The Happy Ending

Fear.
Panic.
Pain.
All accounted for.

Joy.
Hope.
Happiness.
All are missing.

Where is that love I felt as a child?
Where has it gone?
Why has it been replaced with hate and heartbreak?
What have I done?
Am I not still the same person who would do anything for anyone and ask for nothing in return?

I turn on the gas.
I sit and wait for the blissful death to enfold me.
It doesn't come.
I swallow the pills.
Nothing happens.
I swallow more.
Still nothing.

27 years of living this double life is too long.
I can't do it anymore.
I can't be the happy go lucky everyone's best friend any longer.
It hurts too much.
No one looks past the cover to see the real person inside.
"Oh G-d why can't this end now???"

I reach for the blade.
Yeah that works.
The blood rushes from my body onto the ivory white floor.
My thoughts spiral through my life as I wish I had had the courage to fight.
I wish I could stand my ground and fight the world.
But I can't.
I can't even fight the wars raging within me how can I take on the world?
As I grow weaker from deep in my head I hear a voice of reason.
I am comforted.
For the first time in my life (funny how the first time comes at the hour of my death) I finally feel at peace with myself.

I look in the mirror.
I watch the blood flow
I touch my neck and smile.
I smile because I know the end is near.
I can hardly stand now.

With a sudden burst of energy I scrawl one word on the mirror.
GOODBYE!!!
My legs give out.

I fall to the floor to die in a pool of my own blood.
Blissful death takes me in it's arms.
For the first time ever I am happy.

Shay Kuntz
December 5, 2000
For Amy; Thanks for what you did that night. If you hadn’t I wouldn’t be here now.
To Louise; BITCH