A koala bear walks into a bar. He tells the bartender "Im not from
around here, where's all the women at?" The bartender points to a woman
leaning against the other end of the bar and says "she'll show you a
good time". So the koala goes up to the woman and says "Hey you wanna go
mess around?" She says "OK, let's go up to my hotel room." So they go up
to her hotel room, and she throws him on the bed and starts fondling and
kissing him. He grabs her and flips her over on her back and starts to
go down on her. He does this for about a half hour and she moans and
groans with pleasure, then all of a sudden he jumps up and starts to
head towards the door. She says "Wait a minute you can't leave yet you
still owe me money!" The koala bear gives her a confused look and says
"For what" She says you have to give me money, Im a prostitute. He asks
what is a prostitute? So she gets a dictionary out of the drawer and
shows him where is defines prostitute: PROSTITUTE: A woman who recieves
money for sexual favors. The koala bear says, oh yeah well look at this.
He flips to the page with the definition of koala bear, it says:
KOALA: A small furry animal that eat's bushes and leaves!!!
From sparks@nothnbut.net (David's TV)
Things I've Learned From My Children:
1. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
2. A four-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words uh-oh, it's already too
late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
7. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
8. Duplos will not.
9. Play-doh and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
10. Super glue is forever.
11. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
12. Ditto Tarzan.
13. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jello.
15. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though
television commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
20. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
21. The fire department in San Diego has at least a five minute response
time.
22. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
23. It will however make cats dizzy.
24. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
25. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
26. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
my niece ...Andi
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
The Lone Ranger and his faithful Indian companion Tonto were riding through the arrid desert. All at once, they came upon a
small town, and as Silver the horse was beginning to pant, The Lone Ranger decided to stop for refreshment.
The Lone Ranger asked Tonto to run around Silver flapping his arms to cool the horse off, while he went into the saloon for
some water.
A minute later, a man came into the saloon and asked the Lone Ranger if that was his horse outside. "Yes," said The Lone
Ranger.
"Well," said the man. "You've left your injun running."
As Ethel walked up to the bus stop, she noticed the man with the orange for a head. Being a curious bint, she had to ask,
"How did you come to have an orange for a head?"
"Well," said the man, "The strangest thing happened last week. I was walking past this old shop when I noticed this lamp. I
bought it, gave it a rub and this genie popped out and granted me three wishes!"
"Go on," Ethel said, getting interested.
"For my first wish I asked for an expensive mansion with 500 rooms," said the man. "And suddenly, there it was!"
"Really?" said Ethel.
"Yes," he said. "For my second wish I asked for a swimming pool full of beer, and suddenly, there it was!"
"And what did you ask for your third wish?" asked Ethel
"For my third wish," he said, "I asked for an orange instead of a head."
A man walks into a bar with a meat pie on his head. After the man's had a few pints the barman says, "I'm sorry mate, I'm
going to have to ask. Why do you have a meat pie on your head?"
The man replies, "Oh, I always wear a meat pie on my head on Tuesdays."
"But it's Wednesday!" replies the barman.
The man looks shocked and says, "Oh no, I must look a right twat!"
A farmer rings up the vet and says "two of me chickens have stopped laying'"
The vet says "really, how do you know?"
The farmer says "I just ran over the bastards in me tractor."
Headache remedy: Put your head through the window and the pane will be gone.
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished
her first batch she to the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the
photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to
console her, said,
"Don't worry, someday your prints will come".
I once had a frightening encounter in a bar in Alabama over Polish jokes. I was with a friend who I didn't realize got mouthy
when he drank. He started telling Polish jokes. I tried to silence him because I was afraid he would offend someone. Sure
enough, before I could shut him up, a very large, very drunk man walked to our table and explained he was Polish and was
proud of his heritage and did not like the jokes. The bouncer saw what was happening and made the man leave. After about
20 minutes I decided it was time to get my friend out of there. As I was trying to unlock my car door in the parking lot I heard
a voice behind me say, "I've been waiting for you sons of bitches." When I turned around the man was behind me with a razor
in his hand. You cannot begin to imagine the relief I felt when I realized he didn't have any place to plug it in.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to
his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom.
The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals.
There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill,
and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."
