First, a little bit about the people involved. The case focuses on the night of January 5th, 1998, whereupon the defendant, Jason D., claimed to have had sex with a girl (although it was an UGLY one!). D's appointed defender, Justin Lindland, was given the job because he was in favor of D's side. The prosecutor, Jake Cunningham, set out to prove D was lying by throwing his character into question; and finally, Scott Frazier, although somewhat biased against D before the case started, promised to give a fair ruling, depending upon the evidence presented...
Jake: This is The State versus Jason D, and it will now come to order or something. The honorable, Scott whatever the hell his middle name is Frazier, or whatever presiding.
Scott: Yeah! He pumps himself up! Suck it up! Yeah! I'm the judge! Ok! Oh yeah, you gotta stand up!
Jake: We do?
Scott: No, I got to. *pounds gavel*
Justin: Dude, you're gonna break the--
Scott: Shut up, bunghole! I have read the states complaint and--
Justin: I haven't.
Scott: Shut up!
Jake: *to Justin* You can't talk!
Scott: Shut up! This is the judge speaking! I will hold your ass(1) in contempt of court. Mister Prosecutor, are you prepared to make your opening statement?
Jake: Uh, yes your Honor, I am.
Scott: Well, then, get your ass(2) up here and do it!
Jake: Your Honor, what we have here is a case of a troubled young man. Years and years of not scoring have made him come to believe that this lie of him scoring has come to fruitation. Now I want you to remember when presiding this case, that it is only a civil trial, which means that you only have to favor 51% of my favor in order for me to win. If it's 50% or-- *Justin raises hand and prepares to speak* Shut up! You can't raise your hands or ask questions!
Scott: No, you cannot ask questions during an opening statement!
Jake: Yeah! Shut up, dumbass!(3)
Scott: You will get your chance.
*Justin begins whispering to Jason*
Jake: You can't whisper during the opening statement, either, ya dumbass!(4)
Scott: *pounding gavel* I will have order in my freakin' court! Order!
Justin: Objection!
Jake: *beginning to laugh* You can't object--
Scott: I'll give you a fucking(5) objection!
Jake: I haven't even finished my opening statement, then you can--!
Scott: Ok, everyone, let's get this court under... uh, whatever.
Jake: I would just like you to remember 51% in my favor, and that, I do not believe that this is actually this young man's fault that he's such a dork and a dumbass(6) and has these dillusional states. But uh, I believe that that is the case now, and I intend to prove it.
Scott: Ok, now--
Justin: *raising hand again* What is pruitation?
Jake: Fruitation?
Justin: Pruitation, or whatever.
Jake: Fruitation.
Justin: Fruitation?
Jake: Yes.
Justin: What does it mean?
Jake: Comes to be. You know, it's like you have a nothing and then it-it, in the- fuck!(7) I don't know! You use it in the sentence and it works!
Scott: Now you may make your opening statement.
Justin: Today, Jason D has been wrongly accused of not having sex, on January 5th, of '98. That's about it.
*The courtroom bursts into laughter*
Scott: Ok, I'll go to my chambers.
Justin: Uh, and he and sex... for five minutes... or six; in two positions. One, in the doggy-style, and two, is normal. And... uh... and we have some cum(8) stains, and some of Carmen's pubic hair.
Scott: pounding gavel* I'm sorry, but I will not admiss that crap in court.
Jason: Hey! No using names!
Jake: Well, too late now. It's not like anyone who's ever going to hear this is gonna know her.
Justin: End of my statement.
Scott: Sit your ass(9) down, you dumbass(10).
By the way, the ()'s are used to denote the number of times a swear word is used. Words such as hell, damn and bunghole are omitted from this list.
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