May12

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Wed., May 12, 1999

"If NATO had been in charge in Littleton, it'd still be bombing the homes and neighborhood of Harris and Klebold in an attempt to get them to withdraw from their school and allow their fellow students to return and study in peace." - My imaginary European friend, Hans

In case you haven't noticed, we're at war. Oh, the diplomats may still be calling it a "frank exchange of views," but it's plain and simple war to the rest of us. And as in all wars that last more than a few hours, shortages are now starting to appear. Shortages of cruise missiles. Shortages of money. Shortages of patience. But by far the worst and most severe shortage is the one that actually started before the war and which has steadily gotten worse ever since. I'm referring, of course, to the terrible shortage of ideas.
If you've watched TV or read a newspaper lately, you know exactly what I'm talking about - even if you've somehow avoided all coverage of the war. If you haven't avoided that coverage, then you're familiar with the severe drought of ideas which has characterized this whole affair. A typical day's press conference has run something like this:

    "General, if the Serbs don't stop committing atrocities in Kosovo and withdraw, what are you going to do?"
    "Bomb."
    "And if that doesn't work?"
    "Bomb some more."
    "And if that doesn't work?"
    "Bomb some more."
    "And if - "
    "Bomb."
    "And - "
    "Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. I have nothing else to say."
    "Sir, are you aware of the Lincoln quote about what to do when you find yourself in a hole?"
    "No."
    "The first thing you do is stop digging."
    "We're not digging, we're bombing."
    "And if - "
    "B-O-M-B. Now, are there any other questions?"
    "Sir, have you any familiarity at all with the Strategic Bombing Survey which was conducted after World War II? You know - the Study which concluded that the massive strategic bombing of the Axis countries did little to win the war?"
    "I'll have to check and get back with you. What are your coordinates again?"

    Clearly, we are on the verge of an idea shortage of historic proportions. Before we and our allies run out of ideas altogether, I've decided to take the ideas I was going to put into this entry and send them as fast as possible to the place they can do the most good: NATO headquarters in Brussels. I urge everyone else to do the same. No idea is too small or old to be of help in Washington if not Brussels.
    If you have time on your hands afterwards, consider setting up and manning an idea collection barrel at your local mall, grocery, or school. Nearly everyone has a few spare ideas in their heads which they'll be only too happy to share with you if you ask. Old people are especially generous in this regard, with many unselfishly willing to give you the same idea over and over again, day after day, at the drop of a hat, so be sure to take a hat with you when you go to set up your barrel.
    Other things we can do to help:

Recycle old ideas while talking or writing letters and email instead of adding to the shortage by buying new.
Search the papers of your friends, co-workers, parents and children for scrap ideas that experts in NATO's intelligence division might be able to piece together into something worthwhile.
Volunteer to pan for ideas at your favorite library or bookstore.
Hang idea paper on your porch right next to your fly paper and check it regularly for valuable catches.
Write a series of words down, one per little piece of paper, then toss them in the air. Pick them up randomly and line them up in hopes of discovering a usable idea.
Has your cat or dog been scratching more than usual? Have your vet make sure that your pet's coat is not secretly harboring ideas.
Write Congress and demand that NASA's search for extraterrestrial ideas be accelerated.
Don't waste brainpower. Coast at work instead of actively thinking. Take the bus instead of writing poetry. Whenever you leave a room, don't wonder about what you were doing there in the first place, or where you're going next. In short, leave the brainpower to those in Brussels, Washington, and other world capitals who really, really need it.

I'm sure that if we all work together and make just a few minor, often imperceptible changes in our lifestyles, we'll weather the current dearth of ideas as well as previous generations have weathered theirs.
That's all. I had a really great idea for a dynamite close, but I donated it to the cause.

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