POLITICAL SCIENCE LESSON

World Ideologies explained by the reference to cows: 


FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with 
everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as
much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn 
with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care 
of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as 
much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells
you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share 
the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes 
all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm
animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets
the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the 
election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair 
"Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep' brains and they go mad. The government
doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when
you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks
the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for
the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill
you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap
with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping
five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven 
cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows,
with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the
phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to
society) bovines of non specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

NATIONALIZATION: The government takes your 2 healthy cows, pays you half price for them and
proceeds to ignore them all the while telling you how well the economy will run with the
profits from them going directly to the services the government is able to provide for you.

PRIVATIZATION: The government wants to sell your sick, old cows back to you at double the price,
all the while telling you how well the economy will run now that the government is not losing
money on them and can put all it's resources into the services it provides for you.

  Some nice jokes:

  Pulled over...
 A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in 
 their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the 
 officer approaches the car.
 
 State cop: "License and registration please."
 Man:  "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
 State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75 mph."
 Man:  "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
 Wife:  "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

 State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
 Man:  "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
 Wife:  "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."

 State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
 Man:  "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
 Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt." 
 Man (yelling): "Listen you dumb *&^*!@^%$!*, shut your *%!@#~$ mouth!!!"
 State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?"
 Wife:  "Only when he's drunk......."



                       They're comin'!!

              Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a 
              gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.
              The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump.
              The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me
              to your leader."
 
              Of course he gets no response. The first alien looks at his buddy 
              then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said take me to your 
              leader."
 
              Of course, still no response. The alien then turns to his buddy and 
              says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least 
              acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him."
 
              At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down 
              on the next block..."
 
              The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to 
              waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. 
              "Earthling take me to your leader."
 
              Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes 
              the pump. The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the 
              alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts 
              himself off, and turns to the second alien, "If you knew that was 
              going to happen, why didn't you warn me?!?"
 
              The second replies, "Well, I didn't know exactly what was going to 
              happen. But there's no way I'm gonna mess with a guy who's dick 
              hangs to the ground, is wrapped around his body twice, and is still 
              long enough to stick in his left ear!!!"


  Sex problem

 Time after time, night after night Tom just couldn't last long while having
 sex with his wife. He felt horrible, he felt like he was disappointing her. 
 She constantly gave him support saying, "Oh, honey, don't worry about it...
 It's all right." 

 He decided that it wasn't "all right" and that he was going to do whatever
 he could to remedy the problem. After a day or two of thought Tom finally 
 came to the conclusion that he would try asking the doctor. The doctor looked
 at him and said, "Believe it or not it's not an uncommon problem, have you 
 ever tried masturbating before you have sex with your wife?" Tom replied
 with a 'no'. "Well," the doctor continued, "if you do, it will take you
 longer to come when you're having sex with your wife." Tom
 smiled and said, "thanks doc, I'll give it a try!" 

 The next day while Tom was at work, he received a call from his wife, she
 was warning him that she was EXTREMELY horny and that she was going to 
 attack him the moment he walked through the door. This got him excited, but 
 then he realised, "Wait, if she 'attacks' me when I walk through the door, 
 then I won't be able to try the doc's suggestion." Tom tried to think of
 somewhere he could go to try his new technique, "Well, I can't do it at my
 desk. Mail room? No, too risky! Restroom? Too risky there too. I know, I'll 
 just pull over on my way home, get under my truck and act like I'm working 
 on it, nobody will know." 

 Tom leaves work and gets about half way home before he decides he's found
 just as good a place as any to do what he must do. He pulls over, gets under
 his truck and starts masturbating, eyes closed imaging that it's his wife
 giving him a hand job. After a few minutes he fells someone hit him on the 
 leg. Startled Tom yells out, "What? Who's there?" A reply came sharply, 
 "I'm the sheriff, mind if I ask what you're doing?" Tom had to think fast, 
 "Oh, there's nothing majorly wrong, it appears I have an oil leak or something, 
 I'm just checking it out." 

 The sheriff replied, "Oh okay... You might want to check your parking brake
 while you're down there... Your truck rolled down the hill 2 minutes ago!" 


                                                   Sick

                                The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work
                                on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss.
                                "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.
        
                                Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week,
                                greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
        
                                The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick,"
                                he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that
                                this is the second Monday in a row.

                                Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works
                                throughout the week, even faster and better than the
                                previous week. 

                                The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick."
                                Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on
                                Tuesday. 

                                Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss
                                calls him into his office.
                                "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard
                                worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've
                                called in sick every Monday." 

                                Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go
                                over to console her every Monday morning before work. One
                                thing leads to another and we end up making love all day
                                long." 

                                "Your sister?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

                                Man says, "I told you I was sick."