Sat., June 26, 1999"So what should I have done - asked for an unsanitary napkin?"
- Overheard little boy to his embarrassed mother in a diner
after the giggling waitress had retreated to the kitchen
to get him something or other
Continuing now with an analysis of my napkin collection before fleet-footed Death can deprive the world of my findings -
#6) Collected May 19, 1999: One white napkin from McDonald's. Still bears the scars of being kept in a crowded little metal box worthy of the sickos who ran the legendary Black Hole of Calcutta. Pebbly surface marred by endlessly repeated embossed so-called Golden Arches. The fact that these are annoyingly skewed at an angle of approximately 25 degrees off the center right-left axis prompts me to downgrade my opinion of McDonald's fries in retaliation. Size: 16.875" by 11" (43mm by 28.1mm). Area: 185.6 sq. inches, and every one of them as tasteless as cardboard. Hohum to the nth power. Am beginning to think that maybe I should have pursued my original dream of becoming an oceanographer. They get to collect their samples using cool remote-controlled robots of the sort most restaurants forbid!
#7) Collected May 19, 1999: One brown napkin from Taco Bell. The exciting change in color immediately restores my will to live. Seeing simple, well-defined folds again inflames my libido. Braille-like texture raises my suspicions: Is the company chihuahua attempting to send me a secret message? Is the poor beast actually being held in appalling conditions or being forced to humiliate self in those TV commercials in order to prevent captive family members from being tortured or killed? Failure to find a blind person in my house who might solve the mystery prompts me to quickly repress the entire idea and move on. Size: 12.75" by 11.875" (32.7mm by 30.3mm). Area: 141.125 sq. inches. Houston, we have a keeper!
#8) Collected May 21, 1999: One champagne-colored napkin from Applebee's Neighborhood Grill & Bar. A full 1.5" crimping around the edge (with mitered corners) quickly reveals this to be the Cadillac of my collection. Large center section mercifully free of embossing and lipstick stains. Size: 15" by 16.75" (38.2mm by 42.6mm). Area: 251.25 sq. inches. Must move on before I spark a reoccurrence of those nightmares involving me trying to parallel park this baby at my local ice cream parlor and repeatedly knocking over the cones.
#9) Collected May 23, 1999: One white napkin from La Charreada, an authentic, locally owned Mexican restaurant. Intensive interrogation of the subject gets it to reveal that "La Charreada" translates as "The Rodeo." A small voice in my head tells me that's just a lot of bull. Regardless, I move on. Size: 16.75" by 14.875" (42.7mm by 38mm). Area: 249.15625 sq. inches. Wait a minute - I've seen this one before! It's basically a slightly smaller version of the Pizza Hut napkin without the diamond pattern!! I make a call to the restaurant, demand to speak to the manager. Casually ask for directions to his place, how his day is going, and if he has any high chairs suitable for a man with burrito-size hemorrhoids before telling him that I know he's stealing the napkins from Pizza Hut and demanding he give me half of all the patterns he's taken off if he doesn't want me to spill the beans to the cops. If only he understood English I'd now have all the diamond patterns I'd need for the rest of my life! DOH!
#10) Collected June 1, 1999: One white napkin from Perkins Restaurant. At last, a true square! And all of 16.875" on a side, too!!! That gives me a record-setting area of 284.765625 sq. inches - WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!! Wavy crimped edges, wavy mitered corners, diamond-patterned center - a napkin to leave the wife for!!!! No, wait - what am I saying??? I promised her I'd love her forever. I promised her I'd love her forever again after she found me in bed with that cheap roll of paper towels I picked up in some late-night gas station rest room. I must remain faithful and true, even now when I am all alone with the best paper product that's ever come home with me without my having to pay someone for it.
I move quickly to toss this napkin into a far, far corner of my underwear drawer and rush to cuddle with the bag of leftover napkins from my 1982 wedding reception just so I might continue to respect myself tomorrow morning (the 155th anniversary of Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith's being lynched for polygamy!).
Back To A Simpler Past Home Where 53 Past Entries
Await Use As Virtual Napkins
(All Material Cleaned, Powdered, Diapered, And Only Then ©1999 by Dan Birtcher)
