I had the lead in a play that was truer to my own life than anyone could imagine. And I don't think anyone knew how psychologically taxing it was to perform in this play for six straight nights.

I played a high school senior who'd committed suicide. Lying in the hospital, in a coma, her life is replayed for the audience. What lead up to her suicide, what would happen if she, in her coma, chose death instead of life. By the end of the week I felt like I should be committed to a mental ward.

I was 17 playing a 17 year-old. We both were not very popular, sort of shy. She wrote poetry, like I did, encouraged by a teacher who saw hidden talent. I had a boyfriend in college during the play. So did my high-school character. We both had family problems.

Night after night I had to play the part of this girl who was me. I think I got the lead because the theatre teacher knew how like me this character was.

I was in every single scene in the play except two. I had to be angry, sad, elated, cry, and basically have a breakdown each night. Upstairs in the green room, during the two brief scenes I wasn't on stage, I'd remain in character. Ready for my next scene.

My boyfriend and I were having troubles during this time. Just like the play. Finally one night I couldn't tell where my character left off and I started. I was in the green room, and Gavin was rubbing my shoulders because I was so freaked out. I realized his simple kind gesture was more caring than anything "Jason" had shown to me in some time.

He was in the audience on the final night of my performance. So was my brother Matt. I got a standing ovation every night, and on this final night, Jason gave me flowers as I took my bow. A theater tradition I'm sure my brother informed him about.

But the play wasn't over. The following monday the school wanted to videotape it - to use in counseling situations maybe. Since it hadn't been too long before that a student had killed himself. Each year I was in high school, a student died. Suicide. Hit by a car.

By that time I was so sick of this play. I'd gotten the entire day off from classes to tape this thing and it did take all day. My acting wasn't, anymore. My co-star, Jim actually asked me if I was OK because I was so angry during one scene he didn't know if it was real or if I was acting. It wasn't acting.

Not long afterwards, Jason and I broke up.

I'd been seeing a counselor, because he thought I needed it. That it would help me to get "better" and be more assertive. Do it, or else, he basically said. I couldn't please him no matter what I did, so I went. I was scared shitless all the time. The counseling turned out to be less about him than about me and my family. He wanted me to get stronger he said.

I stopped going eight months later when my counselor wanted my parents to come to a session. Because she thought I was going to hurt myself. Commit suicide. I knew she was the crazy one and I quit going. I'm still breathing, thank you very much.

Soon after the play was over, and before I quit counseling, I talked to Jason. I told him how I'd felt more cared for by Gavin during his simple shoulder-rub than I'd felt from Jason in months. We talked for a long time. I cried. He was upset, I don't remember if he cried. He admitted to cheating on me at college. With the girl whose boyfriend used to give me rides up to see Jason.

We agreed to break off our relationship.

Several months later I ran into Jason again. We talked a little. We could be friends, I suppose. But then he wanted me as his girlfriend again. He'd purposely waited until I'd grown stronger, before deciding to get back together with me. He said, go out with me, or else I can't be your friend anymore.

What Jason hadn't realized was that I had grown stronger. Strong enough to say no.

Standing ovation.