She gritted her teeth from the pain of sodomy. It was eleven o’clock and he was right on time like always. Reese squeezed her eyes shut and tried to think of anything else. She turned her head and could see that the door was open very slightly and there was a shadow behind it.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror and I’m still haunted by the abuse. But what I’m most haunted by is the guilt I feel and this secret I hold inside. Some days it’s easy to lie to my husband’s face others it kills me.
He is a wonderful father and husband. There is nothing that the kids or I go without. He has given up so much for us and I live the same lie everyday.
I thought of my dream again and the slightly open door. What was it trying to tell me? Did someone in the house see that monster rape me night after night for nine years? The only safe nights were the nights I spent with Isaac. If someone did know and they never did anything about it then they are an even bigger monster than he was.
I splashed water on my face and went over to the lounge area of the bus. I sat down on the black leather couch and pulled my knees to my chest with my white silk robe dangling slightly open revealing my white camisole and panties. I just thought of Isaac and his devotion to me and our three beautiful children and I thought of all that I’ve kept a secret from him. My worst thought was what he would do when he finds out. One day he will, they always do.
A tear slipped from my eyes. It trickled down slowly at first, but then more and more came gushing out of me, like it was the first time I had ever cried. Isaac wasn’t going to wake-up, so I didn’t care. I let my tears go for the first time in a long time. I haven’t been able to suppress them in awhile, because Isaac is attached to my hip and if I cried mysteriously for no reason he’d only ask me a thousand questions and I’d crack and then he’d want nothing to do with me anymore. And he’d find some way to take the kids too. I guess it’s my penance for lying and deceiving him. “Reese?” a man’s voice asked.
I let out a breath. I was relieved it wasn’t my husband’s. “Hi,” I said wiping away my tears quickly.
Taylor came and sat down next to me. “What’s the matter?” he asked me.
“Nothing. I was just thinking of this book I read. It was so sad,” I lied.
“You’re going to have to do better than that,” he said as he stared at me.
“Have you ever done something terrible to someone you love and you’ve kept it a secret for so long and the guilt eats away at you everyday and all you can think of is that one day it will come out and you’ll lose everything?” I said.
Taylor stared at me again. He seemed kind of shocked. “Did you cheat on my brother?” he asked me.
“No. I love him with all my heart. I would never do that,” I said.
“Then, what could you have done that’s so terrible. You are an amazing wife and mother,” he said to me.
“You have no idea,” I said.
Taylor is another person I’d lose when this all comes out. “Reese you get a little crazy sometimes. I’m sure it’s not that bad. Go and get some sleep,” he said to me.
I pulled my robe closed and stood up. “This conversation is between you and me right?” I aske
d. “Yes don’t worry,” he said.
One thing Taylor was good for was his word. Isaac is my best friend, but he doesn’t count because he’s my husband, so Taylor really is my best friend. During my third trimester with Star, Taylor starting having really awkward feelings for men and he just couldn’t handle it. I knew he wanted to talk to someone and I was the only person on this bus that he wasn’t related too, so I offered an ear. I basically reassured him that he had my trust and that I would never judge him and from there we developed a very close bond.
Taylor knows how crazy Isaac gets when it comes to the kids and I. He is so protective and clingy. He may annoy me sometimes, but I never have to worry about the kids. He is just so amazing with them, especially Star and her autism. He has a gift and I’m really the luckiest woman in the world to have a man that has the capacity to love the way he does.
I slipped into bed next to him and laid on his chest. The morning would be here soon and I needed sleep. I closed my eyes and rifted into a comfortable sleep.
“Star remember what I told you about sharing and being a big girl,” I said to my eight year old autistic daughter.
She let go of the toy and started rocking back and forth. “Sorry daddy. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,” she repeated.
Each time she said sorry it got louder and louder. I put my hands on her shoulder. “It’s ok honey. Calm down,” I said as I steadied her.
She looked up at me with her crystal blue eyes and stopped suddenly. She wrapped her arms around me and I hugged her tightly. Although that only last a moment. Reese came into the kitchen area of the bus and they all ran for Mommy. Reese hugged and kissed the kids and sat down at the table. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” I asked.
