friends.. alas
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: all american rejects, dirty little secret
Last night, I had dinner with Anthony. Well, really i guess i need to tell the whole story.
Friday night I got home and was putting my pj's on and was sitting down at my computer to check my mail before giving Luke a bath. My cell started going off. It was a text message from Anthony. Not going into details, we made a plan to hang out tuesday night. So Tuesday rolls around and as bad as this is going to sound, i took Luke to his babysitters, and came back home to wait for anth to come over.
he got here around 630. and for the first time in like four or five years, we just sat around and talked. we, being who we are, had a pillow fight and i said something about him being mean to me and now i remembered why i hadnt missed him.. BULLSHIT!
we started talking about shit and i said something about my senior prom and the fat kid i took because Anth disappeared on me and he said to me "you dont know how many times i drove by wanting to stop" and that lead to us discussing the issue of forgiving people and i said (jokingly) that he was lucky i forgave him. and hes like "i know i am" and i said to him "i knew why you disappeared. in my heart i knew what you where doing. and i have to say that i respect you for wanting to be a man and be a father to your son." i said "all i could have asked for was a phone call!"

dear anthony,
you've given me all i've wanted for years. FRIENDSHIP!!! i think were actually working towards the friendship that you and i once had. and i wouldnt trade it for the world. much less what you "owe" me. im not worried about the money. i did what i felt was right by loaning it to you. it's just money. what am i gonna do with it when im dead?

i care about you a lot more than i probably should. i watch out for you in a sence. everything happens for a reason. there was a reason we ran in to each other @ mcdonalds that nite. theres a reason why we've talked the way we have. i wouldnt trade you for anything. i just hope you dont decide to go and disappear again without so much as a phone call.

my dads death taught me that lifes short. jake taught me that everything happens for a reason. ive taught myself how to forgive.. but not necessarily forget. yeah i may have forgiven you, but ill never forget how much it hurt to loose one of my closest friends.. one of my true best friends. you know me better than you should.. and god knows you know more about me than you should.. QUACK QUACK!

im a good person for knowing you. your a good person for always trying to do whats right, even if in the long run you hurt people or end up hurt. true friends are there for someone no matter what. i hope you realize that i am a true friend to you.
lots of love.. always..

THIS WEEK!
Mood:  accident prone
WHAT'S PLAYING ON MY MP3 PLAYER THIS WEEK...
1.) 45 (SHINEDOWN)
2.) BETTER VERSION (SHINEDOWN)
3.) I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU (BON JOVI)
4.) BED OF ROSES (BON JOVI)
5.) LIVIN ON A PRAYER (BON JOVI)
6.) PLAY SOMETHING COUNTRY (BROOKS N DUNN)
7.) BURNING BRIGHT (SHINEDOWN)
8.) LODI (CREDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL)
9.) WHO'LL STOP THE RAIN (CCR)
10.) AGE SIX RACER (DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL)
11.) TINY DANCER (ELTON JOHN)
12.) CHICAGO IS SO TWO YEARS AGO (FALL OUT BOY)
13.) SUGAR WERE GOIN DOWN (FALL OUT BOY)
14.) LET ME OUT (FUTURE LEADERS OF THE WORLD)
15.) AMERICAN IDIOT (GREEN DAY)
16.) BOULEVARD OF BROKE DREAMS (GREEN DAY)
17.) WAKE ME WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS (GREEN DAY)
18.) CUPIDS CHOKEHOLD (GYM CLASS HEROS)
19.) SHES SOMEBODYS HERO (JAMIE ONEAL)
20.) CHERRY BOMB (JOHN MELLONCAMP)
21.) HURTS SO GOOD (JOHN MELLONCAMP)
22.) IT'S MY LIFE (BON JOVI)
23.) DONT STOP BELIVING (JOURNEY)
24.) GOLD DIGGER (KANYE WEST)
25.) I GO BACK (KENNY CHESNEY)
26.) DONT HAPPEN TWICE (KENNY CHESNEY)
27.) BREAKAWAY (KELLY CLARKSON)
28.) SINCE UVE BEEN GONE (KELLY CLARKSON)
29.) BEHIND HAZEL EYES (KELLY CLARKSON)
30.) YOUNG (KENNY CHESNEY)
31.) TIN MAN (KENNY CHESNEY)
32.) WHEN I THINK ABOUT LEAVIN (KENNY CHESNEY)
33.) THE WOMAN WITH YOU (KENNY CHESNEY)
34.) TUESDAYS GONE (LYNARD SKYNARD)
35.) WE BELONG TOGETHER (MARIAH CAREY)
36.) SHE WILL BE LOVED (MAROON 5)
37.) EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT (MOTIONCITY SOUNDTRACK)
38.) PHOTOGRAPH (NICKELBACK)
39.) BLUE JEANS (SILVERTIDE)
40.) DONT YOU FORGET ABOUT ME (SIMPLE MINDS)
41.) SIMPLE MAN (SHINEDOWN)
42.) PRETTY GIRL (SUGARCULT)
43.) MEMORY (SUGARCULT)
44.) PERFECT (SUM 41)
45.) DIRTY LITTLE SECRET (ALL AMERICAN REJECTS)
46.) LYING EYES (THE EAGLES)
47.) DONT CHA (PUSSYCAT DOLLS)
48.) C'MON C'MON (THE VON BONDIES)

