I wonder if a monkey could be trained to throw pudding...that would really freak people out.
I want to meet a midget KKK member...it would look like an evil gnome.
Why is that, in my mind, the most freaky and horrorfying thing is a grandma dressed like a clown, yet i feel a old man dressed like a clown is just silly and pathedic?
I want to meet a girl who practises Wicka and take her to the beach. Then tell her she is a sand witch.
I think it is very odd that I can write about something that I don't want, at all, to talk about.
I think Harry Potter and that one chick are gonna hook up...there was definitly some sexual tention between them in the second movie.
My internet is very slow when i try to do 7 things at once.
Sometimes I wish I was dead, and other times I just wish I had a life....that was worth anything.
god is deffinitly a female. god made guys hella stupid and chicks hella complicated and confussing. If god were a man he would have done that differently, he most likely would have made boys smart and girls easy, cause come on he's a man. If god were neutrel god would have made us equals, but no god is a chick and decided to make guys hella stupid and chicks imposible for us to figure out.
I keep waiting for something to happen, some magical thing to make things right, but i realize all I have are dreams, and that is all they will ever be...there is no magical thing to make everything right...we are all living in our own hells, and when we think everything is gonna be alright, it suddenly crashes down...I'm destined to be alone, I'm destined to have none of my dreams come true...ho well I have to try to make the best of this hell...I hear life is a windy road that goes up and down hill...when does this road go up hill again?..it is like 'how many licks does it take to get to the center of a totsie pop' the world may never know
I found my place in the universe and it sucks...I'm that guy who falls for the most woderfull girl...yet doesn't get her.
http://www.thecarsource.com/shelby/1967/blackett/Gt500_1b.jpg <-- soooo sweet
It's an odd thing feeling compleatly alone while also being surounded by people who love and care about you.
You can't dwell on past desitions and wonder 'what if I had done things differently, what if I didn't or did do that'...all as you can do is hope you made the right desitions, and learn from the wrong ones. It is silly to live in the past, or the future for that matter. Life happends in the moment, not the future or the past, all they are, are guesses and memories.
silance... it's when u hear everything yet nothing ... when life becomes like a bad dream, and when hell becomes an existance. silance is when the world seems to stop, yet u continue.... you don't move on...just continue... .... ... a silence, perhaps, brought on by lonelyness...for most of the time i truely am alone...
There is a dead spider on my wall...it has been there for a few weeks now...don't worry someone (other than me) will adventually clean it up.
When my mind is most clouded, i see the most clearly...but perhapes then, all that i see are the clouds.
I have turned into an 80 year old woman...I sit on the coutch all day, alone eating fig newtons, watching a movie, and waiting to die....i have no friends, no job, no life....just fig newtons, a coutch, and a movie
Remember that time i brought a bagged lunch to wendy's? or that time we walked the lines at the mall?..or that time we started/ put out thoes forest fires(god started the third one)? or when we goofed off at the air port (post-9/11)? or when we put all thoes signs on maxa's porch?..or any of the other random fun things we all did?...as much as i hated highschool...i really do miss it, but only cause i got to see my friends everyday...and do random fun things with them at least once a week.
I want to get a clear bass...then cover it in stickers.
Taz is so so cool.
I should stop feeling sorry for myself for not having a life or any friends...I am a loser and I have always been one...so whats the big deal if I am always alone..I always have been, I should be used to it.
My second worst fear: is failing the people I care about, like I fail at everything else...and then to be left alone, knowing that i failed everyone i love.
It's odd that I fear being alone forever...when I have almost always felt alone..i guess faceing your fears doesn't work...maybe you just have to find away to overcome them intime...who knows...surely not I
why do i go on trying?....fuck it all, i quit
47....47 reminders...47 distractions....47 individual feelings...47 instancees of pain....47 feelings of calm relaxed haterd...47 instances of salvation....47 reasons why....47 desitoins....47 thoughts....47 crys for help....47 deaths of the little things.....47 scares....47 feelings of desperation....47 instances of joy....47 tears....47....the score was 47....wonder what the score will be next?
not all of us have a pope-mobile or our very own city to protect us from the world...
is it wrong to do something terorable to provent you from doing something hoorable?
it sucks when your heart is saying one thing, and your minds responce is:...you're an idot
it also sucks to realize that the person you want to be with the most, doesn't want to be with you...but i guess that is how it goes...
BAHHHHHH!! FUCKIN BAHHHHH!