“No, I don’t think I am,” she teased me.
I leaned in and brushed the hair out of her eyes before pressing my lips to hers. “Isaac you know that I love you to death and you know that I love when you do these sweet things, but you do everything and then there is nothing for me to do,” Reese said to me.
“You do plenty around here. I like letting you sleep in,” I said to my wife.
“I’m allowed to clean up at least,” she said to me.
I stared at her softly. “You can do whatever you want. You know you have me on a ball and chain. You have total freedom except when it comes to falling in love with someone else,” I said.
“I could never love anyone else,” she said to me as she washed the kids’ cereal bowls.
“Mommy look,” Cameron called to her.
We turned her way and my heart started racing. She was at the top cabinet and she jumped. Reese and I ran and I caught her just in time. “Hehehe,” she giggled in my arms.
I breathed in deeply to try to steady my heart rate. I pulled my two-year old daughter close to my chest and brushed my hand over her little blonde ringlets.
Zac stumbled out of one of his bunks and sat down grumpily. “Morning,” I said.
He shot me a nasty look. “Don’t you know that Zac doesn’t talk until 11:00 a.m?” Tina Faye said carrying Shane and sitting him down next to Dylan.
“Maybe he wouldn’t be so cranky, if he got laid more often,” Reese said.
I came up behind Reese and wrapped my arms around her. “You need to put me on that get laid list,” I said to my wife.
I have been very frustrated. I haven’t gotten laid in a month. I haven’t even been able to pleasure myself. There is just no time on tour and when we find time, there’s always a kid that had a bad nightmare. I would never turn my own child away of course, but it’s killing me. The only thing that helps me suppress it is coloring with Dylan. How can I think of sex when I’m coloring in flowers and farm animals? “Isaac I don’t want to talk about this right now,” she said to me.
“We don’t have to talk about it, we just need to do it,” I said as I tried to cop a feel.
“Go away,” she said to me.
“Ok, I’m going to take a shower now. I’d love for you to join me,” I said leaving an open invitation.
“I’m eating,” Zac said.
I shrugged my shoulders and only hoped that my wife would join me.
“Ok mommy,” Star said as she followed them.
I opened my drawer under Isaac and mine’s bunk and pulled out clean underwear, a bra, denim shorts, and a fitted white tank top and carried them into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and I could hear Isaac belting out “Piano Man,” by Billy Joel. I undressed quickly. I wanted to be in and out before he realized that I was in there. “Baby is that you?” he asked.
I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to get his hopes up. A moment later he poked his head out and I was topless. “Ooh,” he said.
I could see that he was salivating. “No,” I said as I quickly put my bra on.
I felt a little bad for him, but sex just wasn’t a priority to me. “Come on baby just join me for a minute. I feel like I haven’t touched you in forever,” he said to me with pleading eyes.
I do miss the way he touches me, but there just wasn’t enough time. “I’m sorry sweetheart. You have sound check and I have things to do,” I said as I pulled on my shirt and hurried out the door.
I brushed my long hair and pulled it up in a ponytail. I could hear the water shut off and that sent Dylan off the couch and towards the bathroom. “Honey where are you going?” I asked my five year old son.
“I’m going to see daddy,” he said enthusiastically.
“Baby daddy needs to get dressed,” I said.
“Daddy helps me get ready,” he said looking up at me with those chocolate brown eyes.
If he got any part of his father, it was his eyes. My heart melted a little. “Ok,” I said.
I sat down on the couch next to my girls and Zac who had Shane on his lap. “Faye get in here,” Zac called.
My cousin Faye hurried in as if something was wrong. “What’s wrong?” she said frantically.
“He shit,” Zac said.
I looked at him for a moment. He knew how I felt about my kids hearing that language. “Yeah and you know how to change him,” Faye said.
Shane wasn’t Zac’s baby, but he took to the role of being a father so well. It would break his heart if Shane ever stopped calling him daddy. “I got sound check. Here you go,” Zac said handing Shane to Faye and kissing her on her forehead.
