I’m starting to forget
what normal used to be like—
getting used to what normal is now.
Normal is
naps
and no energy
and frequent rests.
Normal was
able to do almost anything
as soon as it was thought.
Normal is
forgetting
and slow brain
and being unable to think.
Normal was
learning quickly
and being able to make decisions.
Normal is
frustration
and anger
and fear.
Tired,
always tired,
No matter how much you sleep.
You still think,
"If only I could sleep longer
I’d be rested."
Then you remember
it doesn’t work that way anymore.
Naps—which are necessary—
(and you can only rebel so much, and you pay for it later)
only let you feel more rested than before.
Never fully rested,
full of energy.
Thoughts come,
then slip away;
Then later come again
only to disappear (again).
You sometimes feel your brain is working amazingly well—
like it used to—
yet your thoughts aren’t connected.
No longer can you do one thing,
keeping another in mind.
Miraculous!
Times come where you feel yourself!
Your old self!
Sometimes for days, sometimes only hours,
but they come.
The first time it happens, you think you’re well,
that it was just a weird bug,
Then normalcy (for now) returns.
The next time it happens, you’re sure it was all in your head.
Just a bad dream, now gone.
Then normalcy (for now) again returns.
This happens again and again.
Slowly, you learn it’s not a dream,
and you’re not crazy.
It’s a nightmare and it’s your life (for now).
It’s hard to describe what this is like.
Physically, there are muscle aches, or joint pain, or muscle cramps,
lasting a breath, or several, or even a day.
It can be mild, or achy, or piercing pain—
perhaps moving from place to place with each breath,
never completely stopping.
Some things last several days, maybe even a month,
that seems to be a cycle—one month.
Things you experience can go away,
and then later return.
And those are just the physical symptoms, only some of them.
Faulty memory, faulty brain.
Unable to think clearly—
pieces of thoughts, conversations, lost.
Unable to remember thoughts, words, deeds; even from a minute ago.
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