Jason: Aw, damn it! I said Jake!
*everyone begins laughing at the major foul-up*
Scott: Get up and get him the book! Give him the holy grail.
Jake: Please raise your right hand. I said your right hand, ya assmuch.(22)
Scott: Put your ass(23) on the bible.
Jake: Do you swear to tell the truth, the more truth and other truth until you die?
Jason: Uh... what?
Jake: Or else we kick the hell outta ya?
Jason: Okay.
Jake: This is a yes or no question.
Jason: YES!
Jake: Okay.
*Justin farts, and Jason coughs... people begin moving away from the stench...*
Jake: We all walk over here.
Scott: Shut up. No deaths in my courtroom! I will have your ass(24) thrown in contempt of court one more time.
Justin: Does that mean he's gonna grab my ass(25)?
Scott: No, that means your ass(26) is gonna be in a contempt and I'll find some punishment for it.
*Jason gets up and leaves towards the bathroom*
Justin: Jason!
Jason: Hold on!
Scott: The witness may not get up and take a piss in the-- in my chambers! I--! Sto-, stop spitting or anything in my chambers, man! I, I will bust your ass(27).
Justin: All right, the next time he spits, he'll spit on you.
Scott: The next time he spits, and he spits on me, he'll be held in contempt, and I'll throw his ass(28) out the door.
*Jason returns*
Justin: All right. Did you have sex with Carmen?
Scott: With nasty chick...
Jason: Yes, I did.
Justin: And how long did it last?
Jason: Uh, approximately four to five minutes.
Justin: And, and... and uh... did you enjoy it?
*Dogs begin barking loudly in background*
Scott: *to the dogs* Shut up out there! We can't hear our freakin' case in here!
Jason: Uh...
Jake: Objection. I- I fail to see the relavence of whether or not he enjoyed having sex with that fat whale or anything.
Justin: I just, trying to get some information out of him.
Scott: Sustained. Objection sustained.
Jason: Uh, what's that mean again?
Jake: You mean, overruled.
Scott: No, because your-- if I like it-- wait a minute-- now wait a minute. Objection overruled only-- only if you don't feel that it has--
Jake: If it's overruled, it means, you just dismiss my question. Sustained, you say, "yeah, this-- this objection is gonna stand."
Scott: Well it is.
Jake: Oh.
Scott: 'Cuz I don't feel there's any-- I mean, who cares if he enjoyed it? That has nothing to do with it.
Justin: Did you get a BJ?
Scott: Define BJ! Ha ha!
*There is a long pause as Jason contemplates his answer...*
Justin: You pledged yourself that you would tell the truth and nothing but the truth now--
Jason: Ok, I did!
Justin: Thank you! No further questions.
*Jake gets ready for his cross-examination and gives Jason an evil look...*
Jason: Oh, god.
Jake: I'll get my little paper here. Uh--
Scott: You didn't ask me, er, let me ask you if you had anything to cross-examine. Anyway, go ahead.
Jake: I don't care. Mr. Dumolt, can you tell exactly day the incident took place?
Jason: January 5th.
Jake: Of 1998?
Jason: Yes.
Jake: And can you tell me at about what time this took place?
Jason: Somewhere between 5:30 and 6:00 (pm).
Jake: Okay, now where in the house did the incident take place?
Jason: In my bedroom, on my bed.
Jake: Now, was there anyone else home?
Jason: Yes, my brother.
Jake: And where was your brother?
Jason: In the kitchen.
Jake: Now, can you remember what you and Carmen were studying in the night in question?
Jason: Personal Finance...?
Jake: Oh, specifically, what aspect of personal finance were you studying?
Jason: Uh..............
*After a long pause, Justin begins to whisper answers to Jason*
Scott: Shut up, you cannot say anything. You better shut up! Cuz you cannot do that shit(29)!
Jake: Exactly. So you don't remember the specifics details of it?
Jason: No, I don't.
Jake: Now, do you remember when your dad got home that day?
Jason: Uh, yep.
Jake: Uh, what time did he get home?
Jason: About 6 (pm).
Jake: Ok, and uh, why didn't he get home earlier?
Jason: Because he was working overtime.
Jake: Uh huh. And what time was he supposed to get home?
