Sickness
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Broken Bride-Ludo

Please excuse me

while i throw up in your mind

I'll poison your brian with my  rotten excess thoughts,

make you into what I could never be.

I need to spit this out

please be my salvation,

make my thoughts run clean

and my head filled out.

This is a sickness I can't seem to get rid of. 

Sickness
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Broken Bride-Ludo

Please excuse me

while i throw up in your mind

I'll poison your brian with my  rotten excess thoughts,

make you into what I could never be.

I need to spit this out

please be my salvation,

make my thoughts run clean

and my head filled out.

This is a sickness I can't seem to get rid of. 

Money and Alaska
My comfort zone is far away in Alaska
Sitting in a palm tree
Sipping a diet coke
It hums a song softly to itself
Wishing it weren't so alone
It hears a teachers voice off in the distance
And imedietly regrets the thought
For although teachers are lovely
All sugar and spice and whatnot
Alaska has no need for them, really
I assure you I am doing the best I can to convey the truth
The truth about money is that it's alive
A living breathing thing
Likened to the devil, by some
And wrongly so
Money is the devil
All lavish and giving
Taking and poor
Everything we wish we were
All wrapped in green cloth
With the faces of a few old men to hide it
Honestly, who cares about old dead men?
We wish we did
So that someone would care about us
But, truthfully, we do not give a fuck
Sad

Like Fruit
The worst thing you can do to a person is tell them they're worth something
I should know
It's been done to me
Then the person starts feeling pain much more readily
And then the tears flow
They cry for those they think are not as fourtunate, I tell you
The whole world needs a slice of humble bee
A slit on the wrist, too
But there I go about pain again
I highly doubt death is all it's cracked up to be
All pain and suffering and really no peace
I'm not ready for what I did
Not yet
But after hours of writing, maybe, it will come out
Because I'm not really worth anything
Except maybe your spare change
I'd settle for spare change, you know
Just a little in my pocket
Jingling around occasionally
Like fruit.

Between the O and the M
Last night, instead of sleeping, I wrote your name over and over again in my notebook
It seemed so fitting, I just had to do it
But it drove me crazy, so I shot my one and only bullet through it
It fit perfectly, bewteen the O and the M
It knocked out all those letters I never liked
I took out the ciggeret in my back pocket
Lit it up
I made a couple stars on my arms, biding my time until I heard your screams of pain
They never came
That put me in a bit of a sad mood, so I dusted out the cobwebs of my mind
It took a few seconds, I admit, but I've never been a tidy one
My hand is cold
As I write this, that is the only truth
I hold it inbetween my legs, my thighs so lovingly giving it the warmth it lacks
But warmth only lasts so long
It leaves my leg feeling cold and used
And it is still cold
My left hand, not cold, not hot
Watches in disinterest
It presses against my lips
And my lips secretly wishes the hand was your lips
The rest of my body recoils in horror
But I swear to you this is all a lie
The only truth is that my hand is cold
Tap-tapping against the keyboard
Hitting the J, erasing the j, hitting it again
It is particuarly attached to a certain letter
That shall remained unnamed, so help me god, amen
Do you believe?
I do
I believe in spaceships and planets
And all of the divine
But please don't talk to me
Heavy stuff might make me cry
And the truth is I'm just writing this
To avoid the truth
That he is dead
An issue indeed
At that very moment, I had wanted to be in my beloved's arms
Cleshe but true
It would be a lie to say that all I had wanted was you
But, as I have said before, this is all a lie
A wonderfully, beautifully dressed-up lie
It dances and twirls infront of my eyes
A bit like sun spots
Only more alive
No one understands the suffering spirit
That is the biggest lie of all
I assure you, my hand is still cold
And ever shall be
Until I finally retire to bed, lay my weary head down, and realize I left so many things unfinished
This is why I never sleep.

Drunk
Wasted on the ballroom floor
The room spinning and grinning
Vioces screaming in my ear
Please elaborate
And kiss me right there
Because you know I'm not going home tonight
Whatever happens will happens
I tell the floor
The tiles whispering to me in that voice you use
Or is that you
Your breath and your song
Keeping me so safe and warm in your arms
But I'm afraid I'm bleeding
And getting you all wet
Which really won't do for a person like you
I'm sorry, but I just can't seem to get the hang of this walking thing
And your kisses don't seem so sweet
My dress is torn and tattered
I think I need another drink
Or perhaps just another boy
Who won't sit ontop of me

Now Playing: Back-up Singers
Oh, look at all the glittering lights
They tend to do that
Every so often
They told me they shine for you
I don't understand their devotion
I've never been taught to love
But when the sun comes up
I can almost feel it
Sometimes I wish I was a light
So far in the horizon
So bright at night
But sometimes I know
I know
I know
I could never twinkle for you
I cry, I die
Inside, perhaps, a little
But everything I'm feeling is fake
One big lie
To put on your wall
Smile proudly at
And when you tell the story
I get uglier every time

