Virus alert!
Some more nice jokes
---------------------------------------------------------------- IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES: ----------------------------------------------------------------
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software. Frequently accompanies the Right-to-Life and the Randall Terry virus. COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would. HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory. O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat. STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands back to 200 MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCE VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVER VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN, twice if by C:. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism." RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to see a counsellor about possible alternatives. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system. just before the whole thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back! DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt! GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREACRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected area will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error). RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSINAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side. AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT. CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ** Attention: More viruses, discovered very recently! ** Bob Dole virus (#2): When you try to update a program, it tries to convince you the old version is much better. CERN virus: Accelerates your hard disk to 99.99% of the speed of light until it collides with the heads creating muons, bosons and quarks according to the law E = mc2 (note: any damaged files are unrecoverable) Internet virus: Will kill immediately everyone who's mentioning it on th... aaaaaaarrrgh!! ...
Some more nice jokes:
Drawing game...
Mrs Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one pupil starts drawing on the board, then one by one, other pupils add to it. She thinks, and decides not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty and always has some "unusual" picture in mind. So she starts with Jane. Jane: "This is our House" /\ / \ / \ / \ | | | | | | | | The teacher: "Good, Jane!" and asks Peter to draw next: Peter: "This is our Housedoor" /\ / \ / \ / \ | | | _ | | | | | | |_| | The teacher: "Very good, Peter" and calls Mary: Mary: "This is our house roof" /\ /UU\ / \ / \ | | | _ | | | | | | |_| | The teacher: "Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie: Stevie: "And this is the sun over the house." \|/ -O- /|\ /\ /UU\ / \ / \ | | | _ | | | | | | |_| | The teacher: "very nice, Stevie" and thinks, there is not much damage that Johnny can do with this picture and asks Johnny to come to the board. Johnny: "And this is my dad, trying to pick up the soap when he dropped it in the shower. ______ / \ / \|/ \ / -O- \ | /|\ | | /\ | | /UU\ | | / \ | | / \ | | | | | | | _ | | | | | | | |_ (___| |_| |___)18 Bottles of Whiskey
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
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