Jason: About 4:30 (pm).
Jake: Okay, now do you remember what you or Carmen were wearing specifically?
Jason: What!?
Jake: On the night in question, do you remember what you or Carmen were wearing specifically?
Justin: Objection, your Honor! How would he know what he was wearing? 25 days ago?
Scott: *pounding gavel* Whoa, whoa, whoa! *Jake and Scott begin arguing over Justin's objection.* Ok, ok, go ahead. Hurry up and go.
Jake: Uh, since uh, he seems to be able to remember all this other stuff that seems to have happened, the time and all this other stuff, he should be able to remember what they were wearing.
Justin: Why would he remember that?
Jake: He remembers they had sex, he remembers he got a BJ he said, he remembers what time it was, he remembers where his brother was, he remembers why his dad wasn't home. He can't remember any of the other specific details?
Justin: That was because it was important. Having a BJ, and having sex--
Scott: Oh, and, and-- whoa, whoa! I'm the judge and I can speak up.
Justin: Knowing where his brother was, is important.
Scott: Now, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! Why would studying personal finance be important?
Justin: It wouldn't.
Scott: Well, then why would he happen to remember that he was, they were doing that?
Justin: Because...
Jason: Because...
Justin: ... that's why she called him to ask him to come over.
Scott: So, he should be able to remember what they were wearing! Objection freakin' overruled!
Justin: You can kiss my white ass(30) bitch(31)!
Jason: Nice try, Justin.
Jake: Mister-- yeah, that was a pretty good one. Mr. D, have you neve-- not told me before that you and Carmen were both quote, "working on our homework, and then BAM! It just happened."?
Jason: Yes, I did.
Jake: How can something just, "BAM!" and happen? Something like sex doesn't just happen, does it?
Jason: Uh...
Jake: Exactly. Now maybe I'm confused, Mr. Dumolt, but uh, how can you remember like something like the time, but not remember any other details, uh, leading up to the event of the evening?
Justin: Objection, your Honor. He would only-- he would remember the time because--
Jake: It's a flippin' question! Unless it does something with the fucking(32) question, let it fucking(33) go!
Jason: Keep trying Justin!
Scott: Objection overruled.
Jake: Yeah, really. Uh, Mr. D had you during this time, taken a personal finance class before, or during the time the incident took place?
Jason: No.
Jake: Then why the hell do you think Carmen would come to you then for help with it?
Jason: I have no clue.
Scott: Hmm...
Jake: Mr. D, do you carry condoms with you?
Jason: No, I don't.
Jake: Do you have one on you now?
Jason: No, I don't.
Jake: Does your family have any that you could gain access to?
Justin: Uh, no, I don't; but I have some in my drawer. In my sock drawer.
Jake: An-and how many do you have here?
Jason: I had three, now I have two.
Jake: So you-you did tell Mr. Lindland that you were, in fact, wearing protection when the incident occurred?
Jason: Uh, yeah.
Jake: Okay, what color and brand was the condom?
Jason: What!?
Jake: If you know how many you have, you should be able to answer what color and brand it was.
*Jason looks to Justin for answers... so Jake looks at Justin and says...*
Jake: And don't fuckin'(34) give him answers ya fat bitch(35)!
Scott: In other words, I'm gonna throw your ass(36) outta court.
Jake: Yeah! I'm tired of this. C'mon!
Justin: Objection, your Honor!
Scott: Objection over what?
Justin: This has no relavence over... over this case.
Jake: I am trying to make a point that he is not remembering---
Justin: He grabbed one! How would he know!? He just grabbed it and ripped it up; hey, I wanna have sex! Yeah!
Jake: Now shut up and let me answer. Your Honor, all he seems to remember is the big picture. We had sex, we did homework. That's about it. He doesn't remember anything else. Now a person that had sex would remember all of these details.
Justin: Would you?
Jake: Probably would!
Justin: If you were getting a BJ from some chick would you--
Scott: But you would remember what led up to it!
Jake: Ever second!
Scott: You would remember what led up to it! You just don't know the big-, oh, it happened, woooo. Objection freakin' overruled again.
Jason: You wanna know the details!?