Then, he was off the bus in a split second. “Mommy look daddy made my hair just like his,” Dylan said.
I looked my son’s little fauxhawk and then over at my husband’s. They looked nothing alike, but both so handsome. “You look so handsome,” I said to Dylan and kissed him.
“And what about me?” Isaac said as he pulled his blazer on.
“Not bad,” I said as I smiled at him.
He knows how hot I think he’s gotten over the years, he just likes to fish for compliments. “Mom I want to go with dad and he told me to ask you. Can I go please mom?” Dylan said to me.
“Ok,” I said.
“I’ll see you later,” Isaac said to me as he leaned down to kiss me.
I plopped down on the couch next to Faye who had just finished changing Shane’s diaper. “Mommy can you braid my hair?” Star asked me.
“Sure baby go and get the brush and the ponytails from the bathroom,” I told her.
Just then Paulie entered the bus. “They still think that Shane is Zac’s baby. I love the rumors,” he said.
Paulie is Taylor’s boyfriend. Taylor is going through this phase in his life where he is exploring his sexuality. He has said he isn’t gay, but all he knows is that he is in love with Paulie. Paulie has been my friend for years and the kids just love him to death. They don’t really understand the whole gay thing, but they just think of him as Uncle Paulie. “You are so bad, you know going out there and torturing those poor fans,” Faye said.
I smiled. Paulie loved to start problems. “They need to get a grip; they are still asking me if Taylor has a girlfriend?” Paulie said.
Star came in and sat down on the couch next to me. I brushed her hair gently and parted it in two. “That’s not nice Paulie,” I said.
“Miss Reese I sense a little frustration. You and the husband haven’t been knocking boots in quite awhile, I can see that,” he said.
“You don’t know that,” I said.
“Umm yeah I do,” Paulie said.
“There is no way you could possibly know,” I said.
I was actually a little creeped by the thought of how exactly he might know it. “Well for one, you are so tense,” he said as he pressed his thumbs into my back to work out the knots. “And that box of rubbers you guys have is full,” he said.
“Yes and that doesn’t bother me,” I said.
“Girl make him your bi-atch. You can’t make him suffer like that. That’s cruel,” Paulie said.
I laughed. “Paulie that is the least of my concerns, not to mention that we barely have time and we have three children that constantly want attention, we can’t kiss for more than five minutes without one of them needing something. Isaac will survive trust me. Why do you think he colors with Dylan?” I said.
“That’s the problem right there. You need to skip the kissing and all of that other stuff and get right to it. Just jump him,” Paulie said.
“No. I’m sorry Paulie, if I choose to be intimate with my husband I’m not going to jump him,” I said.
“Why not I jump Zac all the time?” Faye said.
“See that’s what I’m talking about an aggressive woman,” Paulie said.
“I just don’t initiate … you know,” I said.
I was careful not to say any words that would cause Star to ask questions. There was my eight year old reciting the words to “A Minute Without You,”. That was her favorite song, because her daddy sings it. She has memorized every song and recites the words to every single song in the order that they are on the cd and the order that the cd’s came out, and sometimes she alphabetizes every song, including the unreleased stuff and songs that are only played live. It’s incredible sometimes to me to watch her. “One thousand four hundred forty hours in my day,” she said.
“Okay honey. Go look at your hair in the mirror and tell me if you like it,” I said.
“So back to what I was saying, why not?” Paulie said.
He was demanding an answer from me. “Because sex just isn’t that important to me and the only time that I do feel the need to express that I want it is when I think about how hot of a daddy Isaac is. He is so good with the kids, especially Star and I just find that so hot,” I said not realizing that I was getting hot as I was saying it.
“That’s what I like to see. Tonight when your man comes on the bus, I want you to whisper dirty things in his ear and when the kids go to bed, I want you riding him,” Paulie said.
“Thanks, but my sex life is fine. We will have sex again when the time is right,” I said.
