"If one considers what could have been done, and then what we did do over this long time, one could conclude that something was done." - Viktor Chernomyrdin, on his tenure as Russia's Prime Minister from 1992-98."There was a state. The state retained. The state began to accumulate. Results began to be had." - Viktor Chernomyrdin, explaining Russia's financial crisis of August, 1998
As a reward for getting both the Russian government and economy back on track, Mr. Chernomyrdin has recently been appointed his country's Special Envoy to Yugoslavia and charged with working his magic there.
OK, exactly who shot my head full of Novocain
while I was sleeping last night?? Which one of you sickos thinks
it's funny to watch a guy try to give birth to a live journal entry while
his wonked cortex is limply hanging out an ear and drooling gibberish all
over his wrinkled, mismatched clothes without him even knowing it?
What human being is so perverted, he or she gets his or her jollies arranging
things so that whenever my cat has meowed this morning, I've tried to answer
the toaster, thinking it's my phone? You wanna see my philodendron
beat me at "Jeopardy!" tonight - is that what this is all about?
Is that where we're headed? Well, bucko, all I can say is that you
better be wearing a helmet with the visor down to bed tonight!
In the meantime, just TRY wading through this page of 100% USDA-rejected
brain splatter....
You know, I couldn't even come up with "brain splatter" on my own.
The "splatter" part is actually a generous word investment in this journal
made by Ms. B.J. of Lansing, Michigan. I merely added the "brain"
- well, as much as I could spare, anyway. Took me three hours to
get it right. Kept coming out "bra splatter." Just imagine
the kind of people you'd now be rubbing elbows with at this site had I
left that in for the search engine spiders to find, numb, wrap in
silk, and drag back to their little "Search Results" windows!
Feeling guilty yet? Wanna pay restitution - or at least do your part
to see that tomorrow's entry is a wee bit of an improvement over this one?
Then whip out that big, fat vocabulary of yours that you've been saving
for years and invest a word of your own. Click here or here to find
out how.
And stop laughing at my drooling cortex, dammit!
OK, enough about this dull little problem of mine. Time to liven
things up with a few of my other dull little problems.
You know that hole in my shower curtain? The one I wrote about last
Monday - May 10 ? Well, it's MOVED! It had been about 27 and
a half inches from my bathroom's west wall and 33 and seven-eighths inches
from the east wall. Now it's just 24 and three-quarter inches from
the west wall and a full 37 bulbous inches from the east! What
the hell is going on??
Oh, sure, it's still 45 and three-quarters inches down from the ceiling
and 53 and a quarter inches up from the floor. I'm thankful for that
- don't get me wrong. But how would you feel if YOUR holes
kept moving on you?? And notice: The sum total of the two
east-west measurements aren't equivalent! On Monday the total distance
between my east and west bathroom walls appeared to be 60.5 inches.
Today, it's no less than 61.75 inches! Is one of the most
important rooms in my house growing?? Have you read anything
in the paper about this???
Yes, I've always wanted a bigger bathroom - but not if that means
it's become some sort of living, breathing, 1950s B-movie sort of untrustworthy
entity that might swallow me whole the very next time I'm innocently in
my nightgown brushing my teeth!
OK. Alright. I shall now try to calm myself by changing the
subject, even as I continue to listen for the sounds of this strange-acting
room sneaking up behind me on slick little linoleum feet....
You hear ominous music, you call 911!
And then the Pentagon.
I'm serious.
Crisis #3: It looks as if I'm on the verge of having to comb my hair again.
No, no - I don't have a job interview or anything that bad.
Nor am I suddenly faced with having to trick a judge and jury into believing
I'm much too clean-cut to have taken candy from that slandering baby.
The simple fact is that about 6 weeks ago I shaved my head while my wife
was out of town and, well, wouldn't you know, those Satanic little hair
follicles/parasites couldn't take a hint but have instead gone back to
growing. Now what?? Even when my hair was long, I used
a brush - not a comb. I don't even own a comb!
And it takes so much effort to find one in the street these days.
Unless my wife slips up and leaves me home alone with the power tools for
three days again, I'm doomed - DOOMED! - to adapt.
And just when it looks like my bathroom mirror will be too risky to use!
By 1950, some 50,000 American men had been castrated by doctors in an effort to "cure" them of their homosexuality.
What the hell is that supposed to mean, Mr. Big Editorial Voice??
I know my problems aren't the most terrible in all of human history.
I know that they could be much, much worse. I've seen what can happen
to Odie in "Garfield" let alone to real people in real life whose fates
are almost never tempered by sympathetic cartoonists. All I'm saying
is, I have real problems, too, OK?
In case that isn't obvious yet, here's a little story.
Just now I went to buy a light bulb and found that the stores are still
only selling them in packs of four even though lamps are sold individually.
Although I didn't want to and I didn't need them, I ended up having to
buy three extra lamps just to make things come out even. Do you think
that was, like, fun??
And I had NO luck whatsoever finding a Rubik's Cube with all the sides
the same color for when I'm really in the mood to blatantly manipulate
a small twisty object but totally not in the mood to worry about
hue matching. Isn't that some famous philosopher's very definition
of "existential pain in the ass"?
On Jan. 30, 1948, Orville Wright died of natural causes at age 76. On that same day three separate plane crashes in the U.S. killed 50 other people.
Fine, fine. I get the message.
But when your bathroom comes looking for you, you're on your
own.
(All Material Not An Obvious
Rip-Off Of Some Other Aspect Of Western Civilization © 1999 by Dan
Birtcher)