Jake: I didn't ask you the details, bastard(37). Shut up! Okay... uh, I won't ask you any of those, I'll get you off that... Mr. D, do you know whether or not I was working on the day in question?
*There is a long pause as Jason thinks...*
Jason: No you weren't.
Jake: You don't actually have any idea, do you? You're guessing, aren't you?
Jason: Yes, I am.
Jake: Uh, your Honor, I have state's exhibit "A" right here. This is a letter-- this is a letter signed by--
Justin: That you typed up.
Jake: Signed by my owner, that uh, *hands one to Jason and then remembers the defendant doesn't GET to have one* Wait a minute, actually, you don't get one. I'll take the other one. Uh, that uh, says that I not working, uh, the night in question. Mr. D, why weren't you at my house on this particular day?
Jason: Uh, because she called me Sunday night and asked if she could come over Monday, which is the day you asked me to come over, to help her with homework.
*Everyone begins talking at once...*
Scott: Ah, I've even got a problem with this now.
Jason: Okay, Monday-- she called Sunday, and asked me if I could help her after school Monday.
Scott: Even I've got a problem with this.
Jason: Monday at school, you asked me to come over, I said, "Sorry, I'm busy."
Scott: Okay, wait a minute, right before that, now what she-- now she called you up when and asked you?
Jason: Sunday night.
Scott: Okay, I got a problem with this.
Jason: She says, "I need help with homework."
Scott: I have a big problem with this.
Jason: What?
Scott: Because-- why-why would she have homework when we just, when we just, uh, been going through freakin' Christmas break? We had no school. No one should have HAD any homework then.
Jason: Maybe she waited until the last minute to get it done!
Scott: Oh, I really seriously doubt that because--
Justin: Objection, your Honor!
Scott: What's the objection?
Jake: You can't object to a judge's question, ya idiot!
Scott: You cannot object against me, you retard. Only against a lawyer.
Justin: Why not!? He's like, lying the other statements and all the crap.
Jason: What's that word? Damn it! Is procrastination...
Justin: ...a crime?
Jason: Yeah.
Scott: I don't even know what the hell that means.
Jake: Procrastination: You put everything off until the last minute.
Scott: Yes... no, but...
Jake: Okay, but lying is a crime and he's on trial.
Justin: He did not lie.
Scott: But that doesn't make any sense to come out all the sudden she's called you up Sunday night and says come over.
Jason: Well, I don't know either!
Scott: Especially after we came over-- especially after we came off-- we'd just gotten, getting over Christmas break. Most people tend to not have homework. She had all that time to do it.
Jake: Okay.
Jason: I don't know why.
Jake: Okay, we'll move on then
*Everyone begins talking at once again...*
Jake: Okay, l-let's move past this. Okay, now, Mr. D, given an average of ten days that I don't work, let's say that w-we have school in fact, but of ten days that I don't work, how many of these days do you suppose that you and I would get together, either at my house or your house, or go someplace and do something? Out of ten days.
Jason Eight or nine.
Jake: Eight or nine. 80 or 90% of the time. Now out of the days that we don't do something, how many of those days do you spend with your family?
Jason: Uh... none, 'cuz they're at work.
Jake: But what about Fridays? They don't work Fridays, do they? They get off early or something?
Justinn: Yeah, but he's usually at your house.
*There is confusion in the courtroom*
Jason: Uh... no.
Jake: What about Sundays? Wha-what if I had uh, I decided to--
Jason: Okay, yeah on Sundays.
Jake: So about 10% of those days you would be spending time with your family also?
Jason: I guess.
Jake: So you're trying to me that this incident occurred during maybe the window of 0 to 10% of the days that you're not at my house this incident just happened to occur?
Jason: Yes!
Justin: Objection, your Honor!
Scott sighs...
Scott: What now?
Jake: Jesus Christ!
Justin: He had sex. And you can't prove he can't.
Jason: Wait!
Scott: Well that's big time overruled. *Pounds gavel*
Jason: I object to that! I object to that!
Scott: You can't even over-object this.
Jason: He-he said... *Jason laughing*
Justin: I said that he had sex and you can't prove that...
Jason: .. he can't. I object to that. It's not that I can't, it's that...
