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The Police In Humor

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Price Of A Hair Cut In D.C.

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed.
"No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut.
"No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward.
"No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

Yo Mama So Fat....

Yo mama so fat the police dogs stopped her at the airport for having 10 lbs of crack.

Last Request

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, "You buyin'?"

Dead Stop

A police officer pulled a car over and arrested the driver for stealing the car.
When he questioned the driver why he stold the car, the driver explained, "It was parked outside a cemetery and I thought the owner was dead!"

Aunt's Pay A young lady went to the dress shop where her aunt worked and picked up her aunt's pay.
On the way home she was robbed, so she called the police and said, "I just lost my aunt's pay."
The desk sargeant said , "Ouyay, Unnyfay!"

Another Rookie Joke

A sargeant bawled out a rookie. "Did you watch all of the exits like I told you?"
"Yep," the rookie answered. "I think he must have left by one of the entrances!"

My uncle is with the FBI. They caught him in Cleveland.

A Frail Little Old Lady

A frail little old lady walked up to a cop and said, "I was attacked! I was attacked!"
The cop said, "When?"
She said, "Twenty-three years ago."
The cop said, "What are you telling me now for?"
The little old lady said, "I just like to talk about it once in a while."

A young woman all excited called up her local police department and said, "I have a sex maniac in my apartment!"
The officer at the other end said, "We'll be right over lady."
The woman said, "Can you wait till morning?"

The Great Comedian - Henny Youngman

My wife and I have our little fights.
We had a fight last week.
Nothing much, only two police cars.

henny youngman

A lot of people are desperate today. A fellow walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?"
I said, "No."
He said, "Stick 'em up!"
henny youngman

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Police who?
Police open the door. I have to go to the bathroom!


A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the side of the road. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police about why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

Contributed by: MusselmnSJ

A Little Old Amish Lady

A litle old Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband Jacob know as soon as I get home," said the little old Amish lady.
"That's fine," said the officer.
"Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the little old Amish lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, what exactly did he say?" said the husband.
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure," said the little old Amish lady, "something about the emergency brake...."

Potato Sack Crooks

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.
The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog".
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"

Police Report

"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested. "Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs???"
"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer. "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."

3 Blonde Jumpers

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you women jump off of the building?"
The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."

Mr.Stupid - Mr. Trouble - Mr.Shut Up

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.
Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.
"Shut Up", replied Shut Up.
"Stupid", replied Stupid.
The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. "Excuse Me!" shouted the chief.
Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.
"Shut Up!"
The police chief was very riled. He then asked" Are you looking for trouble?"!!!
Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?".

A policeman stops two drunks and asks one, "Where do you live?"
"Nowhere", the first drunk replied.
"And where do you live?", he asks the other.
"We're neighbours."

Caution: Wet Paint

Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured by police only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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