The Test Rated R

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Hand Signals Rated R

A man and his wife were doing yard work outside. The wife goes inside to take a shower. The husband was still outside and wanted to rake up the leaves on his front lawn, but he couldn't find the damn rake. He yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?" Unfortunately she can't hear him. So he decides to point to his eye (meaning I), points to his knee (meaning need), and then makes raking motions. She has no idea what he means and yells, "What?" So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods, this time, like she understands what he's trying to say and, then, points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her ass, and points to her crotch. Her husband is totally confused (and somewhat aroused), so he goes into the house, runs up the stairs, and leans his head around the corner. "What did you say?" he asks. She replies, "Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents Rated Pg-13

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

E-Mail Errors.. Rated G

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. PS. Sure is hot down here.

On Air Force One Rated G

Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Face Lift Rated R

1.A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

What woman are really saying:

1.You want = You want

2.We need = I want

3.It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

4.Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

5.We need to talk = I need to complain

6.Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

7.I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

8.You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

9.You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

10.I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

11.Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I'm Embarassed

12.This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

13.I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

14.I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

15.Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

16.I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

17.Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

18.How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

19.I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

20.Am I a little fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

21.You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

22.Yes = No | No = No | Maybe = No

23.I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

24.Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

25.Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

26.I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

27.All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books,and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

28.Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Smile at me one more time Just like that, perfect. I see that twinkle in your eyes You want me to kiss you, right? No, you want more than that? Okay, come over here baby Let me softly kiss your neck And rub your shoulders I know that turns you on Then I`ll move down to your breasts Wrapping my tongue around your firm nipples Running my hand between your legs And feeling how wet you are Makes me hot and hard for you Stroke me and put me inside you Hey, who said you could slap my *bleep* like that Now, I`m gonna pinch yours So playful and fun, that`s you I`m not mad, I love it I`m laughing because you feel good So tight, wet and warm Move your hips up and in Exactly like that, take it all Such a beautiful rhythm Keep going baby, don`t stop Let`s make love like this all night.

CAN I LICK YO PU$$Y?

I`ll lick your pu$$y till my tongue gets sore I`ll take a break and lick some more Round and round the cl*t I`ll go Till you can`t stand no more.

Then Ill spread it open And stick a finger Until you reach an orgasm And let it linger

Ill make you stand with your skirt hiked up Ill make you bend over and stick your azz up Ill make you lie down with your gorgeous legs high up in the air You *bleep* lips spread and your azz looking fair

Ill use my tongue, my fingers, my hands and my toes Absolutely anything goes Ill tongue fukk you and tickle your cl*t To see just how long can you stand it

Oh, no little cutie Stop begging to stop Ill lick your *bleep* till I drop I wont let you put your panties back on Ill caress your *bleep* all fukkin day long.

I taste you biting into you like a piece sweet juicy fruit

your sweet nectars flow into my mouth and the taste stimulates me

I am buried between your thighs and I cannot begin to move your legs lock me into place

yet my tongue loves licking your desires I have enjoyed the pleasure of this wet, pink delicious treasure!

my dyck is lonely and pointing to the floor as my foot kicks closing the door

as you lie aching your back my tongue continues its attack and you are screaming for more

while my dyck is still hard and lonely and still pointing to the floor

my dyck has lots of c*m ready to spurt out but my tongue gives you no doubt

that I am in the mood to eat your *bleep* and drink your sweet nectar so my dyck will have to wait

maybe when I am through and you are sedate I`ll just grab my dyck and masturbate!

WHUT KIND MAN I AM?

I`m a good man, a man who tries to embody old-fashion values like respect, honesty and trust I am to many a role model Someone to admire I often fight with my demons I usually win with thoughtful acts of kindness I am a lover I am a hard worker man I am a friend I have no complaints I am accomplished and fulfilled Andyet there are days when I am torn Troubled by the very options that I fought so hard for Am I a good man if I am drawn to the warmth of another? Do I reflect respect, honesty and trust? Where is my devotion? To whom am I loyal? Who do I embrace? Am I capable? Am I worthy? Am I truly fulfilled? What will I feel when I touch you? What will I feel when I see you? How will I feel when I call your name? Will I ever be proud again? Will I ever be able to fend off my demons and feel loved?

"Hi, Jack's the name, sales is my game, check it out . . . Hi, Jack's the name, sales is my game, check it out . . . Hi, Jack's the name . . . "