The Book of Nasty Presents
People We Admire and Why

DarkMetal People

Feyd: we did things together few people do to one another.... No, we didn't bond. We didn't have some touchy-feely thing goin' on. We did a number on a shemp named Craig with a Cuisinart. Now, *that* is fucking special.

Craig: you suck. I only mention you here because you suck. And that about covers it. You suck.

Radu: the only guy on DarkMetal with a rat in his chest. Nuff fuckin' said. Puts him in the 'cool as all Hell' book, in my estimation.

Mr.Stoll: why Men in Black are as cool as they sound. Plus, he dresses snazzy. *Vogue*

Lucretia: evil, cold-hearted, soulless and depraved. Dear God, why is she even alive? Why, God responds, is she alive? Just to make everyone feel good about being a bad person.

Acolnahuacatl: the man has an Aztec name, and a cyberlimb. Run with the ball.

Brown: a Technocrat with a neurosis. Whee!! Now, if only she can learn defiance....

Doc Brown: this man made me redefine the image of the bumbling professor/deviant/ archaelogist/rogue technical support rep/vehicle repairman concept. Now, I know his filthy secret.. Bwhaha. OK, it's not a filthy secret, but still, it's a good one in my book.
 
 

The Parking Lot is Full: comics for the fucking deranged. Needless to say, we root through it's archives like a wino through a liquor store's dumpster. Bwhaha.

Goats: As above, so below. Bwhaha, and whatnot.

Redmeat: nuff said. It's got my two favorite words in it's title. The artwork is uninspired, but the content has to be seen to be believed. Doubleplus good, in our books.

The Onion: oh, my. How best to term their work? Nah; take a look. Read and enjoy.

Bruce Campbell: the man is not only a film and TV star, he posts his own web stuff. Responds to drooling fan mail. Like, for example, the kind of stuff we'd send. A hero to one and all.

Sister Rosetta: the only nun worth laughing with, rather than *at*. No, seriously, a good place to get a good chuckle in, if not a full blown guffaw. What the hell is a 'guffaw', anyway?

Thumb rings: I don't get it. End of statement.

Rap music: I grew up around rap. In the days of old, (wow, you mean the 80s?) it was unpopular because it was "too ethnic". Now, it's trendy. Saaay. So is polka. Let's do something inventive. Some shemp wearing enough Tommy Hilfinger/Nike/<random sports team> paraphernalia to qualify as a living billboard starts hitting the bass in his system while cruising, and it's on your last fucking nerve, why not try treating them with a little polka music? At like, 140 decibels. Fuck 'em if they can't take a hint. Or, for sick fun, try opera.

Anything with the words "-ooza", "-stock", and "-fest". Wow. I can save time and money by getting plowed in my living room, and letting someone burn fifty dollars in front of me, one dollar at a time, while simulating a mosh pit by breaking three of my toes with a golf club. I'd gain more satisfaction than rubbing elbows with Benny T. Hippy and Bob J. Bluntsmoker. No thanks, I'll skip it. Chances are, I'm not going be missed. It's not my scene.

Any rave with a flyer; what's the point? A "good" rave risks being busted not by the cops, but by the DEA and the Underwriters' Laboratory. Feh on you, ravebunnies. Feh.

A soundtrack that doesn't contain the track I heard in the movie: you people suck. If you don't want us to hear it, don't put it in the fuckin' movie. I liked the music in the movie enough to buy the soundtrack, so why not give me a treat for doling out the dough, and giving me what I want? Is it that hard a fucking concept, folks? Jesus; some people's kids....

Oh, yeah. Kids. Forgot about that. Any untrained yard ape running at Mach 7 down a Skipper's parking lot into traffic will get a stern warning from me; after the fact, mind you.... "See, Billy? Running in traffic wasn't very smart, was it? Now, go pick up your fingers, look for your feet, and go find Mommy." Parents: invest in a leash, if it's going to act like a beast.

Dog owners: I personally like the sounds of a dog barking. But, not in a parked car, on a hot day, with the windows rolled up. I usually do the dog and I both a favor, and kick in three to four windows, so as to let me hear the dog easier. If you can't treat a dog like a sentient being, chances are, you're not one, either. Ergo, you don't deserve windows on your car.

Car alarms: I love 'em more than dogs barking. Plus, it's really fun if some asshole has it turned up, and it's honking, and blaring, and flashing it's lights. Whenever that happens in my neighborhood, I quickly get outside, and start an impromptu rave. Hey, no overhead, I usually have beer on ice, and I can charge a buck a head to dance on your precious BMW, lights flashing and all. Thanks for the second income, you insensitive prick. Keep up the good work.

