warm sunny day
Got a new samsung so a nicer look at the screen, and the weather outside is nice too. No rant for today. Only a wish to have the camera and do something and play and have fun.

tired after a dull weekend
Mood:  sad
Topic: new entry, new day
I wish, I was better mom and not so depressed. Little kid has the capability to drive me nuts, he is dancing on the string that are my nerves and pulling that string to the limit. Bad weekend. Lot of quarreling and anger. Not all his fault, I guess I let him do that. Result is washed out me. Totally empty no energy at all. If this continues, I will seriously recalculate the option of how much hard it would be to keep Jan with his dad. Bad option and sad one too, but would help me immensely in a way. Something to think about. Back to work, good that it isn't so bad as it is sometimes. :)

Mood:  hug me
Topic: new entry, new day
Nothing to say, playing with quizzes on expedia shows me I haven't forgotten everything yet. And Jan is learning this way too. Brian is tired and sick because of all the hurricanes. But Ivan is away from him and that's good. Yesterday I made a blog page for Jan. Tomorrow will be another day to visit grandma. Have to bring her a valet. And maybe fresh towel pack. Rain tomorrow. Time to fill the tank with gas.Oh well off I go.

Topic: new entry, new day
A peaceful weekend for me. Jan was away, I was remembering a lot, when I was sorting the books and little papers that accumulated at home. Papers about Vancouver holiday five years ago brought memories. Vancouver is great, I hope one day I would be able to show it to Brian. Another Conclusion: I ought to start working on some of the old projects that I have abandoned before. Still have a book about paper making, or all the new books for learning German that I bought last year in Spring. Or finally make a web page about the past with scanned photos from childhood. Yoga relaxing book is somewhere too. Monday was peaceful. Luckily it seems that hurricane Ivan will avoid the part of Florida in which is Brian. Hopefully tomorrow I'll go for a walk. Enough for today.

Mood:  lazy
Topic: new entry, new day
Bright sunny day, lazy day at work too. Lots of positive energy too. Weekend for myself. Talked to Brian on the phone yesterday. He was finally on the beach and enjoyed it. He sounded happy and relaxed. Feels good to hear his soft warm voice. Plans for tomorrow.. hummmmm. Pohorje maybe, or scanning some old pictures on computer and writing. Pohorje is a difficult subject for me. When I am here it looks like a symbol of something. Childhood and all the memories. Few good, lot of them sad and upsetting. There were times when I really enjoyed being there, like when my grandfather was in good mood talking nicely about this and that. Being in woods, walking around or just sit on the grass that grows in woods and feeling the connections with every branch, mushroom or animal that wondered around. I was little and trees were huge, light was a miracle coming trough the branches, the only noise was my grandfather's sawing the dead trees or when my grandma chopped them with the small axe. I helped as much as I could. Hard work for getting wood for winter, but good exercise too. There was a lot of bad things too. Grandfather yelling at grandma and hitting her. I usually ran down to the small stream in the garden to hide and play. In my tears I promised to myself, that I would never ever let somebody treat me so badly. Once grandfather was chasing me around the house in anger and thrown a big wooden stick after me. Just because I said something that made him upset. I ran to the bus station in tears, not knowing how I could go down to the city. I had no money, nothing. I was lucky, somebody who had known my grandma saw me, and lend-ed me the money for bus. Grandfather was odd. A good painter and very sociable and talkative too. Very in love with nature and mountains, but on the other hand he was a miserable man with fast temper, he couldn't control and the one who always had to be right. He never knew how to show love or tenderness, although I guess in his own way he loved us. We just weren't perfect or good enough or bright enough. All his life he was a portrait photographer, best one in town I am sure. It was time of black and white photos. Since he knew how to draw he was the best retoucher around. He made the girls look just perfect. His photo atelier was in our flat in Maribor. So all the walls were full of those nice beautiful women. I liked the pictures, but hated the women. Compared to them I was a big fat bear always. When I wanted to know more about photography and I asked grandfather about it, I didn't get any usable advice. He told me to take the little paper with instructions that came with the fresh roll of film and just work as it was written there. But the house up there looked wonderful when they lived up there. All the flowers and vegetables. Just wonderful. Not much laughing though. And now the house is falling apart. And I feel guilty. I really don't want to sell it. But I don't do anything about it either. Lunch break is over - so time to stop writing. weekend....:)

Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: new entry, new day
A bit sleepy today, too much Mc Donald's coca cola yesterday and excitement about what all is going on. I am happy about Jan's start of the school. He likes the teachers mostly and school became interesting. Kid is dreaming about making things and is excited about it. Chemistry and chess and geography and history. He enjoys that for the first time he has male teachers who seem to be great. Hopefully enthusiasm will last. Jan's new lotion for his head works wonders. Grandma is as usual. And I am thinking about cooking today so it's a good day I guess. Lazy day at work, suits me well. On Friday evening I have a date again with Brian. Minutes of attention and care and touching mmmmmmm feels so good. And yes I still have to find out what to do on the weekend. Weather will be fine it seems. I ought to walk and exercise. Making my legs more comfortable with moving. Energy for November is needed. A visit to gynecologist next week is a must. Feeling of a hard cock in me - ahh dreams are OK, but I really miss that. November, November, I wish it was tomorrow already.

