Jason: Yeah!
Justin: Hey, wai-wait...
Jason: Damn it!
Scott: What? Now you already freakin' examined him.
Justin: Oh yeah... I call Jake Cunningham to the stand.
Scott: He was already up on the stand.
Jason: No, he wasn't!
Jake: I haven't been on the stand yet. Boo-tay!
Justin: No, no.
Jake: Oh yeah, I'm sorry.
*Jake forgot to swear on the Non-Scoring Holy Bible, and now does so...*
Jason: Something about the truth and blah, blah, blah...
Jake: Uh, I can do that.
Justin: Do you accept the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth--
Jason: Have a seat, ya bitch(39)!
Justin: -- so help you God?
Scott: Shut up and get with your argument!
Jake: That's fucking(40) close enough... I gotta scratch my jock.
*Jake begins scratching his groin...*
Scott: Your jock has nothing to do with this trial. Overruled. *pounds gavel*
*Everyone laughs...*
Jake: I object! I think my jock has a lot to do with this trial.
Scott: Okay, sustained, I think! *pounds gavel* So, that will be on there... that will be on there for this thing, that his jock-- his jock has a-- okay, this will be on this thing, that his jock has a lot to do with this trial, okay? That will be--
Jason: Okay! Go!
Justin: How long have you known Jason D?
Jake: Uh, let's see here... now let's see here... the four... the second half of my sophomore year is when I got to know him.
Justin: And do you think he's intelligent enough to lie to you in that great manner?
Jake: Uh, yeah.
Justin: W-why do you believe this?
Jake: Uh, 'cuz he always lies all the other times, and then he sits there and laughs at us about it later.
Jason: What!?
Justin: When has he does this?
Jake: Shut up!
Justin: Objection. When has he done it?
Jake: Uh, he does it all the time. I mean, every single day he comes around and says something and then he laughs at about it later.
Scott: Yes, I-I have an objection. I can even-- I can even--
Justin: I believe that was me.
Jake: Well, you do it, too.
Scott: -- I can be a witness to this toda-, about today.
Jake: Uh, shut up.
Scott: No, I--
Jake: I can handle this myself, bitch(41).
Scott: But I'm just saying, though... I- I can--
Jason: Hey! Shut up!
Scott: You shut the fuck(42) up!
Justin: Judge Judy, shut up.
Scott: Fuck(43) you! I'll throw this fucking(44) gavel at you and knock your ass(45) out!
Jake: Do I have "stupid" written on my forehead?
Justin: Now why did-- you never answered my question.
Jake: Like hell I didn't.
Justin: You said, when has he ever done it?
Jake: And I said he does it, like, almost every freakin' day he's lying about something.
Scott: He answered the question.
Justin: Like what?
Jake: He lies about his homework, he lies about whether or not he's got stuff done; for our Teotec project like, "yeah, I got that done," and then he DOESN'T have it done when I go over there, like, two days later!
*Justin turns to Jason and asks...*
Justin: Is this true?
Jake All the time!
*Jason nods his head to say "no" to Justin's question...*
Jason: What the hell you talking 'bout, bitch(46)!?
Justin: I think you're lying just so you can make your case better.
Jake: Uh, I don't-- I sweared on the Holy (Non-Scoring) Bible, butthole. I'm not the one that's been changing my-- my stories around to make it convenient for this court case.
Justin: Kiss my ass(47).
Jake: Oh, that's an excellent result.
Scott: Stop badgering the witness!
Jake: Yeah!
Justin: I'm just holding his dick(48) for him.
Jake: Yeah.
Scott: Well, damn it, stop leading him then!
Jake: *Kind of laughing...* Yeah, quit leading the witness!
Justin: All right. What was I gonna say?
Scott: 'Cuz remember, his (Jake's) jock has a lot to do with this trial.
Jake: Oh, yeah.
Justin: His jock has nothing to do with this trial.
Scott: Yes, it does. I--
Jason: No, I think mine does.
Jake: Oh, yeah.
Scott: Your jock has nothing to do with the trial! It's his jock that's on now!
Justin: When he called on, duh, what day was it?
Scott: God, can't even remember what freakin' day...
Jason: Uh, excuse me, he called me.
Justin: He called you?
Jason: Yeah.
Jake: Yeah! See? Get your damn facts straight!
Justin: No, I just wanna... hold my balls now. Uh...
Scott: Your balls have nothing to do with this trial. Sorry.
Jake: Yeah, your balls are not a relevant issue.
Justin: You wanna hold my balls?
Scott: Not really.
Justin: Okay, uh...
Scott: Anyways...
Justin: Anways... uh..........
Jason and Scott: Get on with it!
Scott: Stop studdering! You're just making this worse for yourself.
Justin: I'm not trying to studder, I'm trying to think of stupid questions to ask the stupid client.
Scott: He's not a client, he's a witness, you retard.
Justin: Or a witness, that's it.
Jason: Okay, you were on the subject of the phone call.
Justin: Thank you very much.
Scott: You need to be your own lawyer, man. Shit(49), you can remember everything.
Justin: When he called, or, when you called him... when I asked him if he had a BJ, did he studder at all?
Jake: Uh, I can't say that I had the phone, so therefore so I wouldn't know, would I?
Justin: Didn't you ask him?
Jake: No. Well, I asked him if anything else had happened, and he only said to me, that, "no, we just had 's'." Then he stopped at that and I just assumed that meant sex.
Jason: "We just had 's'?"
Jake: You said, that we had had the "s" word, or "s."
Scott: Now, 'cuz, a-and now you said y-you didn't want anybody else-- anybody else to know, but you could have said "BJ" like your parents would go, "Hey, man, we had a BJ." I don't think your parents are going to hear.
Jason: Uh, I do.
Justin: He's kind of embarrassed.
Scott: His embarras--, *pounds gavel* I'm sorry, but his embarrassment has nothing to do with this freakin' trial.
Justin: Objection, your Honor! Objection!
Scott: *pounds gavel* Overruled.
Jake: Y'know, I'm gonna count up on this tape how many objections we've had.
Jason: And out of all of them, only two were sustained.
Jake: I don't need to cross-examine myself. I-I think that my case pretty well stands for itself. So far.
Justin: Are you examining--? Go ahead! You're examining yourself.
Jake: Yeah, I'll examine myself right now!
Scott: Okay, you can just cross-examine yourself.
*Jake checks himself out really quick*
Justin: He's examining--
Scott: You may step down, Mr. Cunningham.
Jake: Ah, man. I was having fun up here.
The trial nearly reaches its conclusion as Jake and Justin give their closing statements! Scott's final decision follows! You can see the closing statements by clicking here!
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