I...I just feel lost..
why?...there are some things that I feel I know....and I just wonder why......why should I go one trying...
my thoughts of philosiphy and god, and heaven and hell...are so broken...but nothing else seems true....it's like my faith fell off of a cliff, and shadered into a million peaces..and what i've picked up is so very diferent from what i have dropped...but what i have dropped doesn't seem right...but nor does what i have picked up..but for some reason it just feels true.......and i am left wondering, what lies will be feed to me next...and i wonder what awaits me after this miserable existance...is there anything?...there r few things in this place that i hold dear, few things that make this hell bareable....but if i know i wont be able to truely imbrace thoes things..then what...what if i am left with out them for a time that is unbareable...will i find other things to please me...and i do..but what if they aren't right..and not at all as pleaseing as what i fear i will never have...what if they r terrorable...and i continure to wonder...i wonder......is it wrong to do something terrorbale, that is if it preventes your self from doing something, perhappes, far more horible?
....i hate that i miss u so..i hate how u pick the worst times to hate me..i hate how i lost u...i hate how lost i am..i hate how mad u get me...i hate when u blow me off..i hate how u wont talk to me...i hate how u wont tell me why...most of all i hate how wrong i was about u
like god, she turned her back on me when i need her most...like god she took away what was dearest to me when i felt the worst....i hate comparing someone who i care about so much, and someone who i once thought cared about me, to god...hmm i bet god is looking down laughing at me right now, she must really love my misery
and when i thought nothing could get worse, my dad reminds me how much of an ass he really is...i wonder what will happen first, me getting kicked out again, or me moveing out..who knows..
because of something i stupidly said while drunk the other day a friend resently asked me if the bleeding had stopped...well i'm afraid it's been too long since the bleeding has stopped...
SO u don't want me here dad...well FUCK YOU..so u want to critisize me for every thing i have ever loved to do..well i'm sorry i am not u, well no i am not...i am glad i am not you..i fucking hate you..nothing is ever good enough..and i no longer care...so u think i am an embarasment, so i wont ever amout to anything, i am a disapoint ment, and u don't want me here..well fuck you i don't fucking care.
cut me open and paint the walls with my blood..for that is all i am good for....i hate that i live in a world where i'm not wanted...
i hate that ur gone and there is nothing i can do..i hate to think that there is nothing i can do to fix this or make it write...i hate that i have no idea when i will ever see u again, or even talk to u.....and i hate that u can so easily cast ur friendship aside, and that so many times u have told me that u don't want to see me....i hate knowing that u want nothing to do with me.
i wish i understood why...i wish u would have talked to me...i wish...i could handle this....ho well, nobody cares, so i am gonna shut up...pluse what i have learned out of all of this is that i shouldn't open up cause that pushes people away...so i am done..lock my self back up inside.
i hate that even when i go out and have fun i still always come home and feel...unexplainably horible...i hate that i know that someone who once was my best friend and some one who i though cared about me, i hate that that person dosn't...i hate that she is off haveing fun and enjoying herself..and not careing that i am crushed beyond anything i have previously known...i hate that the one person who can make me feel so great..can also hurt me more than i have ever been hurt befor, and not care...i hate that i continue to sit here alone with misery as my only company, doing nothing but gazing at my pain running all over the place.
i only have to make it one more week...then it's a whole week of doing what i love! and hanging out with one of my best friends! the only thing i have to look forward to in my life...."Be yourself...Become what you want and go out and tell the world what you are."..i don't know who Kirby is but that makes alot of sence..and who cares if the rest of the world doesn't care who u r or what u want to be..fuck em..be who u r...and don't give up on what u love...i guess i am feeling good cause i have something to look forward to...though i am still sadened..more than anything i miss u bre...and i hope on day u will miss me to and want to came back to me, its so hard to put u out of my mind, u have been in my thoughts for so long, and most of the time thoes thoughts were joyouse ones...i hate that now i think of u and what i have lost, because even when i think of what i had, i remember that u don't want me around anymore...i wonder if u even read this..probably not..guess i wast my time...ho well...its a good way for me to vent and what not..dispite if no one cares. i complain to myself.
the two things i will never undersatnd: girls and buritos
i wish friendship was like music....no mater waht music would never just leave, it's always here to keep me company on thoes lonely nights.......i wish music was like friendship. i wish it could make me feel right on thoes lonely nights...
i had a very comferting dream last night...i was lyeing passed out on my aunts coutch(where i actually was) and i saw a warm blue light, like a blured person in the distance, only it wasn't in the distance it was right over me, i wasn't afraid or anythign i felt at ease, and the warm light tuched me on the shoulder...adn i felt very happy, i knew it was my nana (i loved her so much, and miss her deeply to this day) i felt her hand on my shoulder and as i gazed into the light i could see her smileing. then i woke up in a cold sweat. no i don't believe in ghosts or sperits, thought my family does very much..i wasn't visited by the spirt of my nana..it was just a dream...but i am glad i had it, it makes me feel that she is watching over me, and for a second i felt less alone...
and as i sit here compleatly alone in the utter darkness...heart broken into a million peices...i see a small light and i stare twords it optamisticly, and i remember...just one more week..then a week of good....but i also know that that light is just a street light...
