It's been a year since I actually spoke the name of my lost baby girl, who, by the way, Taylor and I decided on naming: Morgyn Taylour Hanson. She would of been one year old, today, you know. June 16th, 2005. I'm twenty two and I'm probably the saddest person in the Hanson family. Taylor is being strong, he's been keeping himself busy with Chase's birthday party. It's a big family affair, and everyone is getting involved. Everyone but me, I've just been sitting in the corner of Zac and Davey's gorgeous back yard, the sun beating down on my feet. I was plopped in a white anarondac chair, under a grape vine, my face shielded from the sunlight and sorrow-filled gazed by an orange visor I bought a week ago.
Not much has changed since my baby died, Taylor and I are still together and going quite strong. We're suppose be married in October, and that day seems so far away, probably because I've been fantasizing about that day since I was fifteen years old. The months seem to be flying by, but this month seems to be the slowest, by far the saddest. Yesterday morning Taylor woke me up with breakfast in bed, and in my cereal box, there was a ring. It was a silver band, to wear with my engagement ring, it had the June birthstone lining the entire ring, and inside the band Morgyn Taylour Hanson, June 16th, 2004 was engraved inside it. Taylor told me that I was the strongest person he would ever know, and he loved me with all his heart, he was sure Morgyn would of loved me just as much. I cried all afternoon yesterday, and I laid in bed all day, until I had to clean up for dinner with Davey and Zac, December and Isaac, and Chase. Chase talked about Morgyn sometimes, I guess Zac and Davey wanted everyone to remember Morgyn, although no one knew her.
At Zachary and Davey's wedding, they married two months ago, Chase was with them at the altar, and he held a deep red velvet pillow with a daisy on in, Morgyn's name engraved on a silver ring that Zac now wears around his neck. Davey says that Zac loved Morgyn the way everyone loved Morgyn, and that he cried almost every night for me and Taylor, and the pain we had to endure. But what pain? You can possibly feel pain when your numb almost everyday of your life, or atleast when you lay down in bed every night, wide awake for hours, imaging the breath of your baby, as she lay in the silent room next to you. That's pain, that's being numb in your heart forever. That's the agony of life, and guess who has to pretend like it doesn't hurt? Me. Taylor does hide it well, though, I truly praise him for being such a great actor toward everyone. I've caught him lying awake at night, tears gleaming in his eyes, as he muttered words to a lullaby he and Isaac wrote for our baby.
"Aunty Mandy! Aunty Mandy, come quick!" Baby Chase shrieked from across the yard, waving his little chubby arms in the air, his dirty blonde hair flapping in the breeze. He had a head full of curly dirty blonde hair, with the most amazing crystal colored eyes, and the most perfect smile. He was going to be a heart breaker, I could almost guarantee that.
"What is it baby?" I asked, slightly lost in my pool of sorrows, as I got up and slowly approached him by the swing set. His head was lowered, and he was squatting down, his hands hovering over something, as if trying to protect him.
"It's a kitty." Chase squealed, scouting over so I could kneel down beside him. He grabbed my hand and brought me over to the kitten's body. "He's orange, Aunty Mandy! Can you believe it, he's orange."
"Yeah, Chase, your right." I replied, my fingers running over the kitten's soft fur. I bet the kitten was abandoned by its mother, estranged from her family for no reason by nature. "Let's go show your Mommy and Daddy."
"Okay!" Chase replied in a slow whisper, as he held out his shaking hands and carefully lifted the kitten into his hands. "Mommy! Daddy!" he shrieked, a huge smile on his face, as he held the kitten tight against his chest and rushed toward the patio where Zac was. "Daddy, look!"
"What is that?" Zac questioned, stepping off the patio and kneeling down in front of his son. "Where did you get him?"
"Over by the swing set." I replied, placing my hand on Chase's head, running my fingertips over a few stray blonde curls, smiling. "Isn't he cute?"
"Yeah, he's real pretty." Chase giggled, handing the kitten over to his father, "Can I keep him daddy? Please?" I laughed when I saw the questionable look on Zac's face, and I knew right then that Chase was going to grow up and be just like him. And if that's the case, Zac knew to let the boy keep the kitten, because sooner or later Chase would realize he could sneak that kitten into the house, no problems.
