Scott: The Honorable Judge Frazier! And I get to carry my gavel! I rule! Yes!
Jake: Raise your right hand.
*Scott raises his left hand...*
Justin: Right hand!
Jake: Raise your right hand!
Scott: I don't wanna raise my frickin' right hand, man!
Jake: Uh, do you swear to tell truth, and other truth, an' more truth until you die?
Scott: Damn right, I do!
Jake: Cool!
Justin: God, what it wrong with your hand?
Jake: Oh, boy. Uh, Mr. Frazier, how long have you known the defendant?
Scott: Uh, is this a trick question?
Jason: Objection!
Scott: Uh, about two years.
Jake: So you've known him longer than Justin or I have?
Scott: Yes, I have.
Jake: So you would say, then, that out of the group of us, you would be the best expert on Mr. Dumolt and his behavior?
Scott: Yes, I would.
Jake: Okay, Mr. Frazier, has Mr. D ever made fun of you, or, made specific fun of your mom?
Scott: Oh, yes, he has. Very much so.
Jake: Does he do this often?
Scott: Yes, he does. Every chance he gets.
Justin: Objection! Objection! What does this have to do with what he did?
Jake: Your Honor--
Scott: This is bringing to the point of whether he--
Jake: Hey, I get to say it, buttmunch!
Scott: Oh yeah, that's right, you do. Ha ha!
Jake: Your Honor, I am trying to throw the mind, er, say that, that uh, the defendant here has a pattern of behavior where he always does such things and therefore, would lead him to keep contiuing doing this up until now.
Justin: Objection! He's not smart enough to make something like this up.
Jake: Uh, your Honor, his intelligence is not on trial here. It's his ability to lie to us.
Justin: It's exactly! His ability to lie, and he doesn't have any--
Jake: Why don't you bring this up on your case, butthole?
Scott: Objection overruled.
Jason: Aw, damn it.
Justin: It's only beca-- objection! Because, the only reason you're objecting, or, overruling is because he's your best friend!
Scott: He ain't my best friend! My best friend's in freakin' California!
Jason: Yeah!
Justin: Okay, second best friend.
Scott: How do you say he's my second best friend? How do you Jason ain't my second best friend? Cuz I've--
Justin: Cuz you jerk off with him (Jake) more!
Scott: Oh, yeah. No! I am objecting because you ain't bringing up any good points yet.
Jason: Hey! The witness can't object!
Scott: I can too cuz I'm the judge. I can do whatever the hell I want; this is my court.
Jake: Uh, ok. Now, has, uh, Mr. Dumolt ever played any practical jokes on you?
Scott: Hmm... like what?
Jake: I don't fucking(16) know!
*everyone starts laughing*
Scott: I gotta think about that. Outta two years...
Jake: But has he like, ever stolen any of your stuff or hidden any of your stuff or something like that and then laughed 'actcha later about it? When you couldn't find it or something like that?
Jason: That's his department.
Scott: Uh, no he hasn't. That's my department. Damn, sorry.
Jake: Ok, now since you are the foremost expert on Mr. D's behavior, do you believe that his past behavior as a, like a "funny man" uh, makes him capable of, of creating such a lie to, ya know, like a practical joke, just to laugh at us later?
Scott: Yes, I do.
Jake: Ok, now I won't say that I've just uncovered motive, I'll leave that to the judge. No further questions.
*Jake sits down*
Scott: Would you like to cross-examine my ass(17)? Ha ha!
Justin: Yes, I would.
Scott: Ok, baby, here we go! Woooo!
Jason: What is this!? Porno... uh, porno...
Scott: This is porno court! Hey, this is sex court, man! What the hell do you care? Anyways...
Justin: How much of a friend are you to Jason?
Scott: Pretty good, I'd say.
Justin: Pretty good?
Scott: Damn right. I know him inside and out. *everyone laughs*
Justin: And has he ever lied to you?
Scott: Yes he has.
Justin: And, uh, how many times has he lied to you and about what?
Scott: Hmm... let's see, what has he lied to me about... let me think... hmm, this could take a while... let's see, what could you have lied to me about...?
Jason: Ha! He doesn't know!
Scott: I've got to think, you know, this could take a while. Let's see how many things I can come up with. *after a pause of a few moments* I didn't-- it's been two years, man, I mean, shit(18), you think I'm gonna remember things that long!?
Justin: Has he ever come up with a biolo-, or, I can't say it, uh, a trick that was so great, that he stumped you?
Scott: I would have to think about that. Hmm...
Justin: I mean, a lie that, a lie that, you know, like, sayin' that he has a girlfriend, but actually he hasn't? Point taken in this case.
Scott: Well, yeah, actually he has!
Justin: What?
Scott: He lied about Tasha, man. That lyin' son of a bitch(19).
Jason: What??
Scott: Yeah, you know you did. Yes, he did! He said he was gonna, he said he was gonna ask her out for about three weeks, and didn't do it.
Jason: Oh, I did!
Justin: He DID do it.
Scott: Ah, no! No! But he kept saying he was gonna do it every day, "I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it! I promise ya I'll do it!"
Jason: But I did!
Jake: Hey (to Jason), you're not allowed to say anything.
Scott: You're full of shit(20) cuz you did too!
Justin: But, was that a big lie?
Scott: Yes it was a big lie!
Justin: Why was it a big lie?
Scott: Because! Because he tryin--
Justin: It's a small, pathetic lie.
Scott: No, it's not! Because he's trying to make us think he was getting it on with a chick, and he was lying, man! The lyin' bastard!(21)
Justin: That is not the same thing as asking her out.
Scott: Yes it is!
Justin: Having sex with a woman is different than asking her out.
Scott: No, it's not.
Justin: It's not!? So you're saying that having sex with a woman is not different from asking her out?
Scott: HELLLLL NO! Not when it comes to him!
Justin: So you saying-- oh my god, he's an idiot!
Scott: No, I'm not. He's (to Jason) the idiot.
Justin: I have no further questions.
Scott: Thank god! Okay! You got any more witnesses?
Jake: Uh, at the moment the prosecution rests but I would like to reserve the right to recall any witness just in case, you know, at the very end.
Scott: Okay. (to Justin) Do you have any more witnesses?
Justin: I call...
*Jason and Justin whisper to each other*
Justin: I call Jason Dumolt to the stand.
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