FAT
Mood:  sharp
Fat spilling over on to my sides
There’s no one here but me besides
My own reflection, staring at me
I’m hating what I have to see
Every day it’s the same old story
My fat face sticking out like faded glory
Only time will tell if I live or die
Too bad it isn’t fat, only tears I cry

When did I begin to stop needing food?
When did I stop being in the mood?
Who knows how long this can last
Therapists aren’t up to the task

Yeah, I stick out in crowd
But not because I’m loud
I’ve been told I’m way too skinny
Yeah, barely a girl, only a mini
Version of human
I’m one short of a whole crew and
I can’t imagine a thin life
Can’t imagine my hopeless strife

The mirror won’t reflect what I know is true
So I’ll just reflect the ugly for you
Dropped so many pounds, don’t know what to do
So I’ll just reflect the ugly for you

Can’t stop eating, a pack a day
Doc tells me I’m wasting away
Food’s for the hungry, that’s not me
I’m so fat, how could I be hungry?
They tell me anorexia’s taking over
They tell me I’ve the luck of a four-leaf clover
Somehow I don’t seem so lucky to me
Luckily I have you thinking for me, you see
I can’t think like I did before
And what you tell me couldn’t mean more
‘Cause my fat is spilling over the sides
When will you realize?

I can’t eat that, won’t eat this
I need control, I need bliss
I won’t settle for less
I must have the best
I can’t have what I won’t confess to


Baby, I’m fat, I’m fat,
There’s no denying
When I’m alone,
All I’m doing is crying
I hope you can’t see my sad eyes
Lost in fat, till you realize

I’m gone.

As the Crow Flies, I Go Nowhere
Mood:  surprised

Water spots line the floor,
Like so many spots of blood
I lie in my room,
Alone and Cold
Again
No, I am not victim
of Pain and Suffering
No, I do not wear black
To symbolize
Fear and Depression
I am a “COOKIE CUTTER”
And this is the happiest day of my life
The circle is completed,
The vicious, round
Never-Ending circle
I am alone and cold
Abercrombie shirts,
and blond highlights
The only thing to keep
Me Company
I feel my stomach,
And look at the Test
Beside me, as dead as me
I hear a voice inside me say
If I where truly me,
I’d Kill It
I agree, I nod silently
But I am not
Nor Was I Ever
The blond is good,
The pants are good
But I was Always them
I glance casually at the
Shirt on the Ground
The Life I Knew Before
As the raven says,
“NEVER MORE”
As the crow flies,
I’ve gone
“NOWHERE”
As the Phoenix spreads out
His Beautiful Wings
“TO DIE”
But this is mine,
All on my own
No two-fucking-tango
And as Beautiful or Dark
This child might be
It Is Me

I Am
Mood:  silly
I am the past that haunts you.
I am the fear you feel inside.
Those mistakes you made long ago
all come back to me.
I am your conscience.
I am everything you’ve ever known.
As all you’ve done comes flooding back,
I am here, alone.

So you decided to kill me?
So you decided I wasn’t real.
Tried to hide me like something else.
Tried to say I couldn’t feel.

I see you decided you couldn’t take me.
Is this real enough for you?
I know he ran away.
Does that make what you did okay?
I am the child.
I am the mother, the mother that could never be.
I am you, I am me.

So you decided to kill me?
So you decided I wasn’t real.
Tried to hide me like something else.
Tried to say I couldn’t feel.

I saw you decided to rape me
of feeling and hope and life
I see you decided you couldn’t take me.
Is this real enough for you?

So you decided to kill me?
So you decided I wasn’t real.
Tried to hide me like something else.
Tried to say I couldn’t feel.

I can’t imagine a life I’ve never felt.
I didn’t choose to die.
And every night you lay awake
and every tear you’ve cried
all comes back to me.
I didn’t decide to die.
This punishment for what I didn’t do.
I am a Christen, I am Pro-Life,
but I’m nothing, thanks to you.

So you decided to kill me?
So you decided I wasn’t real.
Tried to hide me like something else.
Tried to say I couldn’t feel.

Oh, you must feel so bad.
Oh, you say you’re sorry.
Well sorry isn’t good enough for me!
So you decided to kill me?
So you decided I wasn’t real.
Tried to hide me like something else.
Tried to say I couldn’t feel.
I saw you decided to rape me
of feeling and hope and life
I see you decided you couldn’t take me.
Is this real enough for you?
I know he ran away.
Does that make what you did okay?
I am the child.
I am the mother, the mother that could never be.
I am you, I am me.
I am you, I am me.