I turned toward Matt, smiling. "She's getting married." I told him, placing my hot cocoa down on the table. It was 7:30 in the morning, and I wasn't suppose to start work until 9:00 today, but I guess not huh? I was starting to feel my body tingle with excitement.
"Ilana? Is she really?" he asked, not looking up from his animal science book. He's been reading that thing for weeks, and if that were me, I would have finished 8 hours after buying it.
"Yep."
"To a women?" he asked me, his crystal eyes finally meeting my gaze. I forced myself to let my heart flutter at the sparkles that glistened in the corners of the blue specks. It's been three years we've been together, and slowly, although I don't want to admit it, I wasn't feeling that breathless, throat drying feeling as much as I did years ago.
"No. To a man." I laughed as his eyebrow perked up, "Hun, of course she's marrying a women. She came out years ago."
"After you left?" he asked me, his eyes turning away from me.
"After we left." I told him. I got up, walking toward the bedroom. "Listen, hun, she bought us plane tickets, and called our boss'.," I trailed off, my eyes being weakened by the smile shattering sun beams that glistened through the pastel green curtains. I walked toward my desk, passing my neatly made bed, until I saw the pictures.
Two pictures stood completely erect, neatly framed in silver and green trim. My heart caught in my throat, and I knew that no matter how hard I tried to avoid looking at them, that they had taken me captive, bringing me to the bedside. I plopped on the bed, bouncing up softly as I took the one picture in hand. It was a picture of Taylor and I, just before I had left. His lips were dark pink, and his cheeks and ears flushed with excitement. We were at a radio station appearance together, that was the second of our first Hanson appearance as a 'couple'. I felt tears climb up into my throat, and eyes, threatening to take over. I was so happy back then, so happy to be with someone who devoted his heart and soul to me, so happy to be with someone who had been through thick and thin with me..so happy to be with Taylor. Tears streaming down my face, I placed the picture on my lap as I picked up the other one. It was a picture of the entire Hanson family, and myself. I used to be part of the Hanson family, after my parents died and Kristi was raped, I used to be a Hanson. Now, after devoting myself to Matt so half-heartedly, I could bearly call myself a Hanson. Everyone would call me everyday after I got home from work, and as Jessica grew older, she started to tell me stories of life after I left. For instance, one thing that made me scared to go back to Tulsa, was the fact that a girl, of Oklahoma City moved to Tulsa. Her name was Cassady Aviless, and she was 14 at the time. She had become very close friends with Taylor, and when he started to open up to her, she soaked all it in, egging my house, spray painting it with the horrid words, 'slut', 'hoe', 'bitch', 'liar' and 'tramp'. Thats why, no matter how unhappy and how empty I felt, I never went back. What would she say to me after I go back? What would she say when I stepped into the picture again?
As I started to answer my own questions, the phone rang, shattering my thoughts.
"Mandy, it's for you." No one called me Amanda anymore, it wasn't what I liked. Because Amanda was the one that killed Taylor, Amanda was the one who hurt the one she loved so deeply by jumping on a plane because she couldn't get what she wanted. But, now that I'm going to return as Mandy, I will set everything straight. Maybe bring it all back.
I leaned over, picking up the phone, scared of who it was. Was it my boss, Mr. Doritee, calling to tell me he changed his mind? Would he do that?
"Hello?" someone asked. I almost cried, it felt so good to hear his voice again.
"Hi." I replied, shooken.
"It's me, Isaac."
"I know." Wow, it has been atleast a month since we last talked, ooh, and it hurt so bad. "So, whats up?" I asked him.
"Nothing really," he replied, "I'm so glad your coming back. And I called to give you support."
"Support?" I asked. Does he know? Can he read my mind as he always could?
"Yep. Ilana told me about why you never came back to Tulsa, she told me minutes ago., and I got off to talk to you about that and to tell you that I am coming with Taylor to pick you up at the airport tonight." My heart stopped. No way.
"Oh. Why can't she do it?" I asked him, my hands shaking. My tears were starting to dry up, but my heart was still racing strongly.
"She just got called into work."
"I see."
"Anyway, listen Amanda, I know your scared. I know you are strong, you can stand up to Cassady and all"- I cut him off.
"It's hard to go back to the place you left because you were selfish. My position was replaced. Taylor doesn't miss me. How could he miss me? Amanda? How could he? He doesn't love me, how could he even think of missing me? He has Cassady now, remember?"
"No!" Ike replied, knowing I was crying. "He doesn't have Cass now, they are only friends. They bearly talk anymore! Didn't Zac tell you?"
"Tell me what?" I questioned, hearing a thud across the hall. Matt was coming. No! I wanted to scream, Leave me alone! I sucked in my breath, brushed away my tears, and ran into the bathroom. I locked the door, and heaved against it.
"Cass and I started dating a few months ago?"
"Really?" I exhaled greatly, sighing in relief at his news. I didn't understand myself, why was I so emotional? Isn't the saying true? Out of sight, out of mind?
