On a Starship, orbiting a blue-white planet...

KIRK (VOICE-OVER)

Captain's Log, Old Earth Date 1968:

The Enterprise has successfully time-warped back to Earth. A landing party consisting of myself, Dr. McCoy, and Mr. Spock will beam down to the crash site of a Federation deep space probe. En route to the unexplored Delta Quadrant, the probe apparently encountered some sort of unexplained phenomenon that not only sent it careening back into Federation space, but back through time, as well. As the site of the crash is a small deserted island in the Pacific, we do not anticipate any problems with recovery of the probe. If circumstances were otherwise, we might even enjoy a little sightseeing...

MUSIC, FADES TO...

THE TRANSPORTER EFFECT: A GLITTERING, PSYCHEDELIC SOUND THAT WOULD BE RIGHT AT HOME IN BELL BOTTOMS, WIDE TIE, AND FRINGED CROCHETED VEST. IT IS THE KIND OF SOUND THAT WOULD PROBABLY WEAR SIDEBURNS, TOO.

SPOCK

Captain, it would appear that our original data was incorrect. This island appears to be inhabited after all.

MCCOY

(SARCASTICALLY) What was your first clue, Spock? (PAUSES) The grass huts or the seven people clustered around them and that (LONGER PAUSE, AS HE SQUINTS AT OBJECT) ...thingy?

SPOCK

(DRYLY) Doctor, your grasp of technical terminology continues to astonish me. The device (STRESSES WORD) appears to be some sort of primitive nuclear reactor. (VULCAN PAUSE: THESE HAVE EYEBROWS AND KNOW HOW TO USE THEM) It seems to have been constructed from (SAHARAN TONE: NOT JUST DRY, IT HASN'T SEEN MOISTURE IN DECADES) ...coconuts.

McCOY

(INDIGNANT) Are you out of your Vulcan mind?! You can't make a nuclear anything outta a bunch of... (BRIEF SILENCE) Well, I'll be damned. Coconuts.

KIRK

(TRYING TO REGAIN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION) Gentlemen! If you could postpone the technical discussion until later? We appear to have attracted some attention.

THE CAPTAIN'S VOICE TRAILS OFF, AS SEVEN DIFFERENT VOICES FADE UP, CREATING AN OVERLAPPING AUDIO JAMBALAYA (WITHOUT THE CRAWFISH, OF COURSE): TALKING EXCITEDLY, OVER ONE ANOTHER, ETC.

VOICES (OVERLAPPING)

WOW! Will ya' lookit the ears on that one! Are you from Hollywood? Oh dear, I'm not dressed for company...Is it Halloween already? The short one in the gold shirt's not bad...GINGER!...Well, he's cute!

SKIPPER

(BELLOWING LIKE A HAT-WIELDING MANIAC) Will you all just SHUT UP?!

VOICES (ONLY SIX NOW)

(CHORUSING) Sorry, Skipper.

KIRK

(SOTTO VOCE) We would appear to have a slight (TRADEMARK PAUSE) ...problem.

SPOCK

(CAMELS COULD LIVE IN THIS TONE) Indeed, Captain.

McCOY

(HARBORING A FEW "SHIPS-OF-THE-DESERT" HIMSELF) Nothing gets past you two, does it?

MUSICAL CUE, FADE OUT

MUSIC: FANFARE, FADES TO...

ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER)

A short time later...

INCIDENTAL MUSIC: FADE UP (WAY UP. IN FACT, THIS IS MUSIC THAT HAS HAD WAAAY TOO MUCH CAFFEINE AND STAYED UP ALL NIGHT ORGANIZING THE REFRIGERATOR CONTENTS ALPHABETICALLY BY EXPIRATION DATES. IT SHOULD HAVE A NICE, QUIET LIE-DOWN AFTER THIS).

PROFESSOR

Why, yes, Captain Kirk. We did find your space probe. I thought it was some new design being tested by NASA.

SPOCK

(HELPFULLY MAKING THE CAPTAIN LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT) The old National Aeronautics and Space Admin--

KIRK

(INTERJECTING) I know, Spock. I didn't sleep through every Ancient History class at the Academy! (TO PROFESSOR, JOVIALLY) Where is our little lost lamb?

SPOCK

I fail to see what livestock has to do with--

PROFESSOR

(INTERRUPTING. HE HAS THE DISTRACTED AIR OF ONE TRYING TO WORK OUT EXACTLY WHAT IT IS ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON THAT IS DISTURBING THEM) It's, uhm, just over here. At the edge of the clearing... (FADES AS HE MOVES AWAY)

McCOY

(TO SPOCK) C'mon, Little Bo-Peep.

