look sick. In fact, I feel really good- not sick at all anymore! I'm just really, really tired and my face ( and not to mention my skin!) is showing it!
I'm having withdrawal symptoms from my daily 'crack in a can' ( alias- diet coke) addiction. Still, it will all be worth it in the end...Caffine isn't good for developing babies.

Possible baby names-

Girl-
*Lily Anne Maree
Nataliah Jayde
*Simmone Jayde
Machayla Louise
Megan Grace
Emilie Grace
Amanda
Imogen
*Charlotte
Natalya
*Natalie
Julianne
Nicole

-Boy
*James David
Peter
John
David
Ben
*Cooper
Matthew
*Rieley

I'm officially 7 weeks pregnant today! I did the test yesterday ( Friday).
Its official.
I'M PREGNANT!
It kind of hit home though. I can start thinking about my situation. Which brings me to the subject of work... What am I going to do about work? And money? The baby bonus ($4000) isn't going to get me far, so I guess I'll have to start saving- hard! I read somewhere that it costs $250,000 to raise a child to the age of 18. Thats a quater of a million dollars that I couldn't dream of earning!
I don't know when I'll have to tell work either! The smell of raw donut mix made my stomach turn over pretty bad! I started at 6am, so I got to make the donuts....The early morning start was hell! I was absolutley exhausted after work- I slept for most of the afternoon, which was heavenly.

Today is Wdenesday. I felt so tired, all day long! The more I think about it, the more I worry, but the more I decide that I'm ready to be a mum (at 17). I'm still not entirely sure, but constant nausea has made me more certain. Not 'morning' sickness as such, but sudden bouts that last for about half an hour, throughout the day and night.
The English tutorial ended this afternoon, and one of the teachers gave me a lift to where I was meeting mum. I was going to tell her, coz I'm in desperate need of advice, adult advice, but 'something' stopped me. When we ( mum and I) got home, I was tempted to tell her, and thought "will I ever be like that?" successful, happy(ish), with griown kids? I think I'm just trying to pretend its not happening... And I can feel another bout of nausea coming on...Ugh!

Oh wow! As the song goes, 'I'm in over my head'! A thought occurred to me today in English class and has satayed with me since then....
My period is late(!)
That can't be a good sign! Not at all! I could haver sworn black and blue that I got my timing right and that the pill would work ( little knowing that it takes up to 4 weeks to kick in!). Then again *Brett did say '...trust me...I'll be careful...'
Careful! Shit! I think I might be pregnant!
Shit! I can't believe I just wrote that! Me!
Little baby inside of me!
Shit! I'm scared....
If, and it is a big IF, I am pregnant I am about six weeks along...I have got to work up the courage to d a pregnancy test! Just where do I get this courage from? I am too scared! I have gone off my diet as of today...