"Yes. Very much in love actually." he paused, and I heard commotion in the background, "Amanda, we all miss you. We know why you left, you were being over-power by disappointment, and you were scared. Taylor knows you love Matt now, but he's trying to move on. He must still love you, honestly. No one can forget their first love, especially if they left, and comes back three years later." I heard him sniffle, wondering what was going on. I realized then, that it wasn't Isaac sniffling, it was me. I was drowning in tears, and I was being overpowered with Matt. He was outside the door, calling my name softly.
"Mandy?" Matt called. I gasped, backing away from the door. I was scared for myself then. I didn't understand exactly why, but I knew that my heart and body couldn't take so many emotional changes.
"Three years Ike, three years I tried to forget. I can't forget though, and I've tried to reinvent myself so many times. Finally, when I think that I am starting to break myself, and turn away from the Amanda that Taylor behind., I get news that I'm going back. Ilana made it so easy for me," I whispered, starring at myself in the large wall to wall mirror that was beside me.
"Mandy?" Matt called again, just before I heard him sit down. He was either outside the door, sitting in the window seat, or sitting by my desk. He couldn't possibly hear me, so I continued.
"But, I want everyone to know that I am not Amanda who left, I am Mandy, the one who wants to leave this life and restart again."
"Mandy?," Ike questioned, "Are you sure?" I nodded, even though I knew he couldn't see me.
"Yes."
"But what about Matt?" he asked.
"Yes Amanda, what about Matt?" It was Matt, he was standing in the doorway. I gasped, and I heard Isaac swear underneath his breath.
"I'm sorry." I cried, falling to my knees. "I don't know what to do. I know that I love you Matt, but you aren't the same anymore. You've changed-" he cut me off.
"So have you, Mandy. I always knew you really loved Taylor, but what was I do to? I love you, and I'm not about to let you leave to go back to Tulsa to make a fool of yourself. Taylor can't stop me either." he said, his eyes raging.
"He will if he loves me!" I screamed, getting up, "But he doesn't." I whispered.
"Yes he does!" Both Ike and Matt said.
"What'd you say?" I whispered to Matt, gazing at him with teary eyes. What was he talking about? He doesn't know.
"He sends you emails, letters, and calls all the time."
"What?" I cried, "How could you?" I asked him. "How could you?"
"Mandy, I'm sorry. I can't help it if I love you." Matt admitted. "He's been doing it for years, and I've been keeping you apart."
"No." I cried, I can't believe this is happening to me.
"Mandy? What's going on?" Ike asked, he could hear everything Matt and I were saying.
"You left me in pain because you love me? You won't let me go back because you love me? Matt how could you?" I didn't understand what was going on, nothing seemed to make sense at the moment.
"How could I let you go? Your so perfect," he began, tears coming down his face. I had no feelings for him, I realized then, as I saw the love he had in his eyes.
"Ike? Meet me at the airport. I'm leaving now." I told him, hanging up the phone and throwing it at Matt. "You really love me?" I screamed to him as I pushed by him and ran to my closest. I pulled out a duffel bag and placed it on the window seat.
"Amanda, please..." he started, but I cut him off.
"No, you lied to me! You kept me away from someone who loves me, because you were afraid to lose me, seeing you knew I was unhappy. I've been stressed for years, but I love you and didn't want to hurt you by going back. But, I guess love is blind huh?" That was all I had to say to him, he did this to me. He stopped me from being who I always was, from who I always wanted to be. How could someone who possibly loves you so dearly do that to you?
"Mandy," he said, grabbing my arm as I reached out of the closest with an arm full of clothes. "Listen to me, your going to go back there, to a place where no one wants you. Where everyone thinks you are scum, that you're a tramp, a slut, a loser? Where instead you can stay here, where everyone loves and respects you. No one sees you as any lower then royalty up here??" he whispered to me, his breath hot on my neck.
"I may be a slut in other people's eyes, and maybe in Taylor's also. All I know is that I am no longer Amanda, I am Mandy, the one who wants to be known as a slut as long as she is loved by the one who was kept away from her by a creep!" I shrieked, throwing the clothes in the bag, squishing them. With my clothes as packed, I worked my way to my desk, pulling the duffel bag even with the edge of the desk. "A creep who I ran away with because I was a horny teenager who was upset because her boyfriend couldn't give her sex 'cz his parents were very protective of their young hearts." I froze, my arm in mid motion. I replayed my own words in my head, a new emotion clouding my head. I finally started to realize that it was never my fault as much as it was Taylor's. It was my cousins. Duncan Cassandra, the man who raped me, the man who made me crave that sexual desire. The man I never wanted to see again, ever!
Hearing Matt begin to approach me, I snapped back into reality. "I'm sorry Matt." I told him, putting my arm back in motion, forcing all the idems on my desk to fall into the bag. I threw it by the door, leaning down underneath the desk, where a suit-case lie. I pulled it out, hearing Matt sit down on the bed. Out of the corner of my eye, I could his hair fall around his face, shedding his eyes from me. His shoulders trembled, and I knew I had made him cry. But, as much as I thought I love him, it didn't seem to bother me. For, I was going back to Tulsa...back to Taylor.