PROFESSOR

As you can see, I modified a few things. (PROUDLY) I was planning to use the telemetry device to send a distress signal so we could be rescued.

KIRK

(TRYING NOT TO SOUND WORRIED) I...see. Mr. Spock, if you will...?

PROFESSOR

(WHO'S FINALLY WORKED OUT WHAT IT IS ABOUT SPOCK) Uhm, Captain... (TRYING TO BE TACTFUL) Your companion is a bit, er, unusual, er, isn't he?

KIRK

(INNOCENTLY, IGNORING MUFFLED LAUGHTER FROM McCOY) Really? I hadn't noticed. (UNDER HIS BREATH) Shut up, Bones!

MUFFLED LAUGHTER CONTINUES

KIRK

(OVER McCOY, CALLING LOUDLY) Spock! How does the probe look?

McCOY

If he says, "Like a probe," I'm outta here.

SPOCK

(IGNORING McCOY) We have a problem.

McCOY

Oh, goody. (THIS TONE DRIPS SARCASM. PLEASE HAVE A TECHNICIAN STANDING BY WITH A MOP.)

KIRK

(PATIENTLY) Bones, please. (TO SPOCK) Well? What's the bad news now?

SPOCK

The probe's propulsion unit has been severely damaged, either by the phenomenon which sent it here, or by the passage through the planet's atmosphere.

KIRK

Well, we didn't expect it to get home on its own. What exactly is the problem?

SPOCK

The probe's matter/antimatter propulsion unit has been severely damaged, Captain.

KIRK

(NOT GETTING IT) Yes?

SPOCK

The containment field is deteriorating at a rate of 2.5 microns per second. (PAUSES EXPECTANTLY. WHEN IT BECOMES CLEAR THEY'RE STILL NOT GETTING IT, SUPPRESSES A SIGH) Unless power is restored to the containment field, the matter and antimatter will mix freely. (JUST IN CASE: SPEAKING S-L-O-W-L-Y AND C-L-E-A-R-L-Y) The probe will explode.

McCOY

You're just a regular font of good news, aren't you, Spock?

KIRK

(WHOSE TEMPER IS DETERIORATING A HELLUVA LOT FASTER THAN 2.5 MICRONS PER SECOND) Bones! (REINS HIMSELF IN WITH AUDIBLE EFFORT) We'll beam the probe up to the ship so Scotty can have a look at it.

COMMUNICATOR EFFECT: OBVIOUSLY RELATED TO THE TRANSPORTER EFFECT, BUT WITHOUT THE SIDEBURNS. (IF BARBARA WALTERS ASKED IT WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL IT WOULD BE, IT WOULD HAVE TO REPLY "A SLIGHTLY DEMENTED, ELECTRONIC BUDGIE".)

KIRK

(BRISKLY) Kirk to Enterprise.

SCOTTY (VOICE-OVER)

Och! I was just aboot to call ye, Sir! We've a wee bit of a problem up here.

KIRK

(IN MARTYRED TONES) Why doesn't that surprise me? (PULLS HIMSELF TOGETHER: BRISKLY) Very well, Mr. Scott. What is the nature of your crisis?

SCOTTY (VOICE-OVER)

Oh, 'tis nay a crisis, exactly, Sir. I mean, it's not like we have ta' beam ya' up right away or anythin'... (SUDDENLY THE CAPTAIN'S UNHAPPY TONE HITS HOME. MORE CAUTIOUSLY...) Is it?

KIRK

As a matter of fact, we were thinking of settling here permanently. Build a few huts, marry native girls... (GETS A GRIP: SOME OF THE HYSTERIA LEAVES HIS VOICE) Assuming we did want to beam up -- oh, say RIGHT NOW -- why can't we?

SCOTTY (VOICE-OVER)

Just a wee hiccup in the transporter, Sir. Shouldna take me more than six hours to set right again.

McCOY

Six hours! (BECOMING MUFFLED) What does he think, we're on shore leave down here?! You tell that engineer -- (UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES, EVEN MORE MUFFLED THAN BEFORE)

KIRK

(BLANDLY) Let him go, Spock. That's a court martial offense. (SIGHS) Scotty -- (A PAUSE, WHILE KIRK OBVIOUSLY RETHINKS HIS NEXT WORDS) Get that transporter back on-line, and I mean as soon as possible! I want to know the second you can transport! (VOCAL SHRUG) Unless you see a big mushroom cloud sometime in the interim, in which case you might as well forget the whole thing and go bowling.

