Scott: *looking through some papers* Ok, let's see... what does this little dumbass(11) thing say?
Jake: Uh, it probably doesn't say much of anything.
Scott: Well, does anybody have any freakin' witnesses to bring up?
Jake: Uh, don't I get to go first, buttmunch?
Scott: Well, yeah, but dontcha have any witnesses? Do you have any witnesses to bring up? Do you have any witnesses??
Jake: Yeah, uh, the state calls Justin Lindland to the stand.
Justin: I-- objection!
Scott: You cannot--, No objections! Overruled! Over-freakin'-ruled! Get your ass(12) up there!
Justin: Yeah, but I'm the uh, defense.
Scott: I don't care! I'm the freakin'-- overruled! Get up there!
Justin: Yes, my mom.
Jake: Haha! Your mom.
Justin: My mom's lover.
Scott: I will kick your ass(13), so shut up, I'm the judge. I will waffle your ass(14).
Jake: Uh, raise your right hand, and put your other hand on the Bible. Do you swear to whole truth, the whole, uh, the something else truth, and other truth, too?
Justin: Yeah.
Scott: So help you, and if you lie to us, we will kick your ass(15)! *picking up the "holy Bible", otherwise known as "Mars and Venus on a Date"* This is the holy grail. *everyone talking at once* This is even holier than the Bible. That's our holy Bible for us.
Jake: Uh, Mr. Lindland, how long have you known the defendant?
Justin: Uh, a year.
Jake: Okay, and since you've known the defendant, has he ever made fun of you or played any practical jokes on you?
Justin: None that I'm aware of.
Jake: WHAT!? Doesn't he not always make fun of your weight, all the time??
Justin: Except that.
Jake: Well, doesn't that constitute as being made fun of?
Jason: Objection!
Scott: *to Jason* Shut up, you cannot object, you have to have your lawyer.
Justin: *to Jake's question* Yes, but you always make fun of me, and I don't take it as a big thing.
Jake: I'm not on trial here, Mr. Lindland. *everyone chuckles* Now, was it not Mr. D who placed a sandwich in the coapocket of your coat last week?
Justin: I do not know who did that. He said it was you.
The following was stricken from the official record, but you can read it here.
Jake: No, no, I just gave him the idea.
Scott: That is insubstantial evidence. I'm sorry, but that will be stricken from the record.
Jake: Aw, damn it. Okay.
End of the stricken record.
Jake: Would you say that he (Jason) makes fun of you very often then?
Justin: As all of my friends do.
Jake: Uh, that's not what I asked you, sir. Would you please stick to the question?
Jason: Objection!
Scott: Answer the question.
Jason: Objection!
Jake: On what grounds?
Scott: No, I'm supposed to say, "On what grounds?"
Jason: Uh, what was the question again?
Jake: None of your damn-- you guys can't object to--
Scott: Not only that, but the defendant cannot object!
Justin: But he's badgering the witness!
Scott: No he is not! Overruled!
Jason: Damn it!
Scott: You may continue his quesitoning because he is not badgering him.
Jake: Yeah! So does he make fun of you often? How often? Give me an estimate of how many times a day he makes fun of you.
Justin: Well, lunch time and after school.
Jake: So you'd say he does it a lot?
Justin: Yeah.
Jake: Do you believe your client then, because he does this all the time, is capable of making up this terrible lie for the express reason of playing a big practical joke on us?
Justin: No.
Jake: I have no further questions, your honor.
Scott: You may step down.
Jake: He doesn't have to, but he doesn't get to cross-examine himself?
Scott: Well, no, I don't think so. Do you have any more--, do you have any witnesses?
Jake: Uh, yes, your Honor. The uh, state calls Scott Frazier to the stand.
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