life isn't all great, it is filled with alot of problems and shit...there is bad and there is good, adn there is 'meh', you can't just focuse on the bad, and can't spend all your time bitching about the bad so much that u have over seen any good, or even taken for granted things that are so great. but even if u try to ignor the bad it doesn't go away, it will always be there, and i have now learned that u can't always have things in your life that make you happy, some times every thing just sucks..you think you have something that no matter waht it will be there, and even if it doesn't truely do anythign to help knowing that you have something just makes things right..unfortunitly sometimes..you lose that thing. so what do you do...you have to stop and think, 'what truely makes me happy?..what about my life do i like? what about myself do i like?' but even if there is nothing about yourself that you like, hopefully u find something that makes u happy...i pndered this alot, because i lost some one who always made things alittle but beter dispite how bad they where, but she left me, my best friend..i miss her so much, so i think what makes me happy? is there anything about myself that i like?..well i can't seem to think of anythign i like about myself...but there are things i like about my life..i find my joy in music, and the very few friends i have left...i hope thats enough...my best friend doesn't want me, my dad never wanted me, god never wanted me...(the only one i really care about is bre wanting nothing to do with me...)i drowned out thease things with music, for now it saves me, yet sometimes i don't understand why i let it...i guess i haven't lost all hope..things will get better? maybe i will even get a best friend back?...all i can do is wait...and hope...its so hard...
and every night i wish on the stars..every single on i wish on...will my wish come true?...so far no..but i wait..hopeing..
i think i have given up on love..it's mean..and doesn't like me..so i am done looking for it...meh ho well it was a fun dream
ok so this may be a good thing or a bad..but i have just stopped careing...meh i don't care any more.
u know whats weird when u think you have gotten over someone compleatly...then u see them again and talk to them and hang out with them again..and u start thinking..then kicking your self...yeah i blame it one being lonely and vonerable..but like i said i don't care anymore.
i have a good feeling this summer isn't gonna be half as good as i though it was..ho well, life is full of disapointments
ok ok i know..this has been kinda depressing lately, but u know what shit happends..but to make up for it i will show u a magic trick if u come over some time
"It's only after you've lost everything, that you are free to do anything" that quote is more true to me now than ever. I believe I now truely understand it, because it is only after you have lost everything, only after you have hit the bottom that you are truely free to embrace life, truely able to love what you have previously loved, enjoy what u have previously enjoyed. It is after you have hit bottom that you are free to break away to see your misery and step away from it, and be able to just breath in life, and finally smile.
I will be forever reminded of the time I hit bottom, and smile, because I will also remember what it was like to step back from pain and smile.
Carpe Diem...I have finaly been able to sieze my day.
Have I lost all hope as I lost all faith?
Too many times music has saved my life...ironicly enough this time it was the band Saves The Day.
Some times after falling and falling you hit bottom, and sometimes when your try to crowl out of the hole that is your down fall, you slip and fall again...that hardest things in life bare the greatest rewards.
It is rediculas that I can not kill a bug with my mind, a bug is much smaller than my mind.
Things can't get worse, and I am not gonna knock on wood. Fuck You they can't get worse, so they have to get better.
A random passer by stopped infront of where is was sitting (sunoco) the other day. He stopped to lecture me about smokeing, going on about how young I was and how hoorible for me it is, he asked me why i would do such things to my body, I replyed that it was my long term suiside plan, when he looked anoyed I told him it was because all my life people had told me not to, and that every one was so anti-smokeing I believed that more should be pro-smoking, he growed and walked away, and I thought if he really thought as a random passer by that he could so greatly aulter my perseption with the same speach i had gotten my entire life.
I want to date a chick with brown eyes, so i can sing the song brown eyed girl to her without haveing to alter any of the words
I was one of thoes people who never cared what their car looked like, weather it was dirty or scratched or whatever..that is untill I got a white convertible named (hard)Rox-anne...now I see how dirty she is and say to myself "dame Rox-anne is dirty, I'd better wash her today"...I mean granted I never do it..but the thought is still there...scarry isn't it
The letter T sucks my ass
And then there were more old people yelling at me for smokeing, god damn it old people I know the risks and I chose to do it anyway, leave me alone with my disition.
Something about twins that I just don't trust...they could be fucking with me..I don't know.
I love the stars at the lake...you can see them so much better than here...yet another reason I love the lake at 4 am.
The top 5 reasons I don't mind that my insomnia has returned
1. sun rises
2. the stars
3. seeing things that arn't there
4. being alone with my thoughts and memories and predictions of the future
5. the peacefull sounds of the night
the one thing I miss about sleeping. dreams.
Don't you just hate it when your heart acts stupid.
I always think of great things to put in here, that is untill i sit down and do it, then my mind goes FUCK YOU!..ho well.