SCOTTY (VOICE-OVER)

We Scots prefer golf, actually, Captain...

KIRK

(THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) I don't care if you prefer ballet dancing, Mr. Scott. Get that transporter working! Kirk out!

McCOY

(TO HIMSELF) You know, this is what I love about my job. Never a dull moment. I'd like to try one sometime. I hear they're quite nice, really. And what am I doing on this stupid landing party, anyway? Did somebody, who shall remain nameless but-he-knows-who-he-is-Jim, think the probe was gonna need a Doctor to bandage its knee?

KIRK

BONES! (PAUSES FOR A DEEP BREATH, AND REMINDS HIMSELF THAT STARFLEET FROWNS UPON ITS OFFICERS MANGLING ONE ANOTHER, EVEN WHEN SEVERELY PROVOKED) If you have to contribute to the conversation, could you at least try to make it something constructive?

McCOY

Constructive is Spock's department. I'm just an old country Doctor, Jim. I flunked "constructive" at the Academy.

SPOCK

May I remind everyone that the collapse of the matter/antimatter containment field is imminent. Unless field integrity is restored, the resulting explosion will vaporize this island, everything and everyone on it, and quite a lot of the surrounding ocean.

McCOY

That's constructive?!

KIRK

(WITH ALL THE PLEASANT AND CASUAL INTEREST OF A COBRA CONTEMPLATING A NICE JUICY MOUSEBURGER) You have something to add, Doctor McCoy?

McCOY

Dammit, Jim! I'm a Doctor, not a member of the bomb squad!

SPOCK

A state of affairs for which we are all grateful.

KIRK

(PLEASANTLY) Both of you -- Shut up.

THERE IS A STUDIOUS SILENCE. IT PRACTICALLY HAS A DEGREE IN SHUTTING UP.

KIRK

(STILL IN THAT SAME DANGEROUSLY SMOOTH TONE) Spock?

SPOCK

(CAUTIOUSLY. THE ICE IS THIN, AND HE KNOWS IT) Yes, Captain?

KIRK

(SOUNDING AS IF HE HAS EXCEDRIN HEADACHE #238) You had something useful to say?

SPOCK

Yes, Sir. We simply have to locate an alternative power source for the magnetic field generators.

McCOY

(LAYING ON THE DRAWL WITH A TROWEL) Oh, is that all?! Well, what were we worried about, Jim? The Great and Powerful Pointy Ears is here to save the day! (DRIPS SARCASM: ALERT THE MOP GUY) I don't know what island you're on, Spock, but this one seems remarkably deficient in power sources. Or were you planning on pulling a nuclear reactor out of your ears?

SPOCK

Not my ears, Doctor. (PAUSES) Though, if you would like to discuss anatomy, I have a suggestion concerning yours that --

KIRK

Spock! You and McCoy can discuss new and interesting ways of contorting the human body later! You have an idea for an alternative power source?

SPOCK

Coconuts.

THERE IS A STUNNED SILENCE. IT IS A SILENCE, IN FACT, THAT HAS BEEN CLUBBED OVER THE HEAD, DRAGGED INTO A DARK ALLEY, AND LEFT FOR DEAD.

KIRK

Spock, you don't mean...? (MORE FIRMLY) You can't possibly mean -- ?

McCOY

You're not serious. This is all some twisted plot to convince me I've finally lost my mind, right? You can't be seriously considering...?

SOUND EFFECT: SPOCK LIFTS LEFT EYEBROW. (THIS IS A TRICKY EFFECT, BUT WELL WORTH THE EFFORT. ANY COMPETENT RADIOPHONICS WORKSHOP WORTH ITS SALT CAN PULL IT OFF WITH ABOUT SIX MONTHS LEAD-TIME AND AN UNLIMITED BUDGET. JUST MAKE SURE THEY DO THE LEFT EYEBROW AND NOT THE RIGHT EYEBROW. THE FANS CAN SPOT THIS SORT OF THING A LIGHT-YEAR AWAY.)

KIRK

(PROVING THAT STARSHIP CAPTAINS DO INDEED "BOLDLY GO", ETC.) Do it.

SPOCK

I shall require the Professor's assistance.