Scott: I know, that didn't make any sense! Oh! I didn't know you can't have sex! *Pounding gavel*
*Everyone begins laughing and talking at once...*
Scott: This is a first! This-- no, no wait a minute! This is a first though!
Justin: That's not what I meant!
Scott: The defendant objecting to his freakin' lawyer, man! I gotta applaud that! That's good! I like that! That's a first. The defendant objecting to his lawyer. That was good. That was good. And he makes a valid statement! And I feel that the defendant's objection is sustained! *pounds gavel*
Jason: Yeah!
*Everyone laughing again...*
Scott: Because it's not whether he can't, it's whether or not he did.
Jake: Mr. D--
Justin: Yes he did get his--
*Jake turns to Justin...*
Jake: Shut the hell up! Mr. D, you testified today that you got a BJ (Blow Job) from Carmen, is that correct?
Jason: Yes.
Jake: Now, did you not tell me when we were on the phone, that nothing else happened? That you just had sex?
Justin: Objection, your Honor. When he had-- when I asked him if he had a BJ--
Jake: This has nothing to do with you! Shut up! I'm just asking this question here.
Scott: pounds gavel Overruled.
Jake: Yeah.
Scott: Just shut up. I- from now on--
Justin: Objection, your Honor!
Scott: From now on I am putting a gag order on his objections. Unless... unless they are valid. Unless they even make fucking(38) sense, okay!?
Jason: Damn it! Get on with it!
Jake: I asked you a question, I said, did you not tell that nothing else happened except for the two positions that you had during sex?
Jason: Yes, I did.
Jake: Wha-? So, so now you can't even tell the truth!
Jason scoffs at the statement
Jake: We put you under oath, and now you can't even tell the truth!
Justin: Objection, your Honor! He said it now, he just didn't want to say it later, er, later...
Scott: No, no, no, no, no! Now wait a minute!
Jason: *Jason whispers* Badgering!
Justin: He didn't want to have--
Scott: He is not badgering him because, he's proving a point. Because one minute he's-- now whoa no! Because, either, 'cuz if you know what you're doing, you know whether you did it or not. He said, now earlier he said that he had had sex, he can tell them he did that. Why would you be any embarrassed about saying you had sex? What's the difference?
Justin: Because... I don't know. He just said that--
*Everyone begins talking at once...*
Scott: I have another, I have another point to make! Okay, he said he had sex within five minutes. How could he do-- and he had two positions in five minutes. Now how the hell could you have a BJ and all that within five minutes!? I don't think so!
Jason: That happened first, and then sex!
Scott: But still, how could you get all of that done within five minutes!? I think that's a load of crap!
Jason: The BJ wasn't counted in the five minutes!
Justin: Actual sex he had it for five minutes.
Scott: But according to him-- now according to him, when he called up Jake, he did not have a BJ! So it was just sex, so he's lying!
Justin: No, he's not.
Scott: Yes, he is.
Jason: Uh, excuse me! But my parents were in the other room when I was calling him.
Scott: So?
Jason: Or, when he called me. I didn't want to blab out everything!
Scott: Like they're gonna hear you.
Jason: They will.
Scott: Sure.
Justin: He had a paper wall.
Jake: *to Justin...* Why don't you sit the hell down?
Scott: Objection...
Jake: Your objection was--
*Scott pounds gavel as he says...*
Scott: Overruled, overruled, overruled.
Justin: That's because he's your best friend!
Scott: No, no, because your points don't make any freakin' sense!
Justin: Neither does his!
Scott: Yes, they do!
*Justin begins mumbling things quietly to himself...*
Scott: I'm really glad you're not-- I'm really glad you're not going to be a lawyer, man. You would suck. You just bite.
Jason: Hey! He's doing pretty good! Leave him alone!
Scott: No, he's not, man. I mean, his objections doing make any sense--
Justin: You're objecting, I mean, overruling to everything I say.
Scott: That's because I had to because you freakin' don't make any sense! You-your over-- your objections aren't valid--
Jason: Shut the hell up and get on with it!
Scott: -- and are stupid.
Justin: I don't think so.
Scott: Anyways, get on, get on with your thing.
Jake: Mr. Dumolt, is there any other information that you would care to change now that you are up here, under oath?
Jason: Nope, it all stands.
Jake: I have no further questions.
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