Legs and Antennae

I managed to totally embarass myself this weekend despite the fact that there wasn't a very large audience to witness my folly. So I'll embarass myself futher and just tell you.

On Monday morning, Memorial Day, I was cleaning the house. In my pyjamas - I hadn't bothered to shower or change out of the t-shirt I'd worn to bed. Although I did put on a pair of shorts for the neighbors' sake.

My tidying lead me to the garage, where the bike rack for the car lay on the floor. Down to the basement it went, hung on the wall. I went back upstairs to continue my tirade on the house.

But in the family room, I stopped. A strange loud buzzing was emanating from somewhere. The cat heard it, too. I walked to the window. It didn't grow any louder. I turned away, and upon retreating from the wall, I realized the buzzing wasn't getting any softer. That's when it dawned on me - the buzzin was coming from me!

And with that sudden insight, I freaked out.

"WA-Haaa!" I screamed, and ran around the room, swiping myself with both hands, trying to remove what must surely be the grandad of all leggy-crawly-creepy-buzzy monsters.

I nearly tore off my shirt right there in the many- and large-windowed room. But again, I was still in my PJ's and my neighbors might not appreciate their young children viewing some crazy half-naked lady running circles in her family room.

So I ran into the bathroom - and couldn't find it. With my shirt held in front of me, I ventured out into the living room. On the floor crawled a massive bumble-bee. Huge. I couldn't think straight enough to go back to the bathroom to put on my shirt. And I'd cleaned so well there was nothing to smack him with. So I ran all the way upstairs, put my shirt back on, and grabbed a running sneaker.

I stunned him with it and then tossed him off the deck. I had two long scratch marks on my ribs and a very confused and frightened cat.

Bob returned home later from the grocery store. I unloaded everything into the fridge. I've always loved it when someone else did the shopping. Often my mom would go alone to the store and we'd rush downstairs to help her unpack. We loved to see what she'd bought - although looking back on it now we were probably hungry and would instantly open whatever looked tastiest.

So I was poking my head into each bag and exclaiming with surprise when I found something I didn't know I wanted. In one was fresh vegetables. Another held Asian pears. I found a paper bag, folded over, and inside were fresh nectarines. Yummy! (The bag helps them to ripen.) Then I found another bag, and expecting more fruit, I opened it and stuck my face in for a peek.

And screamed my fool head off a second time. Bob stood there and laughed at me, while I nearly cried. It wasn't fruit. It was a live lobster!

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Embarassing Episodes The Art of Being Human

Email: artofbeinghuman@yahoo.com