PROFESSOR

(CALLING LOUDLY) Gilligan! Get more coconuts!

MUSIC -- FADES OUT

MUSIC, FANFARE -- FADES IN

ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER, OVER MUSIC)

Three hours later...on the island, which has not been vaporized...

SKIPPER

It sure was nice of those fellows to leave us this radio, huh, Professor?

PROFESSOR

Indeed, it was. With this, we'll be rescued in no time!

GILLIGAN

(DISTANT, BUT COMING CLOSER) Skip-per! Pro-fes-sor!

SKIPPER

Gilligan, what are you doing with all those coconuts?

GILLIGAN

I thought the Professor could build one of those "transporter" things like those nice NASA men had, and we'd all be back home before you could say --

SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR

(IN UNISON) LOOK OUT!!!

PROFESSOR

(IN THE SAME BREATH) Gilligan, watch out for the --

A CRASH INTERRUPTS HIM. SOUND EFFECT: A WHOLE LOT OF COCONUTS SMASHING AN IRREPLACEABLE...

PROFESSOR (CONT.)

...Radio.

GILLIGAN

(EDGING AWAY) Oops.

PROFESSOR AND SKIPPER

(IN STEREO, WITH THX-SOUND) Gil-li-ga-a-a-aa-an!!!!

SOUND EFFECT: THE FRANTIC SCRAMBLE OF A FIRST MATE TAKING TO THE JUNGLE WITH AN IRATE SCHOOL TEACHER AND AN EQUALLY STEAMED HAT-WIELDING SKIPPER HOT ON HIS FLYING HEELS. (THIS IS A LOT EASIER THAN THAT EYEBROW THING. TRUST ME.)

MUSIC -- FADE OUT

MUSIC, FANFARE -- FADE UP

ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER)

Meanwhile, in orbit...

SOUND EFFECT: TRANSPORTER EFFECT (THIS SOUND REALLY HAS NO SHAME. IT WOULD MIX PAISLEY AND STRIPES!!)

KIRK

(OVER SOUND EFFECT: FOOTSTEPS) Glad to be home, Bones?

McCOY

Well, one thing's for sure. I'll never look at coconuts in quite the same way...

KIRK

(SOUNDING A LOT SANER THAN HE HAS FOR HOURS) Never argue with success.

SOUND EFFECT: THE TURBOLIFT DOORS.

KIRK

(STEPPING BRISKLY ONTO THE BRIDGE) Mister Scott -- Good work on that transporter repair. And in half the estimated time, too.

SCOTTY

Just workin' my usual miracles, Sir. (MODESTLY)

KIRK

You have some serious competition for the title of "Miracle Worker" down on that island, Scotty.

SCOTTY

(DUBIOUS) Aye?

KIRK

(WICKEDLY) Have you ever given any thought to stocking the engine room with an emergency supply of coconuts?

SCOTTY

(WONDERING IF THE CAPTAIN HAD BEEN HIT ON THE READ RECENTLY, POSSIBLY BY A COCONUT) Coconuts, Sir? The thingies that grow on trees, Sir?

SOUND EFFECT ALERT: SCOTTY LOOKS BESEECHINGLY AT SPOCK AND McCOY. (LOOK, JUST DO IT, OKAY?)

SPOCK

(SOUNDING LIKE SOMEONE SNIFFING A DEAD SKUNK) This entire episode has been highly illogical.

McCOY

Yeah, I've had enough for one day. (BEAT) Even if it was only a three-hour tour...

MUSIC -- FADES TO...

STAR TREK THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER)

This has been "Tour of Duty", starring:
THE OFFICERS AND CREW OF THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE

Also starring:
THE SEVEN CASTAWAYS as themselves

With special appearances by:
SONNY BONO as the TRANSPORTER EFFECT and
DAVY JONES as the COMMUNICATOR

And introducing:
KOKO, THE COCONUT OF A THOUSAND VOICES!

MUSIC (CONTINUES)

ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER, OVER MUSIC)

This has been a REALLYBADRADIOPLAYS Production...

MUSIC -- SWELLS

ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER, VERY QUICKLY)

No coconuts were harmed during the taping of this production. One of the sound technicians got a nasty paper cut and had to go home early, but that's all. Really.

_______________________________

"Tour of Duty" is copyrighted 1994, REALLYBADRADIOPLAYS Productions for the author, who promised to sue us if we revealed his/her true identity on the air. Thanks for listening, and tune in next week for another REALLYBADRADIOPLAY!