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Onto the show!! Taker *gong* comes out and yammers on how the U.S.Of A. is the bestest gosh darn country in the whole wide world, and how he's not the model American, BUT the American Badass!Lots of Redneck cheers. I feel bad for the rest of the world watching this. Then Taker's *gong* music hits and Test rides out on a Japanese motorcycle!! Whoa! Subtlety!!! See?? Uh yeah. I think they fought...the rest of the Unamericans came in...Booker & Goldust ran in...and then Booker challenged them to a Six Man Tag...imagine that! What better way to build up a ppv than with a Six Man?!?! I hate you all.
Tommy Dreamer, GAY Hardy, Stanshaw, Stevie
Richards, Bubba TOUGH, Spike Dudley, Crash Holly &
Johnny the Bull for the HC title
Uncle Eric announces that the 24/7 rule is DEAD
(finally!) and that this battle royal will determine
who the Hardcore Champ is. Whoopadeedoo! Oh, Terri was
in this match, but she bailed. Too bad...ugly bitch.
Maybe a kitchen sink to the face would fix her case of
plastic skank face. Anyhoo...I'm pretty sure Stanshaw
got the first pin...and then chaos...till Crash got
the pin. Basically after that everyone but Crash,
Bubba, Stanshaw, Dreamer and Spike rolled around like
little girls on the outside while we got an
entertaining series of near falls from said
competitors. Dreamer did a nasty nice powerbomb on
Stanshaw, and Crash got put through a table. Dreamer
covered him, and kept the belt! Wooohooo....a HC
Dreamer push. Gosh, I'm glad they realized that he is
one hell of a character. Two.5 stars there. The last 2
minutes had some good moments. Love it.
Legs and Tits argue in the back over Uncle Eric, and we get to see him revel in it in the back. Oh how we all wish we were him. He then tells everyone that NO ONE enjoys Women's wrestling *hearty laugh* and they're gonna have a Bra & Panties match in a mudbowl or something. Yipeee!
Legs vs. Tits
Tits comes out first but gets thrown OFF the stage by
Legs into the vat of brown goo. They both fight in
said goo. Tits gets the pin. She then shoves the Fink
into it with Legs. One star. Whatever.
Rock entertains us when he arrives by telling us about Heyman's subscription to ass fetish weekly. But the girl talking to him tells him he got a fed ex from Heyman. Inside are pictures of the Hulkster getting his ass beat. Rocky cries and leaves. Heyman will be playing the Penguin in an upcoming Batman flick.
The Game-Uh comes out to the ring in a pink polo shirt advertising said gayness. He has a contract clearing him of any assbeating he gives Shawn. Shawn still hasn't signed the papers. Whatever dude...go AWAY!! So then he's blabbering on...and lo and behold....JERICHO COMES TO SAVE US!!! Then he gets belittled by Triple H and attacked with a trash can by Ric Flair. Gawd...Jericho...just go to NWA already!!
Booker, Goldust & Taker *gong* vs. the UnAmericans
I honestly didn't watch this. I was drawing my comic
kids. Sorry...but I DID watch the end cause uh...I
wanted to see something cool. Did it happen? No...but
here's what DID happen: Goldust stops and uppercuts
Storm. When he turns back to Christian, Christian
nails him with the Tag Title belt and pins 1-2-3!
Straight up! Two stars kids...TWO!!!
Backstage RVD is talking to Uncle Eric about his shot when Big Show bitches at Uncle Eric. HE thinks HE should wrestle RVD for the chance to face Benoit. Uncle Eric says no...and RVD calls Show a big stupid tool. Gazoo!! RVD agrees to a match to loosen him up and Big Show gets that anal rapist look in his eye. "mmmmmm...surfer boy!"
Backstage Ugly Skank talks to Flair about his match w/ Jericho. And Flair spouts off on how he needs a lot more experience to EVER get to his level. I miss Mean Gene.
RVD vs. Funaki...I mean Big Show...
RVD goes for the cool ass fakeout with a high kick,
and then attacks Show's knees. It looks pretty cool
until the stoner tries to MONKEY Flip the Big Show.
Show drops his ass, and then he fights to the outside
or something. Show brings in the steel steps and is
about to decimate RVD when Uncle Eric says "NO!! WHAT
ARE YOU DOING!! THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES!!" So
apparently Rosie and Jamal sit around in their hula
skirts until they hear "Three Minutes" and the worms
that Uncle Eric has put into their minds to brainwash
them go into effect turning them into rabid Samoan
engines of DESTRUCTION!! So the Wild Samoans run in,
Pin Big Show's legs with steel steps and the splash
him. Big Show down. Two stars...uh...I dunno if this
was a match or a clusterfuck, but if anyone gets my
reference with the worms came from...the kudos to you!
Coach and Rock do the Usual. He asks Rock about the No D.Q. and we here more about anal insertion. Actually Rocky cut some funny ass imitations of Triple H. Who DOESN'T love Caveman Triple H?!? Captain Caveman, that's who! He was held down by the Game-Unga.
Triple H gets a fax from HBCake with the sig on the contract. The Uncle Eric tells him that his match is NON Sanctioned. Man damn, I better see Triple H throw a fireball or something at Michaels during this match if in "wrestling world" its "Non-Sanctioned."
Fozzy plays...and Lawler makes some BAD outdated comments. Who the FUCK compares FOZZY to the Beatles or the Rolling Stones!?!? Ugh, SHUT UP LAWLER. SHUT UP. Oh Earlier Jericho beat up Flair...sorry, I missed that...so then after that Jericho gets his ass beat and stage destroyed by Flair. Way to build a feud there.
Rock's phone rings but he's already left. Then we see Brock & Heyman walking into the crowd and Heyman leaves Rock a fun voice mail. Uncle Eric then puts security around them
Rock vs. Triple H 9,000 : The Search for Rock
Ok...let the CLOTHESLINE match begin! We get some
trash talking followed by...THREE CLOTHESLINES IN A
ROW...fighting to the outside...BACK IN THE RING FOR
MORE CLOTHESLINE...and just to change it up...FLYING
CLOTHESLINE...NOW I remember why I hate Rocky. Well
inevitably Brock comes to the outside. Rock dispatches
HHH...and tells Brock to bring it. I think HHH hit
Rock with the Sledgehammer. Triple H turns to see
Michaels...Michaels superkicks but Triple H dodges and
he hits Brock. BROCK MAD! HBCAKE GO SQUISH NOW!! Rock
takes down Triple H and then beats down Brock...Brock
runs but Rock runs after him...Triple H is being
escorted out by security...but wait for it...wait for
it....PLANCHA by HBCAKE...well sorta...his foot hit
the rope and he DAMN NEAR ENDED HIS DAMNED CAREER!
DAMN HIM!!! Well yet again....another NO FINISH match.
Whatever. One star. Booooo...The one star for the
HBCAKE PLANCHA.
Raw gets a whopping 5.5. Gosh....where has all the WRESTLING gone?? I guess we get that Sunday. Toodles!
