alwazys the same
Mood:  crushed out
he left for work but didn't go...i know he's out gettting fucked up...that's what he does when he doesn't go to work. he lied to my face and said everything was going to be alright, but with a smile on his face, he lied. it's so sad to think that i nearly believed him. but i knew, because it's been like this for as long as i can remember that i would only be kidding myself. im sitting here feeling lost right now. a feeling i know far too well. but i do this to myself. he has got to realize that it isn't gonna work. that once this house is gone, that i am too. and from the looks of it it won't be long either. i wonder what i did to deserve this, but i think it's more of what i should have done. i should have left him, when you asked me to. when you promised to take care of me and love me and never let me feel these feelings again. but i did my duty. and raised them and now they are grown, and you have her and you are probably happy. and yet here i sit writing and whining like a child when i am the only one that can change that. i locked all the doors and windows. im kinda scared here by myself. i worry about him showing up. trying to come inside. atleast im alone and nobody is here to witness this sad display. he is distroying me. maybe that was the game plan. maybe he is just that selfish. maybe he's addicted and cannot help himself. i know he is...i know and i hate every second of this ...i know and i wanna run away. i am tired of hiding this pain. i hate the sight of him and know how he is bringing this all down. he knows it too. god this life. this life is so bad...why me god. all my friends they have husbands that love and care for them and their families......even the ones that have asswholes are not like this. decietful and cruel....and god there is no money. the bank is going to get my house if he keeps this up...i don't think i can sell it by then...theres not much money left. there's not much of anything ......even me.....what do i do then? the quiet is over whelming........i am so sad... i love you still my baby

alwazysssss
Mood:  not sure
Topic: today
i couldn't sleep last night........i took cold medicine at 11pm then took a bath. i was in there a while because the book was so good...it felt so good....i love my bath...i love it still....but when i came out, by the time i dressed for bed, creamed all the good parts, brushed my teeth, i wasn't tired any more....i turned on the tv and what a mistake that was...i watched something that didn't end until 2am and layed awake until atleast 3. ugh.........i woke to him coming in the door at 5:30, making noise as though everyone was up already. inconsiderate fuck head......then i lay awake until about 6:45, and the alarm went off at 7, i didn't get up until 20 of 8 and was running late. I didn't take any cold medicine today and I actually felt better. I've got a new project to work on, for the town actually, painting barn quilts. I've sent too much time doing research but I think I'm ready. it doesn't start until the snow melts so i guess i have forevea... i wanted to make it a point to write about feelings and stuff like that but i'm really tired so i guess it's gonna have to wait...but i thought that if i came here and typed some it would keep me in the swing of this so that i can keep it up. anyway... i still love you...and that's all

Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: alwazys
today..... i woke this morning feeling a little better than i have been, the flu kicked my butt..... i awoke to another gray day, light snow is falling outside, and i have grown so tired of winter. no, not much snow this year but too much for my liking. the gray days make me feel dark inside, kinda the weather matching the mood.... through the french doors i can watch the steady fall of the snow and know in my heart that i actually am not here at all. we took the house off the market, with all the pitfalls of the past six months i couldn't stand to show it any more.......atleast for a little while. that asswhole from iowa really screwed up my plans....my way out...oh i have waited so long for the right time......it was the right time...he was still lying to me, doing the drugs and what ever he wanted at the moment...the selfish prick.....spending money that was already tight from the years before......the selfish fuck. it must be nice to live with no responsibility, doing what you want, going where the urge or whim takes you...but me.....the responsible asswhole, trying so hard not to loose this fucking house. this house....why didn't we sell it then.....i was so hopeful......time to leave again, and yet, i'm here. i can't leave without selling, i'll be broke. i have invested so much time, money, effort, i can hardly just walk away with nothing. but i got fucked again......he didn't get the transfer so he backed out....i felt crushed. more than ever because it was time......it's past time. there is no way i'm gonna let the bank take this place.......it's mine......hhhhhhhhhhhhhh i know........i know, i had the chance...right in front of me......you gave it to me, and i regret it. i did what duty called for.........always doing the "right" thing....and now time has passed and right doesn't seem right anyway...i tried is all i can really say.....over and over again. but what has that got me? doing an internet search and finding what my heart knew. there she was...living color........with all the words you said to me. the lack of origionality is what really hurt me. it was all me.......with her picture there. how dare you.......you had to know i'd look one day. it was so easy to find, that i actually thought it was for me.....from years ago......it was almost the same.....amazing......how easily she replaced me.....but she did.....i wonder if she knows you said those words to me? i wonder how she'd feel if she knew..........probably the way i felt. i sit here now, so many years later and i wonder if it was all just an excape, a way for me to live, without living this life. if all those feelings and words were just that? but no, it can't be, cause i still feel it. i still miss you and think of you and remember what we shared....for so long but for what seems like never. i've grown older and colder and wiser and harder...laughing and loving and smiling and joy come so hard these days....but i blame him and not you for that....he has used me and manipulated me and hurt me...and he says.."i love you.........." haaaaaaaaaaa i am laughing...cause i know the joke in that. he's sleeping now, he worked overtime and i guess he thinks i should bow down to him for the "effort" haaaaaaa fuck head....when he didn't go to work the night before, but the decitefull fuck.....lied to my face again.....he thinks i believe him, haaaaaa..funny isn't it....he thinks i don't know, then when he gets paid......there will be another lie.......and then, i knew you knew.....so fucking predictable that i could vomit. and it will be the same thing again....not talking...not sleeping together......god i can't remember when we slept together yet alone fucked.....and i hate him for that cause i miss sex so much. ohhhhh i think i'm too angry to write right now......i think i'll try again when i can clear my head.....haaaaaa.that is funny too.......maybe i was wrong about the harder and cold an all.......but maybe i am just laughing at myself........

alwazysssss
Mood:  sad
i found alwazys written by you the other day...my thoughts were of you so i decided to just type that in as a search. you cannot imagine my suprise when i found a web site that you created...my heart pounded, but when i clicked on the page, to my suprise, there it was in living color, all the words and dreams that you promised to ME...and for God's sake you even use Alwazys with HER.....oh at that minute i hated you...hated you for her...hated you for not waiting......hated you for all the things we had that we let go of...but most of all...because you couldn't even be fuckin origional for her......i was sicked for two days....... but then i thought...if i found you.......you may find me.......some day....so i decided to start keeping this "blog" so that you know that i think of you always. or even.........alwazys........hhhh i'm not feeling well today, sick actually but, i needed to take a few minutes to type something here so that you would know..... but i know you know already.....until tomarrow when i can write again.......