.if not for me.
I sat in the reclining chair, watching all the nurses hustle and bustle around me. Three days in the clinic and already I had gained five pounds, and was more than ready to go home. Mainly I kept to myself. I knew everyone there looked at me like i was pathetic. Pathetic little Hanson boy that had the perfect life, and was spoiled. I could see it in there eyes whenever they looked at me.
The next day I was going to have a vsit from my family, which I didn't look forward to. You could only have visits on Sunday, so I dreaded those days. Hopefully I could get out soon so I could go back to avoiding the whole family again.
"Taylor," A nurse spoke, "Its lunch time, come on."
"I'm not hungry." Spilled out of my mouth. I knew they wouldn't go for it. But, I had to try.
"Right," She sighed, "Get up," She ordered. I sighed, and stood up. I walked slowly to the cafeteria, and sat down at a lunch table. There were four other males at the tabl with me. It wasn't very common for males to have eating disorders, so it wasn't a very highly populated place.
A plate of food was set down in front of me, along with a nurse next to me. The disadvantage of not having many people in the place was the fact that there was a nurse for every patient. So, my assigned nurse sat next to me, practically shoving the fork full of food in my mouth, and then making sure I chewed and swallowed it, and didn't attempt to spit it out into my napkin.
There was no excercising in this place. You couldn't even take a shower or bath by yourself. You had to have someone in the room with you, watching. You couldn't pee in privacy, you had someone next to you at all times. All you could do was sleep, watch TV, or play games. Needless to say I was more than depressed. I could feel it wasn't helping. All it was doing was making me gain eight, which when I got out, I would try to lose again anyways.
The next day I sat, my arms crossed over my chest as my family sat around me. All knew something was wrong, yet they all tried to avoid it, and fake their own happiness. I answered each question they had with a simple 'yes' or 'no' and played good boy for them. Zac was the only one who wasn't faking happiness. He was just sitting, keeping to himself. His head hung low, staring at the floor the whole time.
Zac was the only one I knew this all trully bothered. He was the only one who I could tell actually cared. Sure, they all CARED, but for wrong reasons. Isaac and my father cared because it was hurting the group's status, and making them look bad. my mom cared because she looked like the bad mother. As for the other kids, they were too young to truly understand. Zac, I could see it in his eyes. I could see the hurt. That hurt me worse than anything I was putting myself through. Just to see him look at me with that pleading look, wanting to know why I was doing this to myself, and why he couldn't help me.
I looked at Zac, and for a moment he glanced up and our eyes met. That hurt was there. His eyes were blood shot, from crying...maybe. I wasn't sure. I hadn't seen him in the past couple of days. But to go along with the blood shot eyes were dark black circles under them. He wasn't getting any sleep. I smiled slightlly at him, but he just dropped his head back into the staring at the floor position. I sensed the tears threatening in my eyes, and I fought hard to make them go away. There was no way I was going to cry in front of them.
From that point on, I vowed to myself to try to get better. If not for myself, but for Zac. So I didn't have to see the hurt in his eyes anymore. So he could have an older brother to actually look up to. An older brother that he would actually want to look up to. I was going to shock these people, and actually make a real attempt to better myself. So that I could get out of this clinic early, and surprise everyone. That was my vow.
.home.sweet.home.
.home.