Anger
Mood:  irritated
Topic: new entry, new day
I am angry on myself and shouldn't be.
Stomach goes together in pain when I think about myself. I am wasting myself. All the dreams about this and that, supposedly I was bright kid once, that dreamed about being photographer first and then a writer. Continuously having this picture in my mind also that one day there will be a prince that will take me out of the gray dull reality, (there is a picture of a long road I am on one side and he on another and we run towards each other and when we meet everything is perfect)because I will be the only special wonderful person for him. Just me, just him and everybody will stand there with their mouth open and drooling and envying me. Stupid childhood selfishness. And now I am all alone here and am nothing. Not just because there is no real prince, it's just empty me. Nobody to hold on to for real, nobody who would follow my exact heartbeat and wishes. As my grandfather said bitterly you are always you and always alone. I know there is Jan and there is Brian and there is my grandma. But nobody can give meaning to my life. It has to be me. All that book reading and all dreaming didn't make me wiser, to hell I don't even remember most of it. And it didn't teach me how to relax and laugh. I bore myself to death sometimes and sometimes I am so sharp I cut myself. And not only myself, I hurt other people too. From the outside the picture can be somehow pathetically soft and sweet and tragic - a woman sacrifices herself for her son and grandma. I am stuck here because I take care for my son and have to visit grandma. There is also a house on Pohorje that I obviously won't sell. Stupid, stupid stupid me.
Jan will grow up this way or another, grandma will die one day. House will fall apart eventually since I can't take care for it. And I want to be with Brian, because the distance is hurting us. He needs a woman to be there and I need a man here in my life now, somebody to touch and kiss and fuck, somebody who watches me with love and lust. Somebody to hold gently and kiss passionately and deep down in myself I know I belong to and he belongs to me. I belong to him but need him here and now. Argh. Reality looks bad. I am not such a good parent as I should be, sometimes I am just to tired or sad to do anything. House is a mess. Kitchen is full of dirty dishes almost all of the time, all the plumbing in the house is not working. And all I really do is go to work, talk to Jan or yell sometimes and play games on computer or read books to escape. Evenings is waiting for Brian to show up on the net. And even then I am quite numb and don't really know how to express my feelings. Lately I am just boring him or he is nice and we play being naked on the cam's. I should be able to do better than that. Brian is just wonderful, but I am afraid. One day I will lose him because of that. I really have to pick myself together and find something that will make sense. Will it be photography or something else. Need a goal, a passion that will last more than only few weeks.

Putting myself together, day after day, holding to the love,dreams, thoughts that are me
Topic: new entry, new day
Yes, it's all about me :) As all the little people of this world I confess I need this five minutes of self promotion. Here and now it's me - Do I count? What is there to say about me, few pictures hidden in dusty drawers, pathetic childhood that I use as a good excuse for later failures in my life and that's about it. Who am I? Huge heavy girl, getting older, a mom - not very successful at being one - at least it seems so, a secretary that does her job well but not more than that, a distant relationship with a wonderful man - sweet bitter love that suffers because of being stretched over the ocean, a passionate player of heroes of might and magic, because I drown my emptyness in them a lot of time - killing everything that comes near, watcher of sometimes good and sometimes empty Tv. What else, what else is there to say???
The name of the blog is danes (today), so I guess I'll start with today.
Today I am happy because Brian came out of the second hurricane this year unharmed. House was damaged, but that was all. I can't thank God since I am not religious, but there is a joy inside me and thankfulness. Thank you Brian for taking good care of yourself and Thank you Nature to let him be safe. I wish I was there with him yesterday, now and tomorrow.... but that's old story that will unfold one day hopefuly to something I only dream about now.
For now I try to learn and remember the old truth : Wherever you are and whenever you are - You are Here and Now. I understand this with my mind and with my heart, I just wish living by that would be easier.
What did I do today? Work, school - meeting Jan's new teacher, that was Ok, she is fast, demanding but clever and good. Talked to Brian, saw the pictures of the house and everything around it as it is now after the hurricane, Brian told me he was making scrapbook and encouraged me to start mine on web - so here I am. Plans for tomorrow? Hum... finding something that will inspire me to put it here on the web. It's a goal at least. Beside that it's work, getting Jan to doctor to get an appointment with the dermatologist. And hopefully somebody or something will make me laugh. Hopefully I will make somebody laugh - that would be even better.