“People who have a healthy sex life do not have these knots in their backs,” he said as he continued to rub them out.
“Paulie I want you to give birth to three babies and then tell me when you have the time to screw,” I said.
He just loved to meddle in people’s lives. “Ok ok. I’m sorry. I just see the poor man suffering. When he gets laid there is life in his step, and he whistles in the shower, but I look at him and I just see the saddest, horniest man and it hurts me. No man should suffer,” Paulie said.
“He has two hands that work very well. If he chooses not to use them, then that’s his fault,” I said.
“But sex is so much less messy,” he said.
“Paulie please,” I said.
“Ok, ok,” he said.
“Mommy do you think daddy will love my hair?” she asked.
“Yes baby,” I said as I kissed her on the head.
He was becoming such a ham, just like his Uncle Taylor. “Yes,” I said.
“Hi,” Dylan said to a group of girls.
“Hi,” they said as they smiled at him.
I watched him melt their hearts as I signed a few autographs. “I’m sorry, but I have to go,” I said.
I took my son’s hand and we entered the backstage area. “Dude we’ve been waiting for you,” Taylor said.
“Ok,” I said as I put my guitar on.
Taylor played a C on the keyboards. “Dude what do you think?” Taylor asked.
“It sounds good to me play a D,” Zac said.
I watched over at the corner of my eye as Dylan played with the guitars I don’t use anymore. He liked to touch everything and figure out how it all worked. He wandered over by the speakers and he tripped over a wire which not only unplugged us, but he knocked over one of the synthesizers. “Hey kid. You better not touch anything else or I’ll break your arm,” Chris one of the roadies said grabbing his arm roughly.
He let go of Dylan and he ran over to Zac. He sat on Zac’s stool in front of Zac. “You better knock it off or I’ll shove this drumstick up your ass,” Zac said angrily.
Dylan giggled. He had a bit of an anger problem. “Ooh I’m scared,” he said.
“You better be scared,” I said getting in his face.
“You better get out of my face,” Chris said.
“Not until you hear me. This stuff here belongs to me and my brothers and you get paid to pick up and move it around, even if my son knocks it down. And if it breaks then so be it, but you don’t ever put your hands on or raise your voice to any of these kids ever again. Do you understand me?” I said getting as close to his face as I could.
“Yeah I understand perfectly,” he said as he walked away.
I could feel the veins almost popping out of my neck. My face was burning hot. He is really pushing it. I haven’t liked him since day one, but he is the son of a friend of my fathers and we have to deal with him. “Dude that was intense. Do you need to cool down?” Taylor said.
“Look daddy I can play the drums,” Dylan said as he banged on Zac’s drums with a smile on his face.
His smile calmed me down instantly. “No, I’ll be fine,” I said.
“Let’s do “Get Up and Go” ,” I said.
“Reese are you ok?” Faye asked me seriously.
I was taken totally by surprise. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask?” I said.
“Because you don’t look so good and I know you haven’t been sleeping. I hear you get up like every night,” Faye said to me.
“I’ve never been much of a sleeper,” I said lying through my teeth.
The nightmares and flash backs have haunted me for years. It’s just too much of a burden to put on someone else. Faye stared at for a moment. I could see in her eyes that she didn’t believe me, but I guess she thought better of bringing it back up. “Hey where is my favorite skillet?” Paulie said.
“I think it’s in storage. I’ll go and get it,” I said. I needed some fresh air. I went outside and opened the luggage compartment of our bus.
I pulled out a box and started to dig. I could hear a few fans chattering amongst themselves and then I felt a pair of slimy hands on my shoulders. I spun around and it was Chris. “Don’t you touch me,” I said.
We’ve had more than one run in with Chris in the past. “Calm down baby. I just want to give you the love I know your husband can’t possibly be giving you,” he said to me.
“You’re disgusting,” I said angrily.
“Come on get on your knees and blow me,” he said as he stroked my cheek.
I smacked his hand away. “You keep your hands off of me and watch your mouth,” I said as I slammed the storage compartment shut and hurried back inside.