THINGS TO DO THIS QUARTER:
NOT MISS ANYMORE CLASSES! TURN THE ALARM UP HIGHER!!!

THIS WEEK....
THURSDAY: FALL OUT BOY CONCERT IN COLUMBUS!!!!!!! WOOOO HOOOO.. PETE WENTZ & PATRICK STUMP, HERE WE COME BABY!!!

fuck it. im done.
Mood:  don't ask
classes started yesterday. fun fun. history 1960 to present; contemporary moral issues (nothing like philosophy!) and criminal procedures on MWF, history & philosophy of terrorism I on Tuesday, and Probation and parole on TH. 5 classes, 15 credit hours, 5 books.. and a whole hell of a lot of homework. and it doesnt help matters that i have to miss class tomorrow (Friday) because my mom has a funeral to go to and i have no one to watch luke. whatever. i have some shit that i needed to get done anyway, so it's really not that big of a deal. i know people in each of my classes that i can get the shit that we do, from.
sometimes i just dont understand my mom. all i did, was call her to say hey, i'm just gonna stay home tomorrow. and she got all pissed off and said "well i just wont go". damnit. thats not what i said. but what the fuck ever. i get so tired of the shit, day in and day out.

been thinkin a little
Mood:  down
Now Playing: photograph, nickelback
Topic: Daddy
dear daddy,
i miss you so much. words cant even describe it. ive been crying a lot behind closed doors, when Luke's asleep. I cant bring myself to talk about things anymore. i feel so overwhelemed these days. school starts Wednesday. Im ready to go back. i love every minute i get to spend with my son, but i need the "break". i cant believe my associates degree is that close in reach. i wish you could be here to see it. i know your proud of me where ever you are.
why daddy? why? i feel so guilty, because a huge part of me feels like you didnt feel as though i respected and appreciated you. but god, i did. i really truly did. im so lost with out you. you where my true best friend. you where burtally honest and always there for me through whatever mess i got myself into.
i so badly wish i could have traded you places. but if anything, you did this to make me a stronger person. i relied on you for the world, that you always gave me. even, often without asking. i very seldom said thank you for all that you did for me. especially after Luke was born. i hope in your heart you knew, that i loved you more han life itself.
if i can find a man, that is even half the man you where, i will consider myself lucky. but no man (except Luke) will compare to you. your my daddy. my only daddy.
i just wanted to tell you how much i loved you.. love you i mean. your still here. your in my heart, your in my son.. keep watching over us.. i love you more than anything. and miss you just as much!

i love the lyrics to this song!!!!
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: nickelback, photograph
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red,
And what the hell is on Joey's head?

This is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew he ever went without
The second floor's hard for sneaking out

This is where I went to school
Most of the time I had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it's too late
Should I come back and try to graduate
Life's better now than it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Oh oh oh, oh God I...
Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found a photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Remember the old arcade?
Blew every dollar that we ever made,
The cops hated us hangin out,
They said somebody went and burned it down.