"I think it's homeless, Zac." I purred, trying to persuade Zachary to show Davey the kitten so she could fall hopelessly in love with it.
"Nah, he's not homeless." Zac smiled, standing up and holding the kitten in his right hand, against his chest, as he walked up the steps. "Davey, sweet-heart c'mere."
- -
Davey and Zac met in the doorway, and I had to get up on the steps to see what Davey's reaction was, only to hear her cry out with happiness. "She's so gorgeous. How cute is that, look her, she's purring already." Davey cooed, taking the kitten from Zac and holding it high, so it was even with her nose. "Your just too cute to say no too."
"Chase, we're keeping her. Come over here and think of a name." Zac called to his son, who rushed by me and jumped right in front of his father, gazing gap-mouthed at his mother who was keeping the cat for far to long, as far as he was concerned.
- - - -
I let out a sigh, a smile following after, as I turned away and walked toward the other end of the patio, where Taylor and Isaac were barbecuing. Mr. and Mrs. Hanson, along with Jessica, December and Avery were all seated around the umbrella covered patio table. They all looked at me when I walked by, not stopping their conversation. As I walked by December's chair, she looked at her watch, sighed outloud, stood up and retreated quickly into the house. What was that about, I wondered as I approached the grill. I bit my lower lip as I walked up directly behind Taylor, who held a steak knife in one hand, and a spatchala in the other. I kissed the back of his neck softly, for a quick second, and wrapped my arms around his waist, my right hand rubbing across his chest.
"Hey baby, how are you doing?" He asked, turning his head toward me. I lifted my head, and rested my chin on his shoulder, kissing the side of his face.
"Better, I think. I'm just taking it all in."
"Yeah, me too. We're gonna go home after he opens the presents, alright? I think we need to spend the night alone." Taylor whispered, turning his body toward me, my arms still wrapped around him. He took me in his arms, holding the barbecuing utensils out of reach, as he kissed my forehead, then my nose.
"Okay, that's fine." I tilted my head up to catch his mouth, and as he leaned close to kiss me, I pulled away and smiled at him, "Make sure you bring that spatchala, that could be fun."
"Haha, very funny. C'mon, kiss the cook." He hugged me as close as he could without poking me with the steak knife, and he maneuvered his mouth directly on top of mine. I pulled away again, not giving him the satisfaction of my kiss.
"Okay, I will." I snickered at him, as I pulled completely out of reach and went over to Isaac, who was sampling the macaroni salad. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.
"What was that for?" Isaac, with a raised eyebrow, questioned me.
"I had to kiss the cook." I looked at Taylor, who was laughing and smiling broadly. He shook his head, and was about to say something, when he stopped and looked, dumbfounded at the patio doorway, behind Isaac and I. I tilted my head, and saw December standing in the doorway, tears streaming down her face, a tissue in hand. "Hey, what's wrong?" I asked her, removing my arms from around her boyfriend's neck and approaching my best friend.
"Nothing," she whispered low in her throat, "Hey guys, guys," she called loudly, over the music that was playing and the loud chatter that was quickly hushed. "I have news." Oh god, my heart fell to the pit of my stomach. I went over to Taylor, and as he put the steak knife down, I quickly caught his hand and squeezed it.
"What's going on?" Isaac asked, standing with a big spoonful of macaroni salad still in his hand.
"Are you alright, December, sweetie?" Mrs. Hanson called from her seat at the table. December nodded. "Then why are you crying?"
God, I wonder what she could be crying for. After all, she did run in the house, but that was bearly five minutes ago. I mean, I know all too well how happy you can be one second, and how fatally sad you can be the next, but what was the cause behind her tears, and yet, her smile? I leaned close to Taylor, and he brought me in front of him, wrapping his arms around me, resting his chin on my shoulder.
"I love you." he whispered, as he kissed my ear. I smiled.
"I know." I replied, hushing him because I saw December open her mouth to speak.
"I'm pregnant."
End of Days?
Ever Lonely [[ novel one: part one of Creation Called Fate ]]
Hand -in- Hand [[ novel two: part two of Creation Called Fate ]]
This Time Around: Smile [[home]]
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