Moveing on is good
Best place to pick up chicks is aparently the high way
FUCK YOU TOO! you know who you are...maybe not..ho well fuck you anyway
don't u hate people who r insinsear?...on another note maybe some people try to hard, maybe some people don't try hard enough, point being there are somethings in life that r important and others that r not, and to each thease things very, so just because something is very important to me doesnt mean it is as important to some one else...i'm learning this
don't u hate when u fall for someone and then realize they arn't who u thought they were
underwear doens't make any sence..some anyway..like boxers they confuse me, not as much as girls or buritos though
i hate that every day i am reminded twice that my well being relies on takeing a hand full of pills..it makes me feel week and i am sicked by it, but i know if i stopped i wouldn't be around here for to long
wow i have alot of shit here...meh ho well, sucks to be u who is reading it...ur bored huh...sorry
Do I dare? Do I hope? Do I dare to have not given up faith on love, I'm not sure yet, but I do hope I get a chance to care, and to love. I supose only time will tell, I know no good can come from locking my self up inside, dispite the face that ever time I open up I get broken down, I can't lose hope. One day I will open up, show someone my scars, inner and outer, and they wont leave me they will be there for me as I will be there for them, and then anything is possible, even love and true happyness.
Ahh fuck it all...again? of course would the month be compleate without me saing ahh fuck it all...but then again whatever i start school in just under 11 hours and maybe there i will meat some real friends, i am relearning that i have very few
poprocks and being hella high would be fun as hell
you can see me
but u can't see my pain
you can see me
but you can't see my soul
you can see me
but you my scars
you can see me
but you can't see my hope
you can see me
but you can't see in my eyes
and you'll never know what i hide
just so deep down inside
you'll never know me for who i am
you'll never know my joys
you'll never know my hate
you'll never know my love
you'll never know my demons
you'll never know my laughter
you'll never know me.....unless you try
I think one of my biggest problems(other than spelling of course) is that i have nothing in this world to conect to, I am very disconected for every thing and almost every one. I try not to burdon others with my problems, because when I do I tend to lose them, but how can they truely know me if the don't know what hounts me? How can I conect with people when they don't know how I tick? When i do conect with people is when i talk to them, to find out there joys aswell as their pains, and when they find mine, unfortunitly sometimes my problems overwelm others and the disconect from me. So how can anythign work out? who knows, but for now i am on a mission to find something to conect with, or some one to conect with... wish me luck
i fucking hate money, i hate that my family doesn't have any, i hate that we can barely aford food and my parents have to dish out extra money for all my god damn medications and therpiy visites..fuckin ahhh
things are finnaly starting to turn around for the better, all i need is a girl and i will be great!
am i starting to find some sort of faith again?...who knows
is it bad that i have dreams that i am on drugs?
and then old feelings for an amazing girl come back... if only she felt the same way.
i know its been awhile since i have updated this but i am starting to do it again, ok...not that anyone reads it
I hate when people pretend to care when they really don't, i hate it when people pretend to be my friend when in realality they do give a shit, and i hate it that i care what they think
things in my life r starting to get better, my great disapointment is that i am as lonely as i ever was, i have no one...
and its all for nothing...why do i try so hard just to fail....because one wing just isn't enough, i fall hard to the ground...how does one deal with this, how can everything that was said no longer be true....how does one give up on something that means so much....how do...it doesn't matter...i know my place in the universe, its to be alone, its to fall for the most amazing person, and it is to always be damned with just one wing.....maybe i should just give up and stop trying...
why must nice guys finish last?...why am i cursed to be a nice guy and always finish last, but will i change...no i just need to find a girl who wants a nice guy...easier said than done
i hate just giveing up on something great or something that has a potentiol to be great...but some times that is was has to be done...
the hardest thing is to be crazy about someone that doesn't give a shit about u and treats u like crap.
how can i care about some one who never has time for me, never wants to spend time with me, someone who sees hanging out with me to be a burden...whatever..i'm done.
fuck u...i hate being lied to..so FUCK YOU, do u even know what u do to me...do u even realize when u lie to me, or has it become such a common thing u do it with out even trying anymore.
the beginning of a new crush...maybe
"its only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything."
in this case i've lost and i am now free to move on...sometimes u have to hurt to feel better
Pop-Tart...breakfest food or Britiny Spears
and i am sudenly in the mood to disrtoy something beautiful
i wont be hurt by u again...y am i treated the way i am...u can understand why i lost faith in u...now i wish not to care anymore
its all the same in the end
it wasn't the same because u wouldn't let it...
I want to geneticly enginear a smerf
I'm at a wall
r people even still reading this...and i thought i had no life
remember?...what r we if we have no memories..i have u...but only in my memories....and u can't live through memories...so i try to forget...and i do....but then i remember....do u?