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we'd know
We said someday we'd find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since God knows when

Oh oh oh, oh God I...
Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it

I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
too hard to leave it


If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me

i should have posted this a long time ago
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: legs, zz top
Topic: Daddy
When I come to the end of the day
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a while, but not too long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love we once shared-
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take
And each must go alone.
It's all part of the Maker's plan,
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick at heart
Go to the friends we know.
And bury your sorrow in doing good deeds
Miss me, but let me go.

1/21/05

missing you....
Mood:  down
Now Playing: motion city soundtrack, everything is alright
Topic: Daddy
dear daddy,
i miss you so much these days.. i miss you everyday, but more than ever right now. everything that can go wrong, is going wrong.; or has already gone wrong. i'm sure where ever you are, you know that misty's mom is very ill. the doctors havent given her much longer. but like with grandma m. things could be the opposite. she could live for years; but i feel if she's in a lot of pain, as much as we'd all love to have her around longer, i wouldnt want her to suffer. i hope when it is her time, she has the advantage to go as you did.. peacefully. i've held onto that one comfort since you died. i just feel terrible. misty's mom reminds me so much of you. you to me (and many of my friends) where super dad. inez to misty and everyone else is super mom. theres nothing neither of you couldnt do. and if at first you couldnt do it, you'd figure it out till you could!
charlene's due to have her new baby in around four weeks. she found out she was pregnant shortly after you died. im happy for her. just a little scared. she may have to have a c-section. so where ever it is that you are, keep an eye out for her. her mom is doing better though. not long after Luke's first birthday MaryAnn had to have surgery to remove part of her colon. but now she seems to be doing better. thank god. enough bad things have happened and are happening this year.
school starts next wednesday. 15 classes... and ill have my associates degree! i know your with me and thats what keeps me going! i dont know what i had done if you hadnt been around to push me to make my life better! im going to make you proud, because i know thats what you would want!
Luke went back to the doctor today to make sure his ear infection had cleared up. hes fine. hes still 33 inches tall, but now hes 27 lbs 3 ozs. Hes growing like a weed, loves to read and throw temper tantrams!
well daddy, its 3:32 in the morning and i have to work at 5 tonite.. so i love you.. and miss you greatly..

happy birthday
Mood:  happy
Happy 77th Birthday Grandma... Happy birhtday Uncle Clay...

this song goes out to you asshole
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: all american rejects, dirty little secret
Let me know what I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone
Or you'll be just another regret (just another regret)
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret

Who has to know?

When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone
Or you'll be just another regret (just another regret)
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret

Who has to know?

The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And now I tried to but it's eating me apart
Trace this nightmare

I'll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone
Or you'll be just another regret (just another regret)

I'll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone
Or you'll be just another regret (just another regret)
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret
My dirty little secret
My dirty little secret

Who has to know?
Who has to know

Now Playing: THE VON BONDIES, CMON CMON
On another day c'mon c'mon
With these ropes tied tight can we do no wrong
Now we grieve cause now is gone
Things were good when we were young

With my teeth locked down I can see the blood
Of a thousand men who have come and gone
Now we grieve cause now is gone
Things were good when we were young

Is it safe to say? (c'mon c'mon)
Was it right to leave? (c'mon c'mon)
Will I ever learn? (c'mon c'mon)
(c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon)

As I make my way c'mon c'mon
Through these bitter nights that seem too long
Now we grieve cause now is gone
Things were good when we were young

With my teeth locked down I can see the blood
Of a thousand men who have come and gone
Now we grieve cause now is gone
Things were good when we were young

Is it safe to say? (c'mon c'mon)
Was it right to leave? (c'mon c'mon)
Will I never learn? (c'mon c'mon)
(c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon)

Is it safe to say? (c'mon c'mon)
Was it right to leave? (c'mon c'mon)
Will I never learn? (c'mon c'mon)
(c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon)

And know this day these deepened wounds don't heal so fast
Can't hear me croon of a million lies that speak no truth
Of a time gone by that now is through