Hey, that reminds me. Anyone noticed the trend between car alarm sales and carjacking incidents? Gee, I wonder why. Could it be because Rodney T. Snotlicker and his brand-spankin' new BMW can't bear to be apart, so he installs an alarm? Yup. If someone wants Rodney the Rodent's car, now, he has to put a gun to Rodney's groin, and let him in on the secret; buy a car alarm, and make a car thief pissed off. Make a car thief pissed, and he'll shoot you, and steal your car anyway. Once again, that's logic for you.

(Special treat: BMW stands for Bust My Windows.. Naw, not really. I like the company, but hate most of the drivers. BMW, we salute you. Yuppies: we're saluting. We're just not using all of our fingers, is all.)

Nonsmoking restaurants: give it up. The men who write the laws governing how you are to handle your business' finances are hard-core fuckin' smokers. The best you'll get is the baby boomers' trying to forget the fact that twenty years ago, they'd have been kicked out of your restaurant for smoking dope on shift again. Get over it: smokers will outlast you, because we are collectively one step closer to learning how to breathe nothing but smog.

Anyone who doesn't like nuclear weapons: get used to them. We need them. Why? Tell you what; move into the part of town you just send money to help out in, rather than visit. Now, sell your gun. Let everyone know you sold your gun. Turn up your stereo. Get the picture? Someday, someone will use *their* gun to obtain your speakers, probably over *your* dead body. Get the fucking clue, folks. Living in fear sucks rocks. I'd rather live in equality through extraordinary firepower potential, than some "green-touchy-feely" crap. Fuck "peace".

Ditto for nuclear power: sure, fusion is cleaner, safer, and healthier for the environment. Go fuck yourself, if you want me to install a fucking solar panel on my house, so I can help my great-great-grandkids not have fucking gills. Who am I to judge? Maybe it'll be necessary.

Fascism: it sucks. Does anything more need to be said on the subject? Not really, unless it's some dimwit with a clever and insightful comment on my clever and insightful comment on the current state of fascism being nothing more than "it sucks".

People who simply say "you suck", unless they're me. I never once said I wasn't a hypocrite. Get used to that level of honesty around here. The rules I lay out for the world by logic exclude me. Otherwise, it'd hardly make much sense for *me* to be laying them out, unless *I* got something out of the whole deal, if it works out like I have planned, now does it?

(Wow, I hate more stuff than I thought... OK... I guess I should call this a rant page, for brevity's sake, no?)

OK, rants, from illogical people, on irrationally based concepts, on obscure ideas on public media. Once again, unless they're me. Do we need to go over this again? Probably not.

Easily offended people: how you made it this far in life without having to clamp a set of heavy-duty earplugs and blinders on is beyond me. Does the whole world look like it's got all these sharp edges, nasty people, and obscene concepts, all bent on corrupting you, and turning you into one of THOSE KINDS OF PEOPLE? Well, speaking as ONE OF THOSE KINDS OF PEOPLE, we really don't care, one way or the other. You're just not that cool.

Anyone opposed to the government: I like it. Do you know why? It weeds out the stupid at an alarming rate; not because it's terribly efficient, but because there's so fucking many stupid people out there. If someone says "I hate cops", rob them. I mean, like right then, there, for what they got in their pockets. Now, kick the hell out of them. Repeatedly, if needed. Now, let them in on the gag; they can't call the cops. Suddenly, it's a different tune. Wonder why? Don't they hate cops, all the time? Otherwise, I'd say their lying. Like I said, shemps, all.
 

Activists who declare me a member of The Other Side, for not signing their petitions: get over it. Just because I don't want to stop on my way into a video store to help you save a whale, the koala bears, or a special walnut tree in Papau, New Guinea, doesn't make me a heartless fuck. It makes me insensitive, yes; in a hurry, to be sure. Maybe even a bit hostile, if you press the issue. In short, declare me an enemy of your side, and I'll play the part to the hilt. As in, loudly declare you my compatriot, in wanting to rid the world of the dreaded koala bears, the whales, the walnut trees in New Guinea. Then, ripping your petition up, and laughing as it drifts to the ground. Now, don't I seem so much more friendly, just telling you to get the fuck out of my way so I can return my movies? I'd like to think so.

Those who resent people in touch with their inner hostility: why bottle rage? It's not like it's got a stress relieving effect, while venting, right? It's not like it reduces the amount of lying I have to do, when someone says, "What's wrong?" It's not like I am getting a gun, and popping caps into people. I'm venting. So, stay back, stand clear, and out of my way. I'll return the favor, should you need to rant on anything, for any reason. I'm considerate, if nothing else. Hey, I'm that kind of guy, if I'm not pissed off at the moment. Really.

I'll close this rant, now, and let your own minds wander again. I don't want to corral those few minds still left free in this little dungeon of my subconscious. Besides, judging by the content you've read, would you really like to see more?

You don't say.

Seriously?

OK.

